A PO-ed Para....

My top ten most annoying things about being paralyzed... that have nothing to do with walking:

1) never ending nerve pain- I feel as though I have been at battle, my whole lower body was blown up or nawed raw by a ferocious animal.

2) loss of bowel an bladder control- didn't I go through potty training to avoid these kinds of things? SUre...it's gotten more manageable but still.....Come Onnnnn. UGH.

3) loss of sexual function- though I keep being reminded that I can still bear children, and asked if I may be pregnant....I want to scream..."for real?! I'm so not even there! the idea is super challenging!...give me some time!"....geeeezzzz.....yea not exciting.

4) bumpy, crackly, uneven sidewalks or even better.... No sidewalks.... Sometimes I feel forgotten about and angry at the whole community for not thinking about how difficult this is. With every freakin bump, my feet fly off the foot plate and I have to pull them back in while trying to wheel. So. Annoying.

5) stores and restaurants without handicap access.... yea..like locating the bathroom up or downstairs or not having a ramp to get inside....also love when the curb doesn't have a cut out to get up on the sidewalk in front of a building....super fun. Coming down off curbs and wheeling full speed towards a curb to try jumping up? Terrifying.

6) people who ask me annoying questions like..."well, what the hell were you doing in a tree??" - if I had gotten in a car accident and suffered the same, would people be asking me what I was doing behind the wheel of a car? No. My answer is I was just living a moment of my life... And I happen to be in a tree at that moment.

7) kitchens- the sink, the cabinets, everything is so far away and having to adapt an entire kitchen means compromising with normal standing comfort and also takes muulahhh, moneyyy! I guess it doesn't help that I need assistance to get to the kitchen in my house since it's not on the ground level...

8) people who talk down to me- sometimes I struggle with feelings of inferiority and whether I am creating that feeling myself or actually being treated that way. I also struggle with whether I appreciate people who stoop down to talk to me eye to eye....the change of perspective has definitely altered my psyche.

9) Insurance companies, medical equipment companies, blah blah. I've spent hours and hours on the phone and going back and forth. Not my favorite. Super frustrating....though it's something I have gained a lot of empathy from....as well as developing my assertion. (did i say that right? hm..)

10) Loss of sensation. I feel more at a loss right now that I can't feel...more so than not walking. I want to know when my feet are on the floor....when a spider crawls up my ankle...when a child rests their hand on my knee or climbs on my lap...when the hot water touches my skin.... I miss feeling and this is a huge part of my grief. I cry more when I touch my own legs or look at my feet on the ground.

Yea....loss of movement and motor function sucks. Spinal Cord Injury is like losing a part of myself. I battle with what feels like a death sentence..."Your chances of recovery are slim" "You may never walk again"... I feel as though I've been told I'm half dead. It's incredibly strange, incredibly painful, and incredibly difficult in so many ways.

I wanted to write this blog because I am often found reading "top ten" lists that have to do with things that are healthy for you or things to avoid, so on and so forth. I figured, hey....lately life has presented many many challenges that make me pretty PO-ed!!! I find myself angry that people just don't understand...and I know that the truth is that they couldn't possibly understand....because they just don't know.

Well perhaps now you know a little bit more about life with SCI.....

From a Pissed Off Paraplegic =) hah. But seriously......

Struggles, Cravings, and Premature Grievances

Today I had a rough day. I woke up after the strangest most vivid dream that weirded me out all morning....that ever happen to you? Yea...I bet it has.

Anyways. In occupational therapy today I transferred onto a mat on the floor and tried to bump myself up the stairs there. I can do this at my home..but in the therapy gym, it was so difficult. Then I couldn't get myself back into my chair from the floor (like I can at home). I was soooo exhausted and found that when I got in the car I just wanted to sleep or cry....both ended up happening.

