Here I Am

July 23, 2011

Here I am, end of week 3 in Rehabilitation. I am transferring everyday from wheelchair to bed, wheelchair to mats…stretching my legs, lifting weights, standing in a frame that holds me up, biking in a machine that stimulates my legs muscles to move, painting with an art therapist, talking with my fellow rehabilitators, laughing with the nurses, loving the therapists, and consistently working on Rising Up Laurie. “Laurie Lifting” as someone called it yesterday. =) There are many lessons to be learned through this experience….I’ve only touched upon the strength I am going to need to move through it all. Everyday I am shown hints into the extreme self work that is required in this moment of my life. Today, I will share a few…

1. Most important right now…is my yearning for independence. This has been my challenge, my struggle, my complaint, my “blame game” on others…..the Fight for my independence. I realized in this past week that I always thought of independence as something that you accomplish with OUT the help of others. I believed that to be independent meant being alone, and getting there had to be a lonely journey. Well…being here in this situation…I am seeing very very clearly that in order to become independent again, I actually REQUIRE the help of a whole team of people…my family, friends, therapists, doctors…..and also paint, ukulele, pens and drawing pads….there are so many people and things around me to HELP me through this journey. I don’t HAVE to be alone…or achieve independence through a silent suffering. Yes, your life is your own…and Yes, every step is your step….but what about CO-Creating with my support ~ with my SELF!? I feel that everything and everyone in our surroundings is in some way a reflection of our consciousness and if I could just see and recognize that every person, place, or thing can be a tool or a lesson, then the flow of consciousness would be just that….a Flow…an ever-changing flow~ transformation.

2. My transformation ~ Rebirth ~ This is a time when I am seeing myself in a whole new way…I can choose to feel incomplete and broken, or I can choose to see my whole self as perfect and complete~ as Puranpreet~ my spirit. Everyday I make strides in connecting back to my legs and my body. Everyday I struggle with the nerve pain, the discomfort in the spine, the temperature changes, the bathroom struggles and more. Yet all that is happening is putting me more in the moment than ever. The pain is a wake up call…it’s the call that cannot be ignored anymore. Complaints of discomfort and complaints of skin troubles…things that have been a vicious cycle for me since I was young. Now everything is amplified and I am finally ready for my whole and complete healing. I feel and know in my heart that this is a deep deep healing for me. Maybe it’s deep because these pains and beliefs are rooted in my early developmental years…or perhaps these are pains that I have carried for lifetimes. Either way, I am ready. God am I ready.

3. I am an artist. I am a creator. I have been a fighter for my independence, my transformation and healing….but also for my passions in the arts. As an artist, I have always judged myself and convinced myself that those who love me don’t believe that I can make a living through my passions. I have held onto this kind of attitude….which sounds like this…. “I’ll show YOU, that I can be an artist, musician, dancer, vendor, hooper…etc…and still make enough money to make a living…I’ll even become rich!” This statement is coming from a very selfish and childish part of me that doesn’t feel good enough, smart enough, mature enough, FILL IN THE BLANK~ ENOUGH! Why? Well, because this is another core and deep belief I have acquired from my social environment and my own ways of protecting myself. “What are you protecting yourself from?” you may ask….Well…..My whole life I have held myself back from being the best…all the while believing that “I am the best at everything!” (another viscous cycle). It sort of goes like this in my head……If I don’t succeed, I might not be good enough, If I am not good enough, then others will not love me, and if others do not love me, then they are going to leave me, when they leave me, I will be alone, and if I am alone, I will be……well alone. Huh…wow. When I got there to the end of the sentence I had this moment of peace. You know why? Because I actually Love to be alone. =) hahahhahha It is when I am alone that I am most creative and connected to my spirit. It is when I am alone that I feel free and allowing of any emotion to surface and release. It is when I am alone that I take care of myself, cleanse myself, and affirm myself. When I am alone I dance my true dance, sing my heart out, and give myself the time to create whatever it is that is in my imagination. I love my imagination. I love my spirit. ALL I really want right now is my spirit to manifest in my physical body. I want to really live the life of spirit manifest here on earth. I know…I already am. But why do I feel this split so heavy!? I hear my inner voice loud and clear and I hear my mind and ego even louder sometimes! My challenge in this moment is to find that divine balance between the glory of collaboration with others and the glory of the self….it ends up being a dance. A tango. A divine partnering of yin and yang that ebs and flows and never stays in one place. Thereeee yaaaa gooooo. For me, it’s about allowing in “Divine Partnership.” This can be manifest in a Lot of ways…relationships with friends, family, and men…relationship with my self and my own masculine and feminine energies….relationship with nature and relationship with the world. Again…I see the image of a tree in my mind right now. Trees KNOW the balance. They live rooted in the earth and in the sky. They are strong and steady because of the challenge of the wind and rain. They are diverse and beautiful, in all different shapes and sizes and colors. They may seem like they aren’t doing much, but if you take the time to observe the same tree everyday….you will see magnificent changes, strength, and the divine balance of life, death, and rebirth. So so wise we could all be if we just respect the knowing of the tree! Ahhhhhh…….

Well……that’s why I am here. I am here to live through the biggest, hardest, and most beautiful transformation of my SELF. To bring my spirit down and through my body…into my legs and into the earth. MY mama earth…my dear dear dear mama earth whom I miss soo much right now. I yearn to be in her waters, her sands and dirt, hugging her branches, smelling her fragrance, listening to her creatures and songs on the wind. Wow, how incredibly special it is to be amongst the powerful goddess mother earth. How often I have taken it for granted and how often I have enjoyed her presence when I am Alone…awake and listening. It is here where I find my peace. Alone, in nature there is spirit. The divine partnership is “As above, so below.”

Here I am. Now I have found my peace in the “Here I am.”

I am

I am

I am. Sat Nam † Truth is my identity †