Wednesday, April 30, 2014

The "Matter"

What really matters?

What a question for my mind and heart.....they both have such different responses!

My mind likes to look at the logistics of survival, the approval of audiences, the millions of problems to solve before I can RELAX. Then my heart jumps in and says only is all that need to look at the problems....just be love. What an interesting back and forth to side of me saying everything is wrong...and the other saying everything is alright. WOw....exhausted anyone?

So what really matters?

First off, perhaps what really matters is that I can be aware enough to notice the difference between living in my head and living in my heart. Before taking Avatar® I felt as though I was operating inside one or the other. In front of some people, I made sure I was being logical...then in front of others, I spilled love all over the place with absolutely no awareness of things that may be dangerous (this is how I ultimately injured myself). What matters to me in this moment is that I do have that awareness to notice...I still feel myself bouncing back and forth sometimes but the balance is so much easier to find and the journey is an enjoyable one.

What is the matter anyway?

The matter I’m speaking of here is the blank canvas of’s something that I create. I can create so quickly that something is “the matter” and just as quickly say that there is no “matter” unless I choose there to be. What a concept! for this exploration let’s say that the matter I am speaking of right now is “Life”

What really matters in regards to LIFE?

Well, now that I can use discernment of head and heart becoming an integrated system, I have been able to look at life from angles and perspectives I was unable to access before. I had only read about the concept of a multidimensional universe...or a multi-verse as they say on the NOVA channel. All the fascinations about dimensions, quantum physics...all of that was only something I “knew” about. The beauty I feel now is the experience of LIVING ~ recognizing the many aspects of each unique presence, being, space, moment, energy ~~~ recognizing the radiating life force that we each carry a piece of.

The most amazing experience I have started to have happens when the pieces connect with a reverent and wordless appreciation. I can honestly say that I thought I had to be “all heart” in order to experience love...but this heart centered awareness that I feel now comes from an integrated sense of being. My whole self can be included...I don’t have to leave my mind and body out....I can include all aspects of “me” and radiate this with others. It’s truly a gift to experience. I thank the Avatar tools for helping me create a grounded existence that feels itself as source. Being source while inhabiting a body and using a old spiritual identity did not believe this could be possible. Perhaps it was too many lives living as a meditating yogi who spent all their time outside of the body....but this concept of living as source while connected to my body feels new to me. It is a true gift.

Before my injury, I visualized being as deeply grounded in the earth as I could be. I would imagine myself to be the energy exchange between the tip of the deepest root of a tree and the soil in which it was supported. I wanted to BE the energy exchange from root tip to soil and as I lay in bed falling asleep, I would pray to be this grounded.

Although this visualization is beautiful, I didn’t have tools to handle what I was really experiencing and feeling. I was feeling completely dis-connected from my body, especially my lower body, and the earth. I felt I was completely “out-there” and knew that if I wanted to stabilize myself, I needed to get “real” somehow. I prayed, I journaled, I did qi gong, yoga, dance, meditation, blogging....I sought out healers to help me heal something I didn’t understand ~ which was that I felt I was missing my own ability to connect with myself.

I am in the healing process now of creating my own root system that no longer exists in my imagination but is within the beauty of my biological being. My body’s healing is a physical expression of the emotions, the beliefs, the fears, and the dreams that I have been wanting to create for a long time....maybe longer that I can truly conceive of with my current mind. The process I am going through consists of exploring my blueprint, digging deep, owning my creations, taking personal responsibility....controlling my attention, increasing my willpower....all with a compassionate heart’s appreciation, a discerning mind, and strong support system. Every step is truly a blessing....

I have attracted high vibes, beautiful healers, amazing stories, incredible role models, and the most amazing tools to help me create my intentions. Now that I am well on my way, I have been able to create the space, time, and energy to spend helping others. With every being I assist in taking control of their own life, I also integrate something in my least this has been my experience. I remember reading about this when I was exploring healers and their work....always they felt that they were receiving with each healing they gave. It’s a win-win. hmm....Maybe.....just maybe we could live in that kind of a world! What would it take? I am willing....I’ll do whatever it takes.

The heart of the matter...

