Here I Am

July 23, 2011

Here I am, end of week 3 in Rehabilitation. I am transferring everyday from wheelchair to bed, wheelchair to mats…stretching my legs, lifting weights, standing in a frame that holds me up, biking in a machine that stimulates my legs muscles to move, painting with an art therapist, talking with my fellow rehabilitators, laughing with the nurses, loving the therapists, and consistently working on Rising Up Laurie. “Laurie Lifting” as someone called it yesterday. =) There are many lessons to be learned through this experience….I’ve only touched upon the strength I am going to need to move through it all. Everyday I am shown hints into the extreme self work that is required in this moment of my life. Today, I will share a few…

1. Most important right now…is my yearning for independence. This has been my challenge, my struggle, my complaint, my “blame game” on others…..the Fight for my independence. I realized in this past week that I always thought of independence as something that you accomplish with OUT the help of others. I believed that to be independent meant being alone, and getting there had to be a lonely journey. Well…being here in this situation…I am seeing very very clearly that in order to become independent again, I actually REQUIRE the help of a whole team of people…my family, friends, therapists, doctors…..and also paint, ukulele, pens and drawing pads….there are so many people and things around me to HELP me through this journey. I don’t HAVE to be alone…or achieve independence through a silent suffering. Yes, your life is your own…and Yes, every step is your step….but what about CO-Creating with my support ~ with my SELF!? I feel that everything and everyone in our surroundings is in some way a reflection of our consciousness and if I could just see and recognize that every person, place, or thing can be a tool or a lesson, then the flow of consciousness would be just that….a Flow…an ever-changing flow~ transformation.

2. My transformation ~ Rebirth ~ This is a time when I am seeing myself in a whole new way…I can choose to feel incomplete and broken, or I can choose to see my whole self as perfect and complete~ as Puranpreet~ my spirit. Everyday I make strides in connecting back to my legs and my body. Everyday I struggle with the nerve pain, the discomfort in the spine, the temperature changes, the bathroom struggles and more. Yet all that is happening is putting me more in the moment than ever. The pain is a wake up call…it’s the call that cannot be ignored anymore. Complaints of discomfort and complaints of skin troubles…things that have been a vicious cycle for me since I was young. Now everything is amplified and I am finally ready for my whole and complete healing. I feel and know in my heart that this is a deep deep healing for me. Maybe it’s deep because these pains and beliefs are rooted in my early developmental years…or perhaps these are pains that I have carried for lifetimes. Either way, I am ready. God am I ready.

3. I am an artist. I am a creator. I have been a fighter for my independence, my transformation and healing….but also for my passions in the arts. As an artist, I have always judged myself and convinced myself that those who love me don’t believe that I can make a living through my passions. I have held onto this kind of attitude….which sounds like this…. “I’ll show YOU, that I can be an artist, musician, dancer, vendor, hooper…etc…and still make enough money to make a living…I’ll even become rich!” This statement is coming from a very selfish and childish part of me that doesn’t feel good enough, smart enough, mature enough, FILL IN THE BLANK~ ENOUGH! Why? Well, because this is another core and deep belief I have acquired from my social environment and my own ways of protecting myself. “What are you protecting yourself from?” you may ask….Well…..My whole life I have held myself back from being the best…all the while believing that “I am the best at everything!” (another viscous cycle). It sort of goes like this in my head……If I don’t succeed, I might not be good enough, If I am not good enough, then others will not love me, and if others do not love me, then they are going to leave me, when they leave me, I will be alone, and if I am alone, I will be……well alone. Huh…wow. When I got there to the end of the sentence I had this moment of peace. You know why? Because I actually Love to be alone. =) hahahhahha It is when I am alone that I am most creative and connected to my spirit. It is when I am alone that I feel free and allowing of any emotion to surface and release. It is when I am alone that I take care of myself, cleanse myself, and affirm myself. When I am alone I dance my true dance, sing my heart out, and give myself the time to create whatever it is that is in my imagination. I love my imagination. I love my spirit. ALL I really want right now is my spirit to manifest in my physical body. I want to really live the life of spirit manifest here on earth. I know…I already am. But why do I feel this split so heavy!? I hear my inner voice loud and clear and I hear my mind and ego even louder sometimes! My challenge in this moment is to find that divine balance between the glory of collaboration with others and the glory of the self….it ends up being a dance. A tango. A divine partnering of yin and yang that ebs and flows and never stays in one place. Thereeee yaaaa gooooo. For me, it’s about allowing in “Divine Partnership.” This can be manifest in a Lot of ways…relationships with friends, family, and men…relationship with my self and my own masculine and feminine energies….relationship with nature and relationship with the world. Again…I see the image of a tree in my mind right now. Trees KNOW the balance. They live rooted in the earth and in the sky. They are strong and steady because of the challenge of the wind and rain. They are diverse and beautiful, in all different shapes and sizes and colors. They may seem like they aren’t doing much, but if you take the time to observe the same tree everyday….you will see magnificent changes, strength, and the divine balance of life, death, and rebirth. So so wise we could all be if we just respect the knowing of the tree! Ahhhhhh…….