It's been a while since I felt like I needed to hop back into my bed immediately after therapy. I noticed how much time I spend on "doing this and that" rather than respecting the calls of my body. After resting a bit and eating lunch in bed (thanks dad!), I found myself craving a mocha espresso....arrgg I wanted it so bad. Well, instead I started writing and drank Kombucha. Then I realized oh. I'm finally cycling again. After months and months of my body being out of whack hormonally, I hadn't experienced what some call PMS! Lol....being the "doll" I "am"...I spent many years telling others that I simply didn't get like that...No way No sir No mam...not me! "I don't get bitchy or cramps or tired." Well...laurie the times have changed. I now confess that maybe I just wasn't noticing my own behaviors....maybe it's that whole sub-conscious mind thing that I blogged about during my gratitudes...we simply don't recognize those sub conscious behaviors and patterns. We need mirrors.

So then I began journaling....I realized today that I am one of those people-and perhaps you can relate to this-who likes to create little outings and dates and experiences for my future. I choose the friends and family who I want to experience something with and then I imagine that we are there...in my mind we're there at the pool or the park or doing partner yoga together. So yea..I am really good at this and also really good at holding on to this imagined future reality with the hopes that it will manifest. But then life comes knocking on my door with the real picture...like OH that day won't work or that person won't be here... I realized that in my attachment to the future I am setting myself up for consistent and imminent loss. I begin grieving the experiences that have never manifested...that are a figment of my own imagination. How can I grieve something that doesn't even exist yet? I do this a lot. It sucks. ouch. Can you relate? I can't be alone in this...ughhh and doesn't it suck to be let down by your own expectations?

............hmm....so.

One of my roommates at Kessler came with both liver cancer and paralysis from her hips down which resulted from loss of blood to the spinal cord during a surgery for her cancer. (That surgery was actually the same day as my birthday...which I found interesting cuz I'm like that). She was and is an amazingly strong woman. A mother of three and just so alive and spirited and determined. She was thrilled to be my roommate because I was young unlike most of the other women...and she could tell I was an artist.

During our many weeks sharing the room, we laughed and helped each other learn to cry. We stayed up late drinking Cacao, dipping crackers and telling stories we would never tell our mothers....drawing late into the night in our beds with the curtains drawn, giggling because we couldn't wait to share them with one another in the morning. We grew to find more love in our lives and to be grateful for our meeting...for our stories that seemed so laughable now that our lives were full of hospitals, catheters, suppositories, nurses, aids, pills, more pills, therapy, wheelchairs, loud beeps, shots, yelling, and icky food. We read prayers and enjoyed the days when we could roll outside onto the patio for some fresh air. We even dreamt about one day visiting her beautiful country of Columbia where we would wear high heels and ride donkeys up the mountain to a village where beautiful purses were made.

She filled me with determination to move. There I was in sporty chair...barely able to bend over...unable to dress myself...transfer into my bed alone, catheter myself....let's face it..I was pretty needy at the time. I often stayed in bed for long periods of time. But then came Gloria. She had a giant chair with big foot rests, clunky handles, and big wheels. She charged around with power and did everything herself...she sponge bathed every morning and made herself look beautiful every day. She took me in like her best friend, like her daughter....she waxed my legs, painted my toes and fingers, and dressed me in her expensive designer clothes. She showed me that I had all of that too...I could still be sexy and be in a wheelchair. She wished for me to have a date...to be romanced...and giggled with me about boys. We had FUN in spite of our depressing situation. I started to try things that the nurses didn't want me to do on my own yet...and I DID. I DID start dressing myself...transferring into my bed alone. And by the time she was ready to go home..I was even showering in a shower chair instead of a stretcher. She was a model for me. I changed myself because she showed me strength. She didn't make me change....she simply showed me what was possible.

The point of this story is that recently, my beautiful roommate Gloria from Columbia has been told that her cancer is spreading to her lungs and body...that there is nothing more she can do. Told 2 years ago that she had 6 months to live...she has been a true fighter through it all. Her strength is unimaginable. When she told me that she felt her body weakening and how much she loved me after only knowing me a short time, I lost myself. I lost all of my dreams and I lost her before actually losing her. I grieved before the loss because so many of my hopes and dreams were destroyed in that moment. I thought about this today...It makes me feel so torn...dazed...and confused.

