Welcoming 2015

New Years Eve.....

I have celebrated this day in many ways and each one uniquely different from the last. Always spent with loved ones and full of setting intentions. Some years were spent dancing the night away, some quietly in the living room of my childhood home throwing hand made confetti over my best friend. There are many I remember....and also many long forgotten.

I don't consider myself very traditional with holidays and rituals but I really love to learn about them....and I respect the inherent purpose behind them. I've been known to create my own holidays or re-create how I choose to celebrate or honor their purpose.

I feel its not only fun, but also important to learn why we celebrate....what we are honoring....and what we are giving and receiving. As I have grown to understand myself more and expanded through many experiences, I have enjoyed creating everything to be more in alignment with who I am, where I am at, and what my priorities are in each present moment.

So.....with that....here is a little excerpt from this unique New Year's Eve.

Painting Again.....infusing the canvas with intention and setting it ablaze with paints....

"The Beginning...."

Deciding to create more ritual in my life....I began the day with lighting a candle to light my way into a bright new year.

Spending a quiet and early morning appreciating all the gifts I share....with my sweet Zephyr by my side.

Feeling incredibly grateful for finding the key within my heart that opened me up to a life spent with others who are choosing to live deliberately, creating a connection between head and heart, quieting the mind, accessing a space of stillness, acting on intentions, "bringing it on", bridging unknowns, integrating desires and resistances, learning to trust myself, loving others with compassion, knowing when to start.....and when to stop, and being ok with the constant work of moving forward through more and more stretches in consciousness. Why look for an end when it's all just beginning? I am one happy Avatar Wizard.

 Letting my creative juices flow through me.....allowing myself to be successful in all I do....and letting my spirit truly shine.

 Sharing an amazing breakfast brunch with my wizard roommie, feeling grateful for living in Florida....eating beautiful local greens and organic local eggs in the middle of winter....wow.

 After a lovely Jamaican curry chicken dinner (wish I had a picture).. and a reminder of how much one can appreciate and be appreciated.....I made it to a bonfire with a small group of many different peeps. Some I knew, some I met.... I set flames to an old journal that had entries written from just days (and even the day right before) I fell out of the tree house in 2011. It was time in my heart to let go of this chapter of  my life. I was overwhelmed then....a mess about how to move forward in my life. One intention I had written did create...and that was to exercise my spiritual muscles. I asked loud and clear...I cried out in my journal for something new. I was ready. Never would I have imagined that my life could change so drastically and so quickly...but it has. There are many gifts. And learning I can be loved again and love myself is definitely one of them. So cheers to moving forward, to letting go, and stepping further into a life you prefer and deliberately wish to create.

 To sharing in the greatest gift one can give.....and contributing to the co-creation of an Enlightened Planetary Civilization.....I am truly blessed.

May we all continue down a path that is unique and true to what we feel love for.  Follow your heart and let your mind help you discern.....we can create better....

I won't give up on practicing this beautiful path of compassion and alignment with the bigger picture. I am so thankful to my teachers out there who remind me of who I am, for the ones who push my buttons and make me feel the things I've "thrown under the rug"..... and for the ones I am yet to meet.

Let's do it.....together.

We can.

=)

I love.

Thank you ~ Laurie

Love, Hope, and Faith

If nothing else, I’m learning to love myself again, to allow that love to come fully into my being. 

The sweetest gift of connection and genuine care. Slowly and gently moving forward into the most beautiful embrace.

My heart opens and more importantly my being-ness relaxes and feels again. 

Feeling hope and faith beyond the fears.... and feeling the love of grace. 

I’m listening and sharing again. 

I have less expectation and more wonderment and excitement for the unknown. 

There may be more yet....but if time stopped here…I am present with it and amazed.

An unshakable faith that we can change our lives, our minds, our stories, our beliefs, our realities….when we are willing to do so. 

Could it get any better? 

Could there be more to grow, more to do, more to become? 

Yes.....and that's all I really need to keep saying.

I am grateful for this gift. 

Thank you.
Thank you.  
Thank you. 

Laurie 

Notes to Self...

hmmm.....I just found an article from March 2013....and have some notes to share

Sometimes the best advice I find comes from myself. =) I totally needed to hear these words today....and I love how "past" information or writings can be brand new....this is the gift of being present. I am sooo grateful to read this and feel how far I have come with tools that help me create even more gratitude for the journey I am on. 
 