In this moment, we are moving forward...whether we are choosing to be an active part in that process or letting others be the drivers for now...that’s what it feels like. The earth continues to spin, suns rise and set, moons wax and wane, animals hibernate and do the plants, trees, and bees. Life grows, recycles, and grows again. It’s beautiful to feel this constant movement of the planet and it’s life and learning how to dance with it is possible. I used to be afraid to “step out” onto the stage we call “life”....but if not Me, then Who? And if not Now, then When?

What matters to you?

I invite you to take a look today. Put your explorers cap on and enjoy what you discover =)

Namaste, Laurie

At the Avatar Wizards Course, February 2014

Avatar® is a registered trademark of Star's Edge, Inc. All rights reserved.

Saturday, April 26, 2014

What I didn't say....

You told them I was song in motion.....I never heard you.

You told me there was nothing I could do to make you stop loving me....I didn’t let it in.

You said you’d always be there for me....I didn’t believe you.

You told me you cared....I took it for granted.

You told me I was beautiful....I scoffed.

You told me I was useful and beneficial.....I denied it.

You told me I could be anything I wanted to be....I challenged you.

You told me I was fine the way I am....I wanted more.

You gave me time, patience, love, and care.....I ignored it, I ran away.

You told me everything was simpler than it seemed.... I made it more complex.

You were honest about your feelings.....I lied about mine.

You called and stayed connected.....I rebelled, shut down, and turned off.

You worried about me.....I made your worry wrong.

You stood by me in my most painful hours.....I still forget to thank you every day for that.

You became my everything..... I punished you for giving it all away.

You gave me advice.....I bashed it.

You told me you were proud of my accomplishments.....I was ungrateful.

You gave to me....I tainted your gift with guilt.

You loved....I made it an expectation with conditions.

You acknowledged my power.....I profaned it....

What I didn’t say.....was how much your love means to me.

What I didn’t tell you....was why I was afraid.

What I didn’t let you know....was that I didn’t know the answers.

What I couldn’t let you see....was how much I needed you.

What I had to keep hidden from you....was that I felt completely inadequate in comparison.

What I didn’t want to reveal....was how badly I wanted to be by your side.

What you couldn’t possibly have understood...was why I wanted to leave.

What I truly felt and couldn’t express....was how much I needed your support.

What I kept secret from you.....was that I was terrified to lose you.

I am sorry.

For my reactions, my behaviors, and most of all my lack of reverence for you as a sacred being, I am deeply and truly sorry. I own my mistakes, my projections, my mis- and non-actions. I fell out of alignment with you but most of all, with myself. I’d like to give you my best self from here on....and with a remorseful heart, I thank you for teaching me so many beautiful lessons that have ultimately led me to hold all life as special and unique. You may feel I am full of it...full of “woo-woo”....or even part of a cult....but this comes from my honest and vulnerable heart. I cry tears of gratitude, remorse, and joy. I am finally feeling life. Every day still seems to keep expanding in ways I never thought that it could...and it all comes from within myself.

I’ve learned how to forgive myself, surrender judgement, and that I cannot make anyone change to my standards..nor can anyone else make me. It’s all up to me. Learning personal responsibility has been one of the most challenging and awesome tasks. But I tell you....I’m up for the challenge...I’m up for it because, for all the times I never said I was sorry, I have paid a price. For all the times I didn’t speak up when I was afraid, I have learned a lesson the hard way. For all the times I forgot to be in a present moment of grace that is shared with another, I abandoned and lost a part of this sweet and sacred connection. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to clean up the messes I left behind me in order to create a clear path full of joy and possibility for the beauty rising on the horizon at this time. I want to be the change...I choose this path.

I ask for us to feel exactly how we feel together...whether it is hurt, sorrow, joy, or bliss. I invite you to feel...feel me as you and you as me. I wish to recognize the light in you that is also in me and keep my attention on that bond between us all. All distance, all time, all identities, all thoughts can fall away as we dance to the beat of our hearts and sway in the ebb and flow of our breath. Feeling together even when we are apart, and remembering that magic within us. We can end the search for miracles now...for we have found them at home in our heart’s connection.

May all beings be happy and well, and may we all find peace and enlightenment.

Love, Laurie
Artwork by Laurie Kammer, March 2011