Tuesday, April 28, 2015

The Journey continues

What if we erased all of our thoughts about the world....what if we absolutely cleaned the slate of our past....our story....what if we pressed the restart button.....what would be the first thing we decided to plant into that vast space?

This topic intrigues me. I used to think I had the perfect way to be.....I was doing the vegetarian thing....eating right, no more drinking, thinking positive thoughts, and reading all the best books. There have been many times in my life where I thought I had the answers....I thought I was aware. But maybe the real perceptions were being blocked out because I was just hanging out in my head all that time....thinking about how good I was doing according to the latest research or trends in the hippie/activist/artist (don't know exactly what to call it) culture.

It's been one hell of a journey....and I'm seeing the dots connect....I'm feeling more compassion for those steps that were taken from that place of showing off and being special and needing attention. I'm noticing where all these steps eventually have taken me....and although it was a very bumpy road....I've noticed I'm finally landing in my heart. I didn't realize that being grounded could feel so loving. I used to think that grounding myself meant I had to be more logical and sensical about things....like I needed to be really good with numbers and stop being such an artist all the time. It's so interesting that this new feeling of groundedness has been a heart awakening....and that I've taken all of the attention off of it being so serious. Who knew that you could be totally expanded and also grounded!?

I see that my journey is about learning to use discernment....to speak up....to stand up!.....to be me.....to listen more.....to laugh more.....to cry more.....to feel.....to steer my own ship....and do it deliberately.....this journey leads me beyond the limitations of my disability....through the challenges....which still come my way!!!.....and into a loving path of consciousness work.

I see that this is really what I wanted for so long....and most of the reason I felt so lost in life while growing up. There is this part of us that somehow knows that we are bigger or maybe just a part of something bigger than what we can perceive. That is what lights me up inside. That there is purpose for life... for my life....and for that beautiful connection that comes when we interact as "me" and as "you" ~ minus those labels.

I've also noticed that the world is ready for more of this. I feel as I speak with people throughout my days that just sharing a connection is more valuable than anything....we all want to be able to care for others and feel cared for. In fact, just yesterday I was rolling toward a door to a restaurant...and right as I was swinging it open a young man was coming toward me to get it but quickly saw that I had it just fine....he was sort of shy about telling me he wanted to get the door because I could feel he didn't want me to take it in a wrong way. He said "of course you had it...." and we shared this very sweet moment of gratitude as I thanked him for the kindness and said to him how I have learned to really start appreciating help as it comes.

While I was in the bathroom after that moment (the best place for personal realizations hahah) I realized that my experience of being in a wheelchair has brought sooooo many moments like this one. I have gotten to see the kindness in people more than usual....I see how much people care about you even if it is only in the way they look at you. Perhaps in the beginning I was so self conscious about being in a chair that I took it as sympathy or fear in their eyes.....but now I can see the genuine love and care that humans share for other humans. We see ourselves in each other.....we learn more about ourselves as we let in moments like these. Humans get a bad rap sometimes...but we aren't that bad are we? ...... it really does depend on how you look at it I suppose.

For me....it's been a journey....one of care and kindness and compassion. I've seen through a lot of the mind stuff and I've continued to explore the creations of my life from this space of curiosity. Always feeling excited about not really knowing.... yet having the amazing power as a creator to be able to DECIDE what I wish to tell myself about the story of my life.....what I wish to believe about the direction my life is headed....and how I feel at any given moment.

Like I said, a journey....and I'm so grateful for the Avatar tools to be able to speed up the process of integration so that I can be more available to others. The more I integrate in my space...the more wide open space for others to step into and explore their own lives.....and the more compassion and forgiveness I feel about myself....the more I can understand and be present with others who are struggling to forgive themselves. Gifts of integration.

What a life.

Is it possible to feel so grateful you could explode? I think so.....

Namaste my loved ones.  Love Laurie ~ More pictures below of me and my sweet Zephyr kitty

Sunday, April 26, 2015

being Successful...being Me.

 I'm not sure what to write about these days....maybe that's why I haven't blogged in a while. I've had my attention on so many different aspects of my life and also the lives of others...and so much has grown in my personal evolution. I know I have some very dear friends who have enjoyed these posts in the past, so I am just going to share some "in-the-moment" thoughts with you all and thank you so much for your continuous care and compassion for my journey.

Something that has been on my mind recently is being successful. I mean successful in the broad way....it includes being financially stable, being confident, feeling worthy, and pretty much shining inside and out. There are areas in my life where I shine...no doubts about that....but then why haven't I allowed all aspects to be just as great?

Recently my father visited me in Florida at my new apartment. It was the first time I had gotten to spend time with him for more than a day in about 3 years.....crazy! I had the chance to show him my van, drive HIM around....that was certainly a change from 3 years ago =)....and I got to feel that awesome feeling of just being together. We have a cool thing, us two. We love music, we love food, we love people, we love driving, we love markets, etc. We jammed on guitar and ukulele at a cafe....and talked computers.... and relaxed in the moment....etc.....you get the point? We're cool =)

Then after our days together I dropped him off at the airport and it suddenly hit me....I wanted to hold on. It was so amazing that it was almost tragic to have to let go. I felt like every type of person in that moment....a mother, a daughter, a grandma, and brother, the favorite uncle...the wife...you name it....I was feeling all those pains we feel when we have to leave our loved ones or simply allow them to move on.

