I was always the one sort of watching my and others' emotions like a person in the bleachers watching a soccer game. It was easy for me to recognize they were there but I was a detached observer rather than an active participant. It might seem like a nice way to live...detached from feeling any of those uncomfortable emotions like anger and hate, but it also kept me from feeling the joy and gratitude and even pride for being me. I didn't realize how numb I was until others started making comments about it. I was completely clueless to my own inability to feel my emotions.
Something that The Avatar Course has given me in the last year of attending courses is a new ability to feel on a deeper level. Once I started feeling instead of thinking about emotions and observing them....I cried....tears of sadness, tears of rage, tears of guilt, tears of gratitude, tears of love, and tears of joy. Isn't it amazing how many different types of tears there are? I never knew! Now I embrace the moments of crying....I'm learning to recognize that it really is ok to feel and I'm excited to learn more about this new ability and how much it can offer to my life.
So with the big move to Florida....and this next Avatar course starting in 2 days...I am going to let myself dive deep into feeling it all and allowing things to integrate rather than be pushed aside or watched like a TV show with a blank stare across my face. Haha....I know I'm in trouble when I am in the "blank stare." It's really great to know I have triggers and signs that tell me when it's time to feel!
For those of you who don't know, my wheelchair is called "Fuschia" and we've been together almost 2 years. This chair gets me where I need to be and where I want to be. It's amazing the adventures we have been on and now we are about to embark on yet another. Who knows what will come, but I am so grateful to have these wheels that help me fly free in this new world I am creating in every moment.
What a rainbow we truly are...full of these different emotions and abilities. With every day I find I am able to awaken to yet an even deeper level of being whole and honest with myself. I find that the hardest thing sometimes is letting myself be exactly as I am...and forgiving myself for the times in my life where I numbed myself to being present with my own feelings and the feelings of others. The only place to start over from is NOW....Here and now. Onward! There are better things ahead.
May we all be free to fly into the unknown territories that have our essence and dreams written into them. AHO ~ Namaste.
"World Bird" by Laurie Kammer - Winter 2011