From the Article (click here for the full article)
 --- “Trauma is not always sad, it can create connections to bring people to ‘self-recover’ into a new life” is how Laurie Kammer views life today. “Before the accident I felt very disconnected, having lost touch with people I cared about. I was anxious to move forward in my life, I really knew I wanted to help people but I was not sure quite how to do that. The impatience I felt to have it all figured out left me feeling overextended and exhausted. Today I am comfortable in the fact that I am not supposed to know the ‘destination’, only experience the journey, remaining open to the new possibilities that every day brings”

"Laurie knew that if she was to be able to have a full life going forward, she needed to begin to really focus on healing her inner self if in order to facilitate the maximum healing potential for her body. She suspected that she could adopt new ways to experience life: through a prism of non-judgment, a way she felt especially equipped to handle because of her own personal journey, and in turn have more compassion for others. Enrolling in the Avatar course which emphasized preventative care, and the exploration of consciousness through meditative tools to become more present: “I learned I could choose what my life would be vs. being a passive victim of it. I could continuing to stay in negative patterns or choose to shed those old beliefs that were not serving me. When I embraced this way of thinking, I felt self-empowered, and in charge of my own recovery.”---

After reading this I am reminded that forgiveness of self, honesty, gratitude and increasing my self trust are all big parts of how I am able to continue moving forward. We can appreciate ourselves =) My cat Zephyr just came to my side, put her paws up on my wheels and talked to me....perfect timing.

What I was asking for, I received. I wanted to step into a life that was full of purpose, grace, love for others, healing, and true empowerment through spiritual work. I have found this and more. We all have unique ways of getting to the places we want to be and it's up to us to determine the fine details. This is why the work I do now is so important to me...I can see that our intentions drive us forward and that we really can be source of the outcome.

On that note, one of my favorite quotes by Harry Palmer, Author of the Avatar® Materials.... "Love is an expression of the willingness to create space in which something is allowed to change"

Namaste ~ Laurie

My Return to Gathering of the Vibes 2012!

In the summer of 2012,  July 19-22.... I made a return to the festival community with a vending booth I used to work for called "Little Hippie" ~ the owner, Taylor Swope had suggested I could go and that she would somehow make the booth accessible for me and my wheelchair. Well.....that happened!

I spent the weekend in bliss with my old friends and made new friends as well. Despite the challenges that come with spinal cord injury, I thoroughly enjoyed my time in the sweet sounds of festival life. Making hair flair, hula hooping, painting, dancing, helping in the booth, playing ukulele, hanging in hammocks, shopping around, new bands, etc, etc.

To honor this experience I have created a video and would love to invite you all to experience it with me. There are many ways to continue enjoying your life after injury or trauma. I found many pieces of my soul here that were deeply healing for me. I also met someone who significantly changed me in a few sentences...but that I will leave for another story at a future date.

In short....My advice? Life is best lived when you are following your heart and bliss in every moment. Live to your fullest excitement and even when others are wary about your decisions.... learn to use your own heart as the compass for your life. I've made many huge life changing decisions in the past few years and I don't regret a single one.

Is my life a challenge? YES. It is very much so. My day to day consists of things that most people would never think about. I don't blame because I was no different before my injury occurred. I don't feel the need to tell people to learn more about spinal cord injury....unless they want to. I'm just living life from a different perspective right now and the exploration has taught me valuable life lessons. I've gained insights into the importance of life, of compassion, of patience, of gratitude, and of honesty with oneself.

I still have many dreams to achieve and now that I am living my purpose in every way I can....I feel more and more confident in my ABILITY. I am a true evolutionary soul....and I believe we can all create exactly what we want. I use the tools I have and the more I open to not knowing how things will look, the more space I have for things to create. The journey continues.....

AND NOW......the video.... "My Return to Gathering of the Vibes 2012"

My Love and Gratitude,
Laurie
Namaste!

Being afraid of....Myself?!

This morning I had the privilege of working with my mother using an Avatar® exercise called Transparent Beliefs. We both found beliefs that ran deep into many situations we have encountered and now that the light is shed on beliefs creating an experience that was not preferred, we both see how we can create forward from this clearer space.




