My nerve pain and overall bodily functions have been more challenging in the last few months. My emotions have gone all over the place. I've been supremely blissed out, extremely exhausted, and trembling with anxiety. I've felt myself want to run away from the things that bring me fear and challenge...but also those things that fulfill my dreams and bring me the help and joy I seek.
In some ways I feel "I've had enough!"... in others I feel "I'll never be (fill in the blank_____) enough".... or I burn with that question...."When is Enough, ENOUGH?!"
Learning to allow myself to experience these....experiences....has brought me into a strange and new territory....and any new territory is bound to bring up all those fun things like self doubt, fear, anxiety/excitement, and a seemingly endless stream of question upon question upon beliefs.
This injury didn't just break my back. It broke my whole universe and everything, everyone, and even my environment. What's interesting to me is that I am finding this to be a commonality to others who have also sustained some kind of paralysis. It feels like this giant re-organization...a complete destruction....it's traumatic in so many ways and it's incredibly humbling. Yes, I'm comforted in knowing I have others I can turn to who understand what it feels like to have burning nerve pain in half of your body...what it feels like to stare at a set of stairs or enter a crowded room where all you see are butts and legs....or the loss of people you thought were your loved ones, who would always be there....and yet here I am. Here I am sitting in my chair with burning nerve pain, a backed up digestive system, and a tired heart.
I'm preparing myself for a big change as I enter a new stage of therapy through the research at Kessler. I am still actively seeking ways to manage the pain, the depression, the anxiety, the digestive system. I am so passionate about being healthy and yet I still find myself fighting off those inner cravings that really come from a desire to finally be "enough." I think to myself, maybe if I were not in so much pain, I wouldn't need this or that....or maybe if I weren't so scared, maybe if I weren't so tired, sad, blah blah blah.
I'm not sure why I wanted to write tonight...it's been a while since the last post about the challenges I face as a paraplegic. It still baffles me sometimes...and I occasionally forget that when I go to open the car door, I can't just hop out.
I guess my intention now is..."I am enough." For now, it's an intention...and when I read it, speak it, think it, I feel the inner turmoil of "but.....!"
What a challenge it is....to be "broken"...to be "imperfect"....to be "vulnerable" ~ I want to be open to accepting that even though I am these things...I can learn and continue learning how to be more forgiving, more compassionate, and mostly more loving with myself. I've never wanted to be that kind of courageous...I always thought that strength meant being able to do everything on your own...not needing other people to help you.....nope Laurie....that's feeling like a very rough way to live.
I sing about community. I've drawn pictures of what my dream home would be...a community life with a community garden...where my children would be raised by a village, by a group of people who were conscious and open and healthy and evolving. It's beautiful and "perfect" in my fantasy world. And hey....ya never do know...I've been shown that no matter what...anything is possible. BUT, that doesn't mean that when things that don't come out exactly the way I imagined, they aren't "perfect"... because they are the reality. I feel they are exactly as they are supposed to be and whether I label them as good or bad doesn't actually matter. I'm seeing it is all a perspective shift. I can choose. I can choose. I can chooose!
Rather than blaming my body for my pain, blaming my mind for my thoughts, or my heart for my emotions, I want to choose to be worthy and deserving....to be enough.
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