So what I am getting out of this?....that dreaming and imagination are there for me to play with...to enjoy...to use as tools to be and do and heal and transform.... But not for becoming attached to. Finding peace and happiness because I am attached to a belief that they are real or will become real is not true happiness. Like making a decision to walk and feeling like it's in my future...only to wake up every morning with the same nerve pain and paralysis. Being attached to what you want to happen creates an immediate let down...you're setting yourself up to lose. At least that's what I'm feeling right now today.

It's kind of like the controlling thing I was talking about....trying to change someone. In my mind I can create a beautiful picture of someone's potential...I can see this person being so much more than I see them being in reality~ so I start to love them because of my imagined perspective....not because of who they really are. Sure my perspective of their potential may be possible but if they are not living that expectation then how am I truly appreciating who they are? Yes. I'm admitting to this! It's prevented me from being authentic in relationships with family, friends, boyfriends....I want to make everyone their best self and yea that's "great" and all but it's not possible. We can't control other people. I can't get exactly what I want all the time ~ that's just not how life works. I must detach, let go, release!

So this is a big shift for me. Yes~ I love lifting others up to higher realities and to higher possibilities...Rise Up is a way of life for me right now....but it's MY life...not anyone else's. I can only control one thing....and that is my consciousness...my choices...my boundaries...my actions. I am only going to lift others as I continue to lift myself. OH How much this hurts my "gotta help gotta give" self....the one who finds compassion for everyone by lifting them to their highest in my mind rather than accepting what's being offered. hmm....

Hmmm....

Ok well last point is that I am recognizing the need to "know" pattern that I have always had. When did I step out of the creative energy of life? When did I step away from the pure joy of following sychronicity and signs? I am a channel for pure creative energy and I am able to allow myself to be guided as I become more conscious of these blocks and fears and obstacles that often bring me face to face with myself. It's time to get out of my own way. I've learned many things from Eastern philosophies in the past...about suffering and detachment...but sometimes the gifts are received from your own struggle. For that struggle I am grateful...back to the mountain....back to the essence to meditate.....

I miss nature....I really reallllllly do. I just want to walk in the grass...I actually want to be buried in the earth with my face sticking out haha...I want so badly to be back in the woods alone...to stumble upon the beauty of a random feather or acorn or snake skin or bear scratching mark on a tree trunk...I want to sit by water and write songs and cry to the trees and hug them as I used to...to see the tail of a fox...to get down real close to a little frog...to hold a flower and admire every little detail. It's been a long season for me....my winter has been happening since June when, at first, just 3 weeks inside seemed like forever....now my months have turned to eons of waiting and longing and missing.

I am grateful for the many gifts I am receiving. This journey is full of them...now if I can only detach from thinking I can "know" them all.

I let it be so ~ and so it is

Namaste and many many prayers for everyone to be free from fear ~ to have mental and physical happiness...and ease of well being.

Bless.

Day 21 ~ release, reclaim, discover

"Jungle Soul" by Laurie Kammer November 2011

21 days of Gratitude. Well, no joke, no lies, that was for SURE a commitment that both challenged and opened my beliefs, my choices, my intentions, my behaviors, my relationships and much more than I could possibly express in words. What a ride. I've enjoyed the process of recounting my days and sharing those moments here. Blogging is a funny thing..for me it is a practice in sharing and trusting and letting go of whether what I say is the right or wrong or good or bad. I admit it is a beautiful thing to feel I have connected or inspired or related in some way to another human. I feel strongly that it's really about trusting my self...because someone, somewhere is listening and actually needs to hear the words I am sharing.

so. here's my 5 for today.

1) I am grateful for self discovery. I am in my eleventh week of "The Artists Way"...I have had about 4 months of Art Therapy at home....and I am STILL feeling the ongoing resistance to seeing my own reflections. Discovering who you are means finding out things you often pass off as other peoples shit...or "they do that, not me?!"....or "I'm this way because of this person or that situation.....how can I possibly change that if I can't change them? If I can't change what happened?" ARghhh the strenuous work of self discovery....literally~ back-breaking work. But self discovery is an ongoing path...and I am now allowing myself to see the creative side to things. Today, my art therapist talked with me about seeing an opportunity to create rather than seeing in terms of good or bad. It's a difficult thing to shift from black or white thinking when that's the program you've been running for most of your life. Time for a new upload...download...upgrade....whatever ya want to call it. My self discovery is becoming a self blossoming...and ever unfolding journey for which I am grateful.