It was spontaneous but it catalyzed another exploration which I did on my own. I wanted to change being afraid to have what I want....and the belief I found which really surprised me was that "I am afraid of myself" ~ Taking a step back and really seeing how I've lived through this belief sheds so much light on why I haven't fully gone for it in all areas of my life....or why I have but it has been through the filter of being scary. I'm actually a pretty tough cookie and tend to do those things that scare me....but this morning I decided that I didn't want to be scared anymore.



Go figure that the thing I have been most afraid of was myself!


How funny....well.....now I can feel all kinds of new beliefs that I would rather create in order to move smoothly through changes in my life. I don't need to create paralysis in order to motivate me...although it has been that kind of journey! Interesting how something that feels "frozen" is actually what became the "fire" under my fanny! hehe

Why I have always held back in getting what I want has been a mystery to me until I popped this morning's transparent beliefs. The first one I popped was about feeling like I couldn't have it yet.....the belief I found was "I prefer space over having anything." This belief actually created the perception of space being separate from "things"....or more like "anything"

So I have sat in a perception of "space" instead of experiencing anything...whether it is tangible like a car or intangible like falling in love....instead I decided to create "space." How paradoxical! It's such a self-deception that they exist as separate. No wonder people think I'm spaced out sometimes.....I'm deliberately creating that over being anything else! Hahaha Hilarious ~ Again.....it's so funny to look at how we create such interesting situations and learning experiences from the beliefs we hold!

 I enjoy my space I have created....but now I can deliberately decide that I would prefer to enjoy both having space and having what I want! Then I can take it a step further and decide that what I want doesn't have to be something I am afraid of first....and I don't have to be afraid of myself or what I create.

Sure, in the past I may have destroyed and broken things that I labeled as "mine"...meaning that I "Had" them....but I can decide to trust in myself and to "have" things again! It all starts with the present moment....here and now.

I'm so grateful for the Avatar tools this morning....for being able to discover and explore in a light way with my mother and then on my own. For being able to dis-create feelings that came up when I made a new decision, a primary belief "I let go of fear." I was able to create the space I love and then feel how I could let in new life. Deciding that new experiences are fun instead of scary =) That the new me isn't someone I have to be afraid of. I realize I've been sitting around being afraid of someone I "was".....and by doing that I was re-creating "HER" in the present moment. It's all NOW =) SO Grateful for this realization.

Cheers to embracing our journeys, sharing with those we love, enjoying our space and to stepping fully into all that is!

Namaste everyone! With love and gratitude for a shared journey and exploration together, be well! ~ Laurie

Avatar® is a registered trademark of Star's Edge, Inc. All rights reserved.

Taking the steps and learning to stand

"By taking steps to bring our dreams to light, we can rise up as the natural creators we really are" - Laurie Kammer

As I continue to heal myself, I find that the majority of the emotions and thoughts that have accompanied my injury have to do with relationships...to myself, to family, to boys, bestfriends, old and new.....which lead to some interesting discoveries today.

Today I was using the Avatar® tools to process something I would like to create and was surprised by an old unfelt emotion of feeling unworthy. I have thoroughly indoctrinated myself with enough self development books before beginning Avatar to "attempt" believing that this was not actually true....but the FEELINGs were still laying dormant underneath all of the "mind-stuff." It's so amazing to me....to cry and feel something so old and possibly not from this lifetime. Maybe you don't experience past lives, but I tend to find that certain feelings run so deep and are so confusing that it's hard to imagine or perceive its from this life.

I've led a very stable life thus far....there aren't many reasons to believe I'm not worthy, that I'm incapable of achieving great things, or that I am deprived in any sort of way. I have been supported all my life by many. Those of you taking the time to actually read these words are most likely a part of that loving care and I'm so grateful for each and every one of you.

Perhaps I created this feeling of unworthiness simply to experience what others in the world are experiencing in situations that are far worse off than mine. Imagining those who live with tough diseases, hunger, thirst, and violence is so far from my reality that its difficult to feel what that would feel like. But for no real reason at all today....I empathized with that pain...the loss....the suffering. I can cry a river for the heart of this planet and have no apparent "reason" or "logic" as to why. I feel that is a beautiful service to the world...and it grows compassion in my heart.

