Thursday, June 30, 2011
In the last week, I have been through a variety of feelings....
First of all, my legs are feeling dense...extreme pins and needles...electric pulses...and jumpin at their own leisure. It has been interesting trying to figure out how to explain how this experience feeeeels! At first, I had energetic legs...they were there but they felt as though they were stuck in a certain position...which was different from where they actually were. I began feeling the vibrations as music and energy workers were around me. My aura was and still is very much alive in order to compensate for the loss....this is sort of a dream come true for me as I have always wondered what it would be like to be so sensitive to the energetic space that exists around, within, and between all things and beings. People would wiggle their fingers above my legs or wave their hand past my foot and I would feel it like a wave or a tickle passing through me....a very intense sensation. Then the electric pulses started...I could literally see in my minds eye what the nerves would look like inside my legs if I were to shrink down and walk through them....like little root systems lighting and firing in bright neon blue bursts down my leg. I'm now feeling like I said....not only nerves but mass...it's like a density that wasn't there before. I can feel the outline of my calves but I still can't feel the surface skin touch. I'm working from the inside out~
how cool is this? This is by far the hardest and most challenging experience thus far in my life...but it's taking me on a fascinating journey already. Tomorrow I leave for rehabilitation...a transition that I am now feeling ready for.
I've been surrounded by so many that love me...and I've had lots of moments to share with those I have not seen in years. I want everyone to know how grateful I really am for all of this. I had realized only a week or so before this incident, that I had been blocking a great capacity of love into my life...and boy did I cry for at least an hour when I had that breakthrough.....well woah! here I am receiving more love than I could possibly ask for.
But more on feelings....I am for the most part taking this whole thing really well...but I am really challenged as I learn to express myself in all the facets of emotional being. When I need something, I have to advocate and speak up...and sometimes you have to repeat yourself or access your anger so that the doctors will finally hear you or respond to your question. The most apparent though....are my fears and my grief and sadness. When I am pushing myself to sit up in the brace that hurts my back soooo much to be in...looking at the wheelchair...breathing...keeping myself steady...as I look at my feet on the ground...I am holding in the extreme emotion of not being able to feel them there. I am scared when my body leans forward...I feel as though I am going to fall over and I have no control over my lower half yet. The first time I wheeled around in the chair was earlier this week....and I was soooo overcome with joy that I was crying....it really is an overwhelming experience. I wheeled all the way downstairs and out the front door...when the sun hit my face, my whole body said "yes." Then I made it across the street to a picnic area and got right up to a small tree in the center of a gravel circle. This is when I really let go....I was saving it and staying strong so that I could release in a moment of extreme gratitude for such a simple thing as going outside and touching the leaves of a tree again.
The lessons will continue to pour in as I maneuver my way down this path. I will be physically challenged more than I ever have been...and it's time. It's time to go deeper within myself...move forward...and really heal on so many levels.
So let's get to it then.
Much love to you all ~ my website will be up and accepting donations this week...keep checking in. I love you all and many blessings to you. Sat Nam ~ Namaste
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Every morning a nurse wakes me up at around 6 or 6 30 for vital check....that's where they take my blood pressure, temp, and blood oxygen level....and then again around 7 30 to talk to some surgeons or doctors. I'm sort of amazed at how much I chat after being in a deep sleep. I take this time in the morning to connect with the doctors and nurses...I explain as much as I can about the many different sensations I feel throughout the day, exactly where the pain is, and how I have used vibrations to help me monitor or experiment with both. So far, I can feel that I have really turned some heads in this hospital. The comment when they enter my room...."wow this is not like the rest of the hospital".....I have not yet had any kind of negative response...whoo hoo.