2) I am grateful for release. In my process today I went back to some very tough days when I was younger. I was able to release my grip on the baggage it carried by creating an art piece which showed me the gifts and the hurts. Once I was able to get a clear understanding of my past and how it is affecting my present...my therapist asked me to go over it in any way I wanted to release it. With release comes a feeling of weightlessness...and with that letting go I am transformed into movement. There are many ways to release...releasing the scar tissue in my back when my brother does his myofascial bodywork...releasing the tears and grief in my body when I am held by my sister...releasing a good belly laugh when my dad swears...(it cracks me up)...what's the use of holding on? Release and free myself...I can do this for me.

3) I am grateful for reclaiming. I have been focusing on those things (people, situations, etc) in which I need to release for a long time. I am now in the process of self discovery as I said above...really though when are we not discovering new things about ourselves?....anyway ~ As I connect with the power I have lost or given away, I am able to set a new intention to reclaim or begin fresh with what I wish to have, be, or do instead. Reclaiming makes my life more empowered and self driven. I admit that there are women I wish I could be rather than the woman I am. I admit that I have put myself last just to make other friends or family or boyfriends feel better about themselves. I admit to giving away my power on purpose because being powerless gave me access to attention that I wanted. Reclaiming is a scary process when it means now owning your power. Reclaiming is my gift to myself.

4) I am grateful for the gift of one single seed. Most of my artwork has revolved around growth...often looking like trees and flowers and plant life. I am amazed at how such huge beautiful beings can be created from one tiny little seed that is given water, sun, and dirt. My next venture is to begin planting my own seeds and turning it into a therapy for myself. I desire to feel the grass under my feet again...the sand between my toes...the waves washing up against my legs. Seeds are little miracles. We all began as a seed....in fact something I learned this morning is that the same cells that created our skin, also create our brains. The skin is our contact with the world and what we do to it sends information to our brains. This is why essential oils have such an affect on our bodies through the topical use, the smell, and even the ingestion of some. To me seeds are this mixture of complexity and simpleness...they make me feel connected to nature.

5) I am grateful for the unknown. Like I have said before...I just love "knowing"...I love planning something so that I KNOW what to expect. Life has given me a situation FULL of unknowns. I couldn't possibly tell you what I am going to be doing tomorrow....I can only guess. If I can continue to remind myself that even when I have a good idea of what is next to come...my experience can always change. Maybe I know I am going to have the same ginger tea tomorrow morning...I can expect it to taste the same way it did today....but perhaps I'll take the time to smell it before each sip ~ or press the warm cup into my heart ~ or spill it alllll over the place! Life brings us exactly what we bring to life. The unknown awakens me to be more conscious or else fall victim to my reactions...to my control dramas. So...here's to stepping boldly into my self. Who knows what is waiting for me...I'm ready to roll.

Here's tonights vegan vegetable quiche (alright i did put a little vegan and non-vegan cheese on at the end) made by Me! I actually had fun, and it tasted good too.






This night's blog was a hard one....I could feel the pressure to deliver some special speech or some awesome insight....but at the end of the day I am really more concerned about getting myself out of my chair and into my bed. And being honest! I have so loved being back on the bloggggg....but I'm taking a break! 21 days to create a new habit... What is next? who KNOWs... we'll see.

Keep on Risin Up every day. Stay Tuned ~ I'll be back.

Lots of love ~ Namaste

Day 20 ~ Tis the gift to be true

1) I am grateful for the artist child in me. When I treat myself with love for the gifts I was born to give, I feel like a channel of creativity. Taking my artist child to the arts and crafts store was a super fun time and something I rarely allow. My creativity is worth the treats and the fun! Haha see she is a child!