The reason I love the work I do in consciousness with the Avatar tools is that the mind only gets used deliberately....other wise it takes a back seat to the "I" that is source and beyond the mind, body, and emotions. "I" get to navigate through my consciousness and feel my way through my blueprint and the mass consciousness.

Today it felt as though I touched upon something that runs deep...not just in me but in all of us...maybe its our universal self-deception...the concept that "we are not worthy." I don't know....but it was a powerful emotion to feel.

I find that after getting to the other side, the relief, the relaxation, the coming back to ME feeling....its like Home. You come through to the other side of a scary and uncomfortable feeling and your back at home with you....minus the pain...and with an added layer of love and compassion for those who feel this way on a regular basis but are resisting their experience of it.

This is what I feel about taking steps to bring our dreams to light. Right now, I am excited about many new projects I am beginning as I really settle into living here in Florida now. It's been one of the most exciting transitions of my life...something I did deliberately...not alone, but with my own intention behind it and not someone else's. That doesn't mean there was only support....I felt how uncomfortable some were with my decisions, but it didn't stop me from taking the necessary steps that my heart was guiding me to take. I recognize that my journey truly is about learning to "stand up for myself." =)

This has been such a lesson for me. To truly listen to my heart with my head's discernment. I was always good at living in my heart but was constantly going to others for the discernment part. "Will you be my mind and decide for me?" was my hidden agenda in a lot of my relationships. When I counted on myself to discern, I was making choices that led to danger, the wrong crowd, and lowered energies that were bringing me down. Allowing my intuition to blossom by using the Avatar tools has been priceless to me. I can save myself before I fall now...and if I ever do fall, I have the trust that I'll attract the help I need and that I can get back up again.

We really are amazing creators. This life is such a precious opportunity to experience this...to experience our power....to learn how to evolve ourselves in a deliberate way and lead the way for the future generations who are already being born with such amazing abilities and light.

I honor my path, my journey of painful lessons, of graceful lessons, and of pure joys in experiencing.

I invite you to do the same and to follow your heart. If you would like to share more with me about my journey or feel drawn to the Avatar materials, please leave a message or send me an email. I am happy to share in connection and send my love to you.

email ~ Riseupandflourish@gmail.com

Namaste ~ Laurie

"What is the real work to be done on this planet? It’s to make people more aware, to remind people that their essential nature is a nonviolent spiritual being, and to increase the amount of compassion and cooperation on the planet." — Harry Palmer, author of the Avatar® materials.

Avatar® is a registered trademark of Star's Edge, Inc. All rights reserved.

Letting it in

I've had a lot of attention on letting go lately....

 but what about Letting it IN?

 What is it that truly stops me from letting in all that is? When I receive a compliment, a gift, a message, etc...what indicates that I am letting it in or not?

The question here comes from a feeling I had as a child every time I had to open a gift in front of others...I always wished it didn’t have to be a show for everyone to watch. I wanted to receive in private. Interesting huh? It was actually embarrassing to receive any credit in front of others. So at a young age, I was already playing the “I’m not good enough to let this in” game. Maybe there was an intuition that there was more to life than material...but I don’t really know so I’m just exploring it a bit.

There are many ways to look at this game we play with ourselves. Perhaps it was from an early childhood experience, perhaps past lives, maybe an indoctrination passed on to me from family or friends. Who knows really...I just felt really squirmy and did a lot of self-monitoring to make sure I at least looked thankful. I was so wrapped up in the show of receiving that I forgot to “feel” thankful. It’s amazing how the act of monitoring can shut me off from feeling real in the moment.

I had expectations on myself about how others wanted me to look while receiving, how I am supposed to act and so on....hmm...What beliefs are really there that made this all so weird!

I’ve been exploring so much of my squirmy and uncomfortable parts...and I continue to come out the other side with a renewed sense of self. What I can really feel is the biggest difference between who I am now and who I “was” is that this new me can feel. Maybe I still have resistance to something I am feeling...but now I can even feel the resistance! It’s amazing....everything has a form to feel, every belief and idea I have held about receiving is something I can now explore by feeling them and experiencing what my life has been up to this point. I can even decide to feel before experiencing....something I had no idea I was able to do until I did Avatar®. Awakening to the tools that have helped me truly experience all aspects of me and life =) What a gift.