Well……that’s why I am here. I am here to live through the biggest, hardest, and most beautiful transformation of my SELF. To bring my spirit down and through my body…into my legs and into the earth. MY mama earth…my dear dear dear mama earth whom I miss soo much right now. I yearn to be in her waters, her sands and dirt, hugging her branches, smelling her fragrance, listening to her creatures and songs on the wind. Wow, how incredibly special it is to be amongst the powerful goddess mother earth. How often I have taken it for granted and how often I have enjoyed her presence when I am Alone…awake and listening. It is here where I find my peace. Alone, in nature there is spirit. The divine partnership is “As above, so below.”

Here I am. Now I have found my peace in the “Here I am.”

I am

I am

I am. Sat Nam † Truth is my identity †

Finding Strength

It's been one week since I moved in here to the Rehabilitation Center....one of the best in the country. I also have one of the top doctors specializing in spinal cord injury... he was Christopher Reeves' physician...woah! Every day since last saturday I have had 3 hours total of occupational therapy and physical therapy...in one i do things like balance in the sitting position or practice dressing, moving my legs, putting on shoes....thats the occupational stuff. Then I spend time strengthening my arms and abs....the abs don't even need any exercises..they are clinging together just trying to help me sit up. Every night and every morning I ache but every day I get stronger. Before this happened, I used my legs and feet sooo much...and the most arm workout I got was from lifting children =). Now is my time to strengthen my weakest points...the back muscles that have always been a complaint in my life...it's time to leave all that complaining behind and empower my body to finally grow and learn to lift me up! It's amazing the little things that we take for granted....I never knew how heavy my little legs were...or how special it is to be able to rub your feet and love them. I finally touched my foot for the first time 2 days ago.

This week has been so amazing. They started me right away doing things I really did not expect that I could do this soon. I was cranked up into a standing brace 3 times this week....a contraption that locks your knees and holds your butt in so that you are standing up! woooooaaaahhhhhh was that cool. First day I tried it I lasted 30 minutes without my blood pressure dropping, 2nd time i was in for 20 minutes...and yesterday!? I was in it for almost an hour PLUS the head of the recreation dept set me up to paint while I was up there....the room of therapists were amazed with my painting. haha....I was just being me though! ANd boy did that feel good! Every day I am closer to human again...you know those little things....like brushing my teeth next to the sink or putting my hair in pig tails...or decorating my room as I wheel around in the new chair. Oh yea...wheel chair class! the obstacles....the ramps, the doors, even the elevator...everything is now a new perspective.

I will never be the same Laurie I was....I am seeing strength building inside of me that never would have surfaced without this challenge. I cry at the little things and I am moved by beauty and strength and all of the love and support I am receiving. I still cannot thank everyone enough for the prayers and continuous thoughts and donations. My room is sooo beautiful with all of the gifts and colorful things. =) So Laurie.....

Just as I watch the trees hold strong and become stronger as the wind rustles their branches and leaves....so will I take on the challenge of the wind and rain to strengthen my core, my branches, my spirit and soul.

Rise up to the occasion! I invite you all to face something that you complain about or something that you know you should do but find every excuse in the world why you dont have to. Either way...the universe will always bring you where you need to be.

I am here! I am now...and I am finding my strength every day.

Strong, bold and brave....I AM I AM

LOOOOOVE to you all ! =) Sat Nam