2) I am grateful for those things I miss... Someone today who is also paralyzed asked me what I miss most .... I said hiking and dancing. I miss them so much that I feel even more grateful to have had the many many amazing experiences in my life. Without those good times I wouldnt miss them as I do now.

3) I am grateful for exercise. I read an amazing passage from "the Artists Way" speaking about how exercise is a way of seeing your process....it's realizing that you are stronger than you thought you were...it's getting out of your mind and into your body. I was never an "exerciser" unless it had to do with the arts. I have had to become someone entirely new through this process and I am so so surprised at the mountains I am climbing. I know that in this process I can only grow.

4) I am grateful for the turn of the season. I was nervous about winter and being in a wheelchair. I am glad it was mild! yet there is still a noticeable change in the air with spring arriving. I feel more expansive and things have taken a softer tone, a slower sweetness is brewing. At least for me, I am feeling a burden lift as the earth wakes up and starts to sing again.

5) I am grateful for gifts. I love giving gifts. This could be a whole blog about my journey of over giving and also of allowing gifts to come to me. Anyways, today I told a friend in therapy who I barely know that I loved her hair clip. She had been on her way out when she turned her chair around, rolled up to my walker, pulled the clip out of her hair and handed it to me. I was like really?? Why? And she said, "because you love it" and left. I realized that when I give I rarely let it be so spontaneous...as I said last night I am an obsessive planner and visionary. So gifts have to be well thought out in detail. This was a beautiful lesson. Grateful grateful grateful.

Day 19 ~ From Estrangement to Enthusiastic Communication

"Redbird" by Laurie Kammer January 2012

Ahhhh yes....chocolate brain. Here I am showing up for my blog with the lingering taste of dark chocolate in my mouth. mmmm yum

1) I am grateful for spontaneity. I am an obsessive planner. I love to organize, schedule, prep, visualize. Let's face it....I'm basically admitting to my control issues. BUT spontaneity happens and when it does....it reminds me that I'm not always in control...actually who knows how much I really end up controlling when the day is done. Today I was sprinkled with spontaneous moments and it made me feel excited...it gave me this adrenaline rush of pure be-ingness.


2) I am grateful for eavesdropping. I have gotten pretty angry at people when I feel like my conversations are being eavesdropped...but let's face it again...if you're human, you've done it! Anyways. I sat in Starbucks today and overheard/eavesdropped in on the convos around me. 2 statements really struck me...and I ended up using them as writing prompts in my journal for stream of consciousness. Both eavesdropped prompts led to paragraphs of self discovery. I felt kind of sneaky but again...this little adrenaline rush of "doing something I'm not supposed to do"...little did these people know that their chit chat was creating thoughtful responses in my journal.

3) I am grateful for communication. This morning a friend of mine reminded me about how much of a gift it is to be able to communicate with others. For some of my friends who have suffered higher level spinal cord injuries...they had months in which they could not speak or breath on their own because of a vent in their neck. This simple reminder to speak up when the spirit moves me rather than create excuses as to why it's not the right time, place, astrological line up....whatever. If you feel the inspiration to speak, then most likely its a sign and invitation to act on that impulse. I had so many wonderful conversations today...some of them were with people I had just met like the woman in the toy store who shared with me in our love of colored gel pens....or the woman outside of starbucks who was having a hard time putting her little dog into a backpack so she could grab a coffee inside...I held the bag open for her and we giggled...we shared a moment of our day and in an instant we became acquainted rather than estranged. I also met 3 of my neighbors this week....no I met 4! And you know what? They all were so open and kind and inviting...they were genuinely attentive and curious and offered their time and company whenever. Communication is a gift...this is a lesson I am still cultivating but today I felt outgoing and social...but I also felt clear within my own inner communication...with all those convo prompts popping up around me...