I can’t say I’m fully through the fears of receiving...but I am seeing more and more the value and gift of letting it in. I can feel the sadness, the pain, the profaning of love that I create when I tell myself I’m not good enough....it invalidates humanity. Taking personal responsibility for my own fear of letting it in...not placing it on my environment, my parents, etc...has been a journey.

When I think of healing and letting it in, I can see how overcoming this challenge is going to allow me to truly move forward. What is it that I am keeping out anyway? My own ability to receive...its an ability....a gift...a real gift I get to give myself. “I” am the one waiting like everyone in the room....for myself to open the gift I am trying to give....to Me! I can feel my higher self just waiting patiently, tolerantly, and lovingly for me to really let it in.

I can honestly say I am more compassionate about this part of me that feels dis-abled. Exploring myself fully....Where have I felt disabled or handicap in my life before creating the handicap symbol into my life? Where was I already disconnecting from receiving a message I was trying to send myself? I ask this because the nervous system and the spinal cord are our communication systems...they are the way that the brain and body communicate....but what activates this system? Is it my attention? my spirit? my higher self? What makes me think that I cannot be in control of this intricate system I am living in.

I can choose to feel trapped by the current disconnection...or I can get curious and start learning, extrapolating, and making some new choices. It’s my paradigm shift...and hopefully as I shift...so will the world around me.

Perhaps I can let in the disconnection first...it’s been waiting just as patiently for me to address its needs. Maybe all it needs is a little tissue...a glass of water...and some encouragement before it feels ready to get back out there and be a receiver again. If it’s all “me”....then why not let it in?

Now that....I can let in =)

Namaste, Laurie

Avatar® is a registered trademark of Star's Edge, Inc. All rights reserved.

The "Matter"

What really matters?

What a question for my mind and heart.....they both have such different responses!

My mind likes to look at the logistics of survival, the approval of audiences, the millions of problems to solve before I can RELAX. Then my heart jumps in and says only love....love is all that matters...no need to look at the problems....just be love. What an interesting back and forth to feel.....one side of me saying everything is wrong...and the other saying everything is alright. WOw....exhausted anyone?

So what really matters?

First off, perhaps what really matters is that I can be aware enough to notice the difference between living in my head and living in my heart. Before taking Avatar® I felt as though I was operating inside one or the other. In front of some people, I made sure I was being logical...then in front of others, I spilled love all over the place with absolutely no awareness of things that may be dangerous (this is how I ultimately injured myself). What matters to me in this moment is that I do have that awareness to notice...I still feel myself bouncing back and forth sometimes but the balance is so much easier to find and the journey is an enjoyable one.


What is the matter anyway?

The matter I’m speaking of here is the blank canvas of life...it’s something that I create. I can create so quickly that something is “the matter” and just as quickly say that there is no “matter” unless I choose there to be. What a concept! hmm....so for this exploration let’s say that the matter I am speaking of right now is “Life”....so...

What really matters in regards to LIFE?

Well, now that I can use discernment of head and heart becoming an integrated system, I have been able to look at life from angles and perspectives I was unable to access before. I had only read about the concept of a multidimensional universe...or a multi-verse as they say on the NOVA channel. All the fascinations about dimensions, quantum physics...all of that was only something I “knew” about. The beauty I feel now is the experience of LIVING ~ recognizing the many aspects of each unique presence, being, space, moment, energy ~~~ recognizing the radiating life force that we each carry a piece of.


The most amazing experience I have started to have happens when the pieces connect with a reverent and wordless appreciation. I can honestly say that I thought I had to be “all heart” in order to experience love...but this heart centered awareness that I feel now comes from an integrated sense of being. My whole self can be included...I don’t have to leave my mind and body out....I can include all aspects of “me” and radiate this with others. It’s truly a gift to experience. I thank the Avatar tools for helping me create a grounded existence that feels itself as source. Being source while inhabiting a body and using a mind...wow....my old spiritual identity did not believe this could be possible. Perhaps it was too many lives living as a meditating yogi who spent all their time outside of the body....but this concept of living as source while connected to my body feels new to me. It is a true gift.

Before my injury, I visualized being as deeply grounded in the earth as I could be. I would imagine myself to be the energy exchange between the tip of the deepest root of a tree and the soil in which it was supported. I wanted to BE the energy exchange from root tip to soil and as I lay in bed falling asleep, I would pray to be this grounded.


