It's been months since I have brought myself to this blog. Partly because I was barely using my computer to type but mostly because I had no desire to write anything. I've been writing here and there in my journal, drawing, sculpting, playing music, and sharing with some during visits...but there isn't any other way to express the need for silence than to be silent....
So now I'm back here...allowing whatever comes to mind to pour out of my fingers to you. Here's whats on my mind...
Life has changed. I'm home now...adjusting to a whole world of "new" things. Of course there are the obvious changes resulting from my injury...but I am also living in a space that I have never lived in before. My family and I were planning on moving together....and I was not around for the transition. The "Jersey 5" (brother, sister, niece, nephew, and I) is now the Jersey 6 with my dad taking on a whole lot of NEW himself. There are days when I sit in silent awe of my family and how much they sacrifice...their ability to rise to any challenge. It would be complete lie for me to say that things are "All Good"....I have been experiencing daily challenges with my body mechanics, nerve pain, emotions, thoughts.....and creating my healing space. I am always always reminding myself to be patient with the timing of which things unfold. I honestly didn't think back in June that I would still be in a wheelchair come october...but then again, I had NO clue what it meant to have a spinal cord injury....I am and will continue to learn. On the flip of course....I have come an incredibly long way since the first time I sat up in bed over in the ICU....I no longer flop all over the place....though leaning forward is still scary....and I am doing more things on my own. All in all.....this is just the beginning of my healing journey.
I welcome change. Yes....change can be scary, upsetting, uncomfortable, painful even...but change is what evolves us. I cant imagine anyone ever deciding to transform via traumatic injury, divorce, bankruptcy, etc.....but when life creates emergency, it forces us to access our deeper intentions, desires, and creativity. Through this experience, I have received so much knowledge and perspective on living with disability. I am amazed by how bodies move with such grace and ease....and how un-easy and un-graceful I feel these days! I can barely sit up straight in my bed...I grunt and roll and fight with my legs just to turn over onto my sides throughout the night because if I don't, my skin could break down and develop a sore that takes months to heal. Yes. I still welcome change....and I am hoping that through sharing my journey and perspective, that I can prevent at least some of the pain and suffering of others. Life is boring when it is stagnant....it's unhealthy when your emotions bottle up...there's no romance when someone only loves you in one way....and when we resist change or try to control our lives and our environment...we end up getting slammed by tornados and tsunamis. So....only nature can tell us when....
I've changed. I've become silent to some....more open to others....outgoing and active in planning my fundraiser....yet silent and reclusive as I sit for hours creating art or meditating in my room. It has been a life challenge for me as I have always tried to live a life that leads others to believe that everything can be good, happy, flowery....etc....you all know what I mean here....but I feel it is important for everyone to know that no matter what...we are allowed to show our darker sides. I may not have chosen to show it completely, but my way of expression is not just through writing blogs. I am deciding to explore my gifts of creative expression so that I may come face to face with the shadows that teach us how to rise above...the shadows that inspire activism and passion. My dreams and success are hidden somewhere inside those shadows. I don't know many leaders in this world who have had a life of complete ease....many of us know what these shadows are and yet we avoid avoid Avoid! My wish is that we work on ourselves before we fall from grace....that we listen when our inner voice is yelling at us to turn the car around....that we learn to pause in the middle of reacting and take a deep breath....because breaking your ribs is a hard way to learn how to appreciate that divine gift that keeps us alive. Please my dearest human family....take the time to work on yourselves. We will never ever be happy just working on other peoples problems....your unhappiness and pain are no one else's fault ~ no one else can feel them except for you. It is our responsibility to create a healthy boundary for our self work....so please please please take the time to work with me....by finding everyday a time for yourself...to appreciate small blessings like showers, being able to pick up your child, cutting vegetables at the kitchen counter, having sore legs from Walking! These are all blessings...and there are infinite amounts surrounding you all the time when you awaken your awareness to them.
Yes....my changes have brought me into a sacred space. I honor this space and I am finding ways to bring myself into a new alignment with my higher purpose.
I have big dreams and I intend on fulfilling them....but I am learning to detach myself from the HOW's and simply trusting and asking that my commitment, actions, and consistent application to them will manifest the right people, places, and timing.
This I know......I am rising everyday....my body knows how to heal....(nerves/axons do re-grow no matter what the doctors say....but they take as long as hair...so I'm not cutting my hair for a while! =)).....I am healing and I am willing and open to sharing this journey with the world.
May we all find the truth....and fall like a leaf...with grace, acceptance....and the excitement of being recycled and re-birthed anew.
and finally.......
A Gigantic THANK YOU to everyone out there who has sent me mail, visited me, sent me silent prayers....etc! I have not been able to go through all of the envelopes but believe me I remember you all and continue to feel the blessing of finally seeing the potential healing power of community. The internet and facebook have been huge...I'll never knock the network again haha....we truly are an interconnected nervous system and our technology is only getting better. Just think.....next week....I'll be walking in robotic legs for 4 days during an "E-Legs" trial....they aren't even out on the market yet. What a privilege to be a part of history in the making.
My biggest and warmest wishes for a beautiful fall season...a time to recognize what we need to change in our lives...and take our leap of faith into the unknown mystery of transformation.
Fly with Freedom to Express Your Unique Self in Your Own Way......and know that Love flows with you no matter how hard the wind is blowing.
I love this world....hahhhhhhhhhhhhh ~ sigh ~........
Namaste~
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