4) I am grateful for my wheelchair. Wowzah....Sometimes I do a morning meditation with Louise Hay. She leads me through my life and environment, blessing absolutely everything and everyone and all the situations I have lived and are yet to live. She gives us time to look around and bless the furniture and objects that are so crucial to our daily lives. I always say a little thank you to my wheelchair for holding me and moving me around in the world. Without it I'd be stuck in a bed all day or getting seriously jacked from dragging myself in an army crawl. But seriously...my body from the waist down has become super sensitive and fragile. I need a special cushion to prevent sores from having to sit all day. My circulation has slowed, my bones and muscles are atrophied...and I actually don't sweat from the point of injury down....I guess that's part of having a spinal cord injury. My wheelchair supports me for now in keeping me safe (as long as I dont fly myself off a curb or run into a wall of course) and mobile. I'm still in shock that this has become the way I move in the world...I'm still grieving...I feel disabled and the chair reminds me of that, especially every time we pull into the handicap spots. I never knew that symbol would become a reflection of me. For now, I feel grateful for this wheelchair for making me feel like I have an alternative to being stuck and stagnant...I can move ~ so lets keep rollin.

5) I am grateful for my enthusiasm. This morning as I was writing at Starbucks I noticed how quickly I become enthused over things...like a small child who's been told they are getting the dog or cat or toy or whatever it is they have been wanting forever. My eyes light up like I've finally hit my shovel against the top of a buried treasure chest. So many times today I felt my enthusiasm bubble and fill me with an energy I haven't felt in a while. It's like butterflies in your stomach when your high school crush calls you up. Enthusiasm reminds me of that spontaneity and pure joy that is reminiscent of being a child in a world that is yours for the "gifting"....it's yours for the "receiving." Children are naturally enthusiastic about helping others and sharing their gifts or creations. I met 2 girls today that live near my house...they are probably about 11 or 12 years old and they are friends through dance class. Oh how my eyes lit up when I began asking them about what kinds of dance they took...they were so full! They were so beautifully joyful about telling me that they did "lots!" of different kinds of dance. Enthusiasm feels like pure, authentic, joy of being. Yes~ being and being-ness are my new fav words for my authentic self power vocabulary. lol. Enthusiasm feels like a big huge smile that comes straight from the heart. there. enough said

Soooo off to bed before week 3! Week 3 of leg braces, wheel chair scares... I mean SKILLS..some art therapy...some b-day action in tha house too. OH and watch out foodie people...I am attempting to make a dinner this week....biG Deal haha. Might cry....or blame the onions.

Thank God for chocolate brain...I just rambled that off in no time.

Thought this photography was soooo beautiful (from a framing shop in Morristown)

This was the salad my dad brought me today...I'm beginning to wonder about his "plating" OCD. haha

LOVE and an enthusiastic NAMASTE

Day 18 ~ Inventing

Today was one of those spontaneously fun and mellow days. Here's my feel good 5 for today...

1) I am grateful for the people you can trust with absolutely anything. I've tried and tried to hide myself from some people...I've tried and tried to put on the right disguise to please certain people....even to please my own high expectations. But there are some people you simply can't hide from. My sister (my bro's wife but she's my sisssta) is one of those people. She knows without me saying...she knows whats up behind my smiles and she's still there for me on days like today when I needed her to help me at the spa. I had a waxing appt. (ouch! but hey, there are advantages to being paralyzed and numbed) and I realized in there that there are very few people I trust to see me at my most vulnerable, essentially seeing me practically stripped of every cover up I try to hide myself with...in my purest most naked self (and I mean that on a multitude of levels). I'm grateful for her because she makes me feel as though I am accepted no matter what face I am showing the world.

2) I am grateful for my niece Neena. She has grown so much since I moved here in the beginning of 2010. I watched her play with friends from her school today. Diagnosed at the age of 2 with a rare genetic disorder and told she may never eat, walk, talk, or grow....I marvel at her accomplishments. She is so incredibly driven regardless of the nights when she wakes up choking because of her throat or reflux...regardless of being "different" or "disabled." Today 6 years old Neena didn't just nibble...she devoured veggie straws, dehydrated mango, raw chocolate....she not only walks, she dances and slides and climbs on the playground...then jumped on a trampoline! She swings and sings and laughs and just purely loves and enjoys life. She cuddles you and finds strangers to hug in the grocery store. She's my teacher, my hero, my inspiration. I absolutely adore and admire her essence and the beautiful gift of simply "being Neena" that she brings the world.