Although this visualization is beautiful, I didn’t have tools to handle what I was really experiencing and feeling. I was feeling completely dis-connected from my body, especially my lower body, and the earth. I felt I was completely “out-there” and knew that if I wanted to stabilize myself, I needed to get “real” somehow. I prayed, I journaled, I did qi gong, yoga, dance, meditation, blogging....I sought out healers to help me heal something I didn’t understand ~ which was that I felt I was missing my own ability to connect with myself.

I am in the healing process now of creating my own root system that no longer exists in my imagination but is within the beauty of my biological being. My body’s healing is a physical expression of the emotions, the beliefs, the fears, and the dreams that I have been wanting to create for a long time....maybe longer that I can truly conceive of with my current mind. The process I am going through consists of exploring my blueprint, digging deep, owning my creations, taking personal responsibility....controlling my attention, increasing my willpower....all with a compassionate heart’s appreciation, a discerning mind, and strong support system. Every step is truly a blessing....

I have attracted high vibes, beautiful healers, amazing stories, incredible role models, and the most amazing tools to help me create my intentions. Now that I am well on my way, I have been able to create the space, time, and energy to spend helping others. With every being I assist in taking control of their own life, I also integrate something in my blueprint...at least this has been my experience. I remember reading about this when I was exploring healers and their work....always they felt that they were receiving with each healing they gave. It’s a win-win. hmm....Maybe.....just maybe we could live in that kind of a world! What would it take? I am willing....I’ll do whatever it takes.



The heart of the matter...


In this moment, we are moving forward...whether we are choosing to be an active part in that process or letting others be the drivers for now...that’s what it feels like. The earth continues to spin, suns rise and set, moons wax and wane, animals hibernate and awaken...as do the plants, trees, and bees. Life grows, recycles, and grows again. It’s beautiful to feel this constant movement of the planet and it’s life and learning how to dance with it is possible. I used to be afraid to “step out” onto the stage we call “life”....but if not Me, then Who? And if not Now, then When?

What matters to you?


I invite you to take a look today. Put your explorers cap on and enjoy what you discover =)

Namaste, Laurie

At the Avatar Wizards Course, February 2014


Avatar® is a registered trademark of Star's Edge, Inc. All rights reserved.

What I didn't say....

You told them I was song in motion.....I never heard you.

You told me there was nothing I could do to make you stop loving me....I didn’t let it in.

You said you’d always be there for me....I didn’t believe you.

You told me you cared....I took it for granted.

You told me I was beautiful....I scoffed.

You told me I was useful and beneficial.....I denied it.

You told me I could be anything I wanted to be....I challenged you.

You told me I was fine the way I am....I wanted more.

You gave me time, patience, love, and care.....I ignored it, I ran away.

You told me everything was simpler than it seemed.... I made it more complex.

You were honest about your feelings.....I lied about mine.

You called and stayed connected.....I rebelled, shut down, and turned off.

You worried about me.....I made your worry wrong.

You stood by me in my most painful hours.....I still forget to thank you every day for that.

You became my everything..... I punished you for giving it all away.

You gave me advice.....I bashed it.

You told me you were proud of my accomplishments.....I was ungrateful.

You gave to me....I tainted your gift with guilt.

You loved....I made it an expectation with conditions.

You acknowledged my power.....I profaned it....

What I didn’t say.....was how much your love means to me.

What I didn’t tell you....was why I was afraid.

What I didn’t let you know....was that I didn’t know the answers.

What I couldn’t let you see....was how much I needed you.

What I had to keep hidden from you....was that I felt completely inadequate in comparison.

What I didn’t want to reveal....was how badly I wanted to be by your side.

What you couldn’t possibly have understood...was why I wanted to leave.

What I truly felt and couldn’t express....was how much I needed your support.

What I kept secret from you.....was that I was terrified to lose you.

I am sorry.

For my reactions, my behaviors, and most of all my lack of reverence for you as a sacred being, I am deeply and truly sorry. I own my mistakes, my projections, my mis- and non-actions. I fell out of alignment with you but most of all, with myself. I’d like to give you my best self from here on....and with a remorseful heart, I thank you for teaching me so many beautiful lessons that have ultimately led me to hold all life as special and unique. You may feel I am full of it...full of “woo-woo”....or even part of a cult....but this comes from my honest and vulnerable heart. I cry tears of gratitude, remorse, and joy. I am finally feeling life. Every day still seems to keep expanding in ways I never thought that it could...and it all comes from within myself.