I was so grateful in that moment because I began exploring the whole creation rather than feeling taken over by it...by using the Avatar tools... I felt through the tough emotions, noticed the thoughts, the feelings, the ideas, all of it.... and I came to this amazing new perspective about my life. I ended up crying tears of gratitude instead of tears of pain. My fears had dissolved into love. To me, this is what transcending really is. These are those moments of enlightenment. When we actually "LIGHTEN UP" ~ we can laugh and shine only 10 minutes after having an experience of complete destruction. ~ I feel that in our day to day lives we are offered so many opportunities to move into a deeper sense of connection and love.

That morning began a whole new life for me.....a life that I could actually feel alive in! This is not uncommon these days since I began working with the Avatar courses....there are moments where you literally feel completely brand new but with this total sense of "I am present with who I am"

The new perspective I found is this. I will try to get it as clear as I can...but for me it is absolutely mind blowing. I realized that most of the self-sabotaging behaviors or creations in my life were actually motivated from this inner desire to blame my parents (or just plain blame) for making me....for raising me a certain way....or not the way I wanted them to....for their unhelpful indoctrinations...for passing on patterns that were difficult for me to move through....I wanted so badly to place the blame on them because I mean who else do we blame for the way our lives are? What am I trying to prove by being unsuccessful and sabotaging any good stuff that comes my way?

Well, NOW I feel that the best way to give BACK to my parents and loved ones what they have given me.....(which now I see as a pretty fantastic set of beliefs to live by if I so choose).....is to choose to go out into the world and be successful.....by being the "me" they created and that "I AM." I saw how much I love my parents for the way they let me explore my creativity....my father believes that music can change the world...he listens to Bob Dylan and Paul Simon...etc....and my mom brought me to my dance classes...she played recorder to me....and they both enjoyed all of my artwork....they both care about children, writing, and sharing with kindness and care. What a beautiful team I created! Even though their relationship didn't move forward after I was born....they were together to create me....to love me...and to pass all of this good stuff on that I couldn't feel when I was stuck in the blame game.


I'm sure you can relate.....you know....something good comes your way....and you say to yourself inside...
"look ______ I am doing it Despite your un-helpful beliefs about me"....
or you say..."this will make them see how I can succeed without their help".....
or "I'll prove them wrong for not believing I could actually create what I want."

But these types of thoughts and motivations actually taint the good stuff...to me it's a helpful default....because I like to feel that in everyone's heart there is a true discernment that won't let you succeed from a place that is blaming the world. At least.....I personally don't think that is a happy life. Maybe people do succeed in blame....and maybe that's why they are depressed? It's a thought....I told you I'm just going with the flow here....but anyways ~  Being successful only to prove someone else is wrong...and you are right. hmm....there's that right/wrong game.

But isn't this how we all do it? I mean....how righteous are we? Pretty righteous!

"look at me, I did it anyway!" "I am better than that...I am better than you...see!?"

Maybe you don't relate.....but I feel this is a pretty collective thing in our consciousness. We want to succeed so badly but we need to have some sort of motivation or else we pretty much just sit around and wonder what we are supposed to do in life. What about creating deliberately positive motivations? Like being grateful and showing the world what is actually possible?

Well I am so grateful to feel this new perspective about my life and my parents.....I really do want to succeed and show my loved ones that they created a beautiful being with a purpose here on the planet. If I can let go of my past fully....then my attention can be more focused on what's coming next...and how I can help. Being in service by being me....wow. Pretty cool.

We may not be fully out of our right and wrong game yet on this planet...but in these transcendental moments we can each find a gem of insight to rise above and into the vibration that goes beyond our identities.....beyond right and wrong....to that place where we are all source beings learning about life here.....together.

I so encourage everyone to take a look at what is motivating them to be successful....or unsuccessful. What could you be doing that is helpful....or that you actually LOVE to do? It is interesting...but did you ever think that you could serve the planet by simply being HAPPY? Well....you can. Your smile can change the world.....so do the things that make you happy =) Give your happiness with no agenda!

So much to do here yet =) Its a big job being "You" isn't it? Well....here's the shocker.....NO ONE else can be YOU! The visions you hold in your mind will never be seen by anyone else unless you decide that your ideas, your mind, your heart, and your contributions are actually worth it.....and if you don't believe that you are worth it....I'm happy and totally confident in saying YOU ARE.

=) Well ~ now I'll share some photos from the last 24 hours....I've been feeling super happy, grateful, and beautiful from the inside out... enjoying being me. I try to capture these feelings...sooo....All hail to selfies hahaha.

I love you all so much. Please shine that bright light in your heart out to the world....its only yours and yours to shine......and the light in me SO loves the light in you. =) Namaste

with gratitude most of all ~ Laurie

late night creations
sleeping in, good morning selfie
feeling rad and so grateful for my van....
new henna tattoo oooooo
Van shots....I am still amazed....baby eyes every day

 sun is shining...and the ramp isn't broken haha ~ life is good
fabric shopping....for my new wheelchair! finding fun things.

feeling my light and willing to share it