3) I am grateful for my life experience being Neena and Kai's nanny....today I was reminded of the last 2 years....learning how to care for my niece and nephew changed my whole life. I gained a family, a purpose, and a life experience that would open me up to the limitlessness of being a child again. Today on the playground I reminisced about swinging on the swings with them....hula hooping...running around...all that fun stuff that I can't do right now. Yes ~ I'd be completely lying if I said I wasn't sad about not being able to do that with them. Yes of course I miss being their nanny. Life is teaching me new lessons now...I am still their "Titi" and I can still be fun, nurturing, and there when they need me. Having that experience and being able to watch them grow makes me feel proud and just plain grateful for this journey. Check out the pics from the playground today down below!

4) I am grateful for easily accessible places. With trying to get out in public more and more...I am realizing all the obstructions and obstacles that come with maneuvering life in a wheelchair. For example the sidewalk to the spa was a hill and cobbestone...then the door was super heavy. It would have taken me like 10 minutes to get inside as opposed to about 2 for the walking person. Things like sidewalks are a big deal to me...every crack causes a bump that can knock my feet off the foot stand...every curb can send me flying out of my chair if I don't gauge the wheelie just right. There is so much left for me to conquer and adapt to in order to feel comfortable in the world. When I find places that have such amazing accessibility for wheelchairs...I feel so grateful...like someone out there was thinking about the minority population that needs those ramps and door opening buttons. Sometimes I get so upset...like seeing stairs in front of cute shops or restaurants...no ramp....or the fact that the train station less than a mile from my house is not a handicap stop. Its incredibly frustrating!

5) I am grateful for inventors. Invention is a cool word...just popped into my head as I was thinking about the new gadgets coming out on the market...including things like the ekso skeleton robotic legs that I was fortunate enough to trial this past fall at kessler. Check out the video here. Inventors are creators who are pushing the bottom line of what is possible. Without invention we would be stuck and life would start to taste like bland oatmeal. Inventions bring us newness and create a surge of excitement that life indeed continues. We all have the gift of inventor inside us.....I wonder what I will invent for myself? hmmmmm....












Lastly....I want to share a photo of the drawing I made while in my standing frame this afternoon. I haven't given it a title....but I feel the image speaks from my soul. It's about facing my fear...it's about what happened to me....it's about letting go/giving up and striving ahead/conquering challenge all at the same time. It's my gift and here it is to share with you now.


Night ~ Namaste and Blessings. Ommmmm shanti (as Kai was singing in the car ride home today, that little yogini)

Day 17 ~ for you

I would just love to be this little girl.....

Ok, I've noticed that my blogs are longer and longer...oh how I ramble on. Tonight I am challenging myself to 5 super simple things I am grateful for ...really because I need to catch up on some zzzzz's. Call me lazy ~ oh wellll.

1) I am grateful for self-care. If I don't take care of myself and ask for what I need, who will? Self-care helps me feel self-loved.

2) I am grateful for the droughts of life. In nature and in life there are times when the water just isn't there. It is in these times that we find clarity. Call it my vision quest....I feel the stillness of this season in my life.

3) I am grateful for touch. I have blogged about the benefit of a real hug...Everytime I experience the gentle touch from someone who loves me, I understand why we need this so badly. Being held, kissed, hugged, makes me feel real...my body thanks me for allowing touch instead of pushing it away. It reminds me that I am a physical being with the ability to sense the world.

4) I am grateful for my anxiety. Anxiety is one of those emotions that can be used as a powerful force to act. I feel pulled....it tugs on my sleeve and tells me...keep going, do something, slow down, draw, sing...whatever! Of course it's uncomfortable...it can make you want to throw up ~ which is why it's another one of those wake up calls.

5) I am grateful for you. Whoever you are...you're listening to me. I may not be that great at communicating but I am tryin. Honestly, it's people like you who are reading and sending me support with your thoughts and messages that motivate me to share more.

Goooooodnight. Namaste and much love