I’ve learned how to forgive myself, surrender judgement, and that I cannot make anyone change to my standards..nor can anyone else make me. It’s all up to me. Learning personal responsibility has been one of the most challenging and awesome tasks. But I tell you....I’m up for the challenge...I’m up for it because, for all the times I never said I was sorry, I have paid a price. For all the times I didn’t speak up when I was afraid, I have learned a lesson the hard way. For all the times I forgot to be in a present moment of grace that is shared with another, I abandoned and lost a part of this sweet and sacred connection. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to clean up the messes I left behind me in order to create a clear path full of joy and possibility for the beauty rising on the horizon at this time. I want to be the change...I choose this path.

I ask for us to feel exactly how we feel together...whether it is hurt, sorrow, joy, or bliss. I invite you to feel...feel me as you and you as me. I wish to recognize the light in you that is also in me and keep my attention on that bond between us all. All distance, all time, all identities, all thoughts can fall away as we dance to the beat of our hearts and sway in the ebb and flow of our breath. Feeling together even when we are apart, and remembering that magic within us. We can end the search for miracles now...for we have found them at home in our heart’s connection.

May all beings be happy and well, and may we all find peace and enlightenment.

Love, Laurie

 

Artwork by Laurie Kammer, March 2011

Landing

Greetings!

I haven't written in a while, and I apologize for those who have been wondering what happened. In the past year, I have completely re-started my life! I now live in my own apartment in the beautiful state of Florida where I get to enjoy birds and sunshine on a daily basis...plus sooo much more! It's so awesome and has been one of the MOST empowering moves of my life....

The 3 main reasons for moving were
1) Being closer to some amazing teams....The Avatar® Course deliveries, which I have been graced and honored to be a part of and continue to learn so much from... and a refuge for artists living with paralysis, the Rise Up Gallery 
2) Starting to retrain my body at the Project Walk Orlando gym specialized for people living with spinal cord injuries, and I am already making huge moves!
3) The increased sunshine and accessibility...winters in a wheelchair just simply weren't for me...I feel motivated to start driving again in a flatter state....plus I have access to locally grown fruits and vegetables which is optimal for the diet required to re-grow your nerves....YES that's what I'm doing...go vegan if you want to do this...(nothing against happy meat though)

That is the short version. Along with the transition came many difficult decisions, deeply felt emotions, mistakes...or as I like to call them..."learning opportunities"...LOTS of HELP....grace, gratitude, and humility. Through it all, my motto remains. "Just keep going!"

Being in a body that has limitations is a very difficult life indeed. What you can and can't do are much more obvious and flaws aren't as easily hidden. I've had to become more vulnerable than ever...I've had to ask for help...I've had to dig deep for motivation and willingness...and I've had to face fears and emotions that were buried for years. Some days I wonder how I could have been so numb to what was going on...even when I could "FEEL"....I wasn't actually feeling! Even when I could "MOVE"....I wasn't going anywhere in my life. As I have faced all of these challenges and decided to move through and feel them...I continue to grow and evolve. This path was always waiting for me...I woke up to it the second I hit the ground....it accelerated with the intention to keep going...and when Avatar entered my life..it leapt to light speed! I truly feel so graced to have the support I now have at this time. Every step that led me here was bigger than it seemed at the time...and I am sorry for every moment and person I have taken for granted. It's all been a blessing. =)

Now for a story that happened at the gym this week....a really interesting perspective on how my sub-conscious mind has affected and still affects my reality!

So.....my trainer puts me on a machine called the "total gym" which is used for spinal cord injury clients to start retraining their knees to lock and unlock and gain strength in their legs...I think it's pretty much to help create any movement that will help the person to stand on their own again. So I'm laying on the sliding pad, my feet on on the foot plate, and my trainer is sitting above my feet on the foot plate facing towards me to assist if my knees aren't moving.

 On this day I figured out that if I flap my arms around then it was soo much easier! So I'm there flapping my arms and enjoying watching my knees unlocking, locking, unlocking, etc...laughing at the silliness of the movements and explaining that life in a wheelchair is so "still and confined" that it feels very strange to be moving my body and arms so much. I feel grateful that I am in a place where I am encouraged to move in any way I can ~ as long as I MOVE.

