Fuschia Flys Free... and fully feels it all

 Tomorrow I fly to Florida. I've been flying about a year now back and forth and yet this flight feels different somehow....I am feeling ready for a very big move to happen in my life. The emotions that have been coming up with this transition have been pretty intense and I have to keep reminding myself to use the tools I have been given, to allow myself to fully feel, and to also recognize where I am resisting feeling.

I was always the one sort of watching my and others' emotions like a person in the bleachers watching a soccer game. It was easy for me to recognize they were there but I was a detached observer rather than an active participant. It might seem like a nice way to live...detached from feeling any of those uncomfortable emotions like anger and hate, but it also kept me from feeling the joy and gratitude and even pride for being me. I didn't realize how numb I was until others started making comments about it. I was completely clueless to my own inability to feel my emotions.

Something that The Avatar Course has given me in the last year of attending courses is a new ability to feel on a deeper level. Once I started feeling instead of thinking about emotions and observing them....I cried....tears of sadness, tears of rage, tears of guilt, tears of gratitude, tears of love, and tears of joy. Isn't it amazing how many different types of tears there are? I never knew! Now I embrace the moments of crying....I'm learning to recognize that it really is ok to feel and I'm excited to learn more about this new ability and how much it can offer to my life.

So with the big move to Florida....and this next Avatar course starting in 2 days...I am going to let myself dive deep into feeling it all and allowing things to integrate rather than be pushed aside or watched like a TV show with a blank stare across my face. Haha....I know I'm in trouble when I am in the "blank stare." It's really great to know I have triggers and signs that tell me when it's time to feel!

For those of you who don't know, my wheelchair is called "Fuschia" and we've been together almost 2 years. This chair gets me where I need to be and where I want to be. It's amazing the adventures we have been on and now we are about to embark on yet another. Who knows what will come, but I am so grateful to have these wheels that help me fly free in this new world I am creating in every moment.

What a rainbow we truly are...full of these different emotions and abilities. With every day I find I am able to awaken to yet an even deeper level of being whole and honest with myself. I find that the hardest thing sometimes is letting myself be exactly as I am...and forgiving myself for the times in my life where I numbed myself to being present with my own feelings and the feelings of others. The only place to start over from is NOW....Here and now. Onward! There are better things ahead.

May we all be free to fly into the unknown territories that have our essence and dreams written into them. AHO ~ Namaste.

Love, Laurie

"World Bird" by Laurie Kammer - Winter 2011

Orchids and Fireworks

I had a dream last spring about being in Florida with a good friend who had recently moved there. At the time of having this dream I was living in New Jersey and the idea of traveling in a wheelchair to FL was pretty far fetched. In the dream I saw really artistic apartments and met new friends. Then while I was in one of the apartments, my friends and I saw a glowing green spider on the wall. It came towards us and though I think we were bitten and we thought we were doomed, nothing ended up happening. Later in the dream, I was able to walk with the assistance of my friend who is also paralyzed in "real life"...yet in the dream we were both up and walking as though we were one person... with our legs connected. Then we were sitting in a courtyard...it was definitely in FL with palm trees and a very nice outdoor setting. I was telling him that all I wanted was "Orchids and Fireworks"....I was saying it in a very passionate voice with a lot of feeling...

Now, a year and a half later I am about to move to Florida...the land of orchids and close by the Orlando where many fireworks are going off. I am connecting with artists and musicians...but more significantly, I have been able to step into this move through the empowerment of doing The Avatar Course...and what's really funny about that...is that at every course, there are beautiful orchid plants everywhere set up as displays and the main song to celebrate each person who becomes an Avatar is Katy Perry's "Fireworks" song. I am tickled by how many of my dreams have created my reality in this way.

So yes, it is finally a big time for this transition...for more orchids and more fireworks....more empowerment...and to feel what it feels like to live on my own for the first time in my whole life. You can imagine that the last few weeks have successfully shown the full spectrum of human emotions and of every doubt possible but thanks to many friends, family, and fellow Avatar Masters, I have been able to continue moving forward rather than backing out like I have done on many occasions previously. In a way, I see this move as a part of my medicine for being paralyzed. How many times have I stopped myself from moving forward before? I was paralyzing myself before becoming paralyzed....I know...it's an interesting viewpoint but it's really how I feel. This movement forward towards a life I have been afraid of stepping into is shaping a new me...this is an unknown territory that I was completely procrastinating my self from experiencing....my life was already on hold...it was already paralyzed.

Here I go folks....onward towards a new adventure and now I'm doing it with even more challenges in my way. I'm ready, finally. I am feeling, finally. I am deciding, finally! Thank you to everyone for supporting me because without the help from everyone I would have continued fearing the unknown and believing that in order to move forward, I had to do it all alone. That has been far from true in my experience...and boy am I humbled to ask for help now when I need it..and lots of it at times.

For the next 29 days, I'll be blogging about the journey and transition forward under a new blog title "Orchids and Fireworks." Stay tuned for some stories, insights, and updates. I am grateful to share and excited to hear from anyone who feels like sharing in return.

I am graced and blessed tonight and always, much love,
Laurie