Next, my trainer lifts my feet in his hands and slides me up the machine, then slides me back so that my feet land on the foot plate. He explains that they used to do this so that when the feet hit the foot plate, the client would feel the vibration of it as though they were landing on the ground from a jump. Well, the interesting part of this was that when my feet hit the foot plate I felt the vibration and instantly took notice that an internal alarm went off in my mind. I was like, "wow! That's interesting....I really didn't like that."

I instantly remembered that on more than one occasion in my life I stayed hanging above the ground, hovering on a rock, or dangling on the monkey bars being terrified of my feet hitting the ground. I am pretty sure I am not the only one who has experienced the shock and pain from landing on your feet wrong....ouch!! Flash-backs of fear-filled moments flooded my memory mode...times when I stayed paralyzed and afraid of my feet hitting the ground were shown to me in this moment on the total gym. It was such an insight to me of how this fear was running in the background the night I fell. I know this might be weird to say...but to me it kind of makes sense that I didn't land on my feet....I didn't WANT to!!

 

 The other interesting part of this piece of the story is that landing on my feet was something I was consciously trying to overcome in the months leading up to my injury. I used to have the privilege of nannying my niece and nephew. I had been taking my niece to the playground as the spring weather was warming up and as she went down the slide, I would deliberately jump from the top of the play-scape and attempt to bend my knees as much as possible upon landing in the rubbery chips below. Everytime - no matter what I did - the landing was scary and painful...but I continued to practice...apparently I just hadn't acquired the right tools to overcome this repeated experience!

So back to the moment of realization on the total gym. I immediately told my trainer what I was seeing and feeling. How amazing the sub-conscious mind is...I was also shown how powerful our fears can be that are transparently running while we try new things or just go about our day. I am so grateful to have the awareness I have now to catch these moments, to be able to take an observer's viewpoint. Instead of being a victim to the feelings and memories, my trainer helped me to start "landing." He lifted me up again by my feet so that I could hold onto the handle bars above my head. Even though the sliding pad of the total gym was pratically parallel to the ground and not vertical...this gave my mind the simulated impression that I was holding onto monkey bars and dangling my feet above the "ground" (or footplate).

So then it was up to me to decide when I let go. As my feet approached the footplate, my trainer would slow them just enough so that I landed and didn't slam too hard for my body to handle. I laughed every time at how challenging this was for my mind to accept. I was re-structuring my brain with a new pattern....to deliberately land on my feet! This is just the beginning of some of the amazing insights that have been occurring when I get out of my chair and back into moving my body.

I'm dealing with old patterns that are bumping up against the new patterns I am offering my mind and body. Now I believe all of this is possible if you have a strong enough intention and will. I also believe that the increase in awareness to simply take a "widened-back" perspective and notice what is happening in the moment has helped me tremendously. My years of doing yoga, being in tune through dance and music, taking classes in qi gong and energy, and really exploring the many ways in which we can create and experience have all led to the continuous work I now do with the Avatar tools. It just keeps getting better...

I love the life I am living...I can appreciate the pain, the mistakes, the untold secrets, the protected identities, the fears, the traumas....even the anger! I can be found to take myself too seriously...and sometimes I can be found to take those things that people do or don't do too personally. I've pointed fingers, I've played the victim, and I've made excuses or played stupid. Maybe 2 1/2 years after my injury I am still in a wheelchair...maybe I am still experiencing the same exact pains and challenges...but I have learned to appreciate and keep going when I am discouraged, and I can still be of service by deciding to show up for myself and most importantly for others. I am practicing every day to use my will and place my attention on the things that really matter to me. I can still make goals and achieve them and I can still make a big change on the planet while I keep doing everything I can to re-activate, re-generate, and re-birth myself into an integrated and whole person again. I can "be the change I wish to see in the world" as Gandhi says =)

For now, I'm enjoying the flight of an explorer...and I am starting to enjoy the landings too =)

May we find peace and enlightenment in all of our experiences....and may we all rise up a wiser and more compassionate being because of them. I am truly blessed and graced to be able to share this journey with such loving people and I thank you ALL for taking the time to ride the waves with me.

Namaste ~ Love, Laurie

Avatar® is a registered trademark of Star's Edge, Inc. All rights reserved.