What's sort of funny is that before this occurred, I had some trouble advocating for myself, or a topic I felt passionate about, in a way that was rooted in truth and confidence. Now, whenever a nurse or doctor enters the room...I can't shut up about the amazing results I am getting from the various therapies I am receiving....mainly with vibrations and music. My vocabulary, my voice, my tone....everything has changed since I entered the Morristown hospital. I am confident, willing, and excited to learn more about myself, the body, and how to heal on multiple levels. My room surrounds me with beautiful objects...crystals, paintings, sacred geometry designs, star gazer lilies, a live plant, a pineapple, and lots of love from the many visitors and healers that have entered. I'm eating raw, organic and live foods, and spending quality time with my people who I have very deep love for. It really feels just like my own room would. I give so much thanks for the people who have done that for me. I honestly am not sure how high my spirit would be without all of the support. Thank you.
Soooo.....my lower half!! It's still there and I'm connected with it, I just can't get it to move yet. Through this loss....I have gained a new muscle...which is being EXtremely sensitive to energy. I can feel inside my legs and hips....electrical impulses, swirling sensations...hot, cold, numb, sharp...all different reactions to how I am sitting, who is near me, what is happening around me, what crystal is on me, what vibration is occurring, what am I looking at! Like I mentioned, music and vibrations have been detrimental....I cannot go a day without something vibrational. So far, I have felt my legs become lighter, very warm, and sometimes like little fingers are tickling me on the inside. I have a drum from Mexico, a Tibetan singing bowl, my ukulele, and my dear dear friend who plays guitar and mandolin, who visits almost daily...and when my dad brings his guitar, the JAM is ON. I've been blessed to be able to jam on my uke with my friend who plays the bodhran and drums, and to also have an old school keyboard at my feet being played by my first serious boyfriend. It is AMAZING to me to feel music/vibration in this way. A completely different way of perceiving has been given to me as I have temporarily lost the ability to move with the music. The drum warms my whole body, the uke sends signals from my heart down my legs, the mandolin tickles me inside.....and more....wow.
I feel there are so many things I am learning and will take with me when I enter into the Kessler rehabilitation center next Friday. The fact that 2 doctors now come to my room specifically to absorb more info and experience with the singing bowl and crystals is a huge success. The staff here truly is wonderful and open...I am so grateful to be here now. I am stronger every day and have not stopped accepting what is present for me. My yoga practice kicked in immediately when I fell...I lay there in the dirt pretty scared and upset about dancing =)....and yet I was able to work through this swiftly by breathing deeply and saying...OK I accept. Let's do this. My ride in the helicopter was interesting...I lay there breathing, closing my eyes, and without even trying, just watching myself dance....I breathed in and out and repeated to myself, "I will feel, I will feel...I feel I feeel!" Breathing, affirming, and accepting....beautiful lessons and practices to have with you before something like this.....and sometimes you have to fall hard to be put into a place where you will evolve even more. I'm feeling the rise....I am on the rise and I have an amazing team of interconnected loved ones who I feel are on the rise with me now. Soo in love with this feeling....Community can form in one moment through a crisis. This is a world-wide lesson we are receiving right now through these harsh times....but the crisis is what precedes transformation and creates a priority to ACT Now. sighhhh. Big stuff going on within me....but also within the world. For now, I am able to experiment and experience all of the many things I have been studying and practicing in order to really heal myself. I have talked a lot in this blog about my yearning to heal and heal others.....always knowing that in order to reach out, you must first reach inside and become whole and healed yourself.
I am Happy. I am Healed. I am Whole. I am.
Namaste everyone. Keep that love coming. Intention and prayers are what matter the most and what will ultimately create the rise we are all looking for inside ourselves. Riiiiiiise up. Resonate~Blessssings. So many blessings. Love.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Blessings! My name is Laurie Kammer and I am currently recovering from a fall out of a tree that has left me paralyzed from my belly button down. Every day has brought both challenges and opportunities my way as I learn how to adapt to this state of being. I have received so much support already from friends and family and for this I am overwhelmingly grateful. When I fell I was completely conscious …the slow motion, the thoughts, the purple pop of light when I hit and broke my spine, and the instant realization that I will not be able to dance if I cannot move my legs. As help came, I fell deeply in love with everyone around me and was in a state of awe as I observed my rescuers being of service to me…something I had never really experienced before…I even smiled as I was lifted into the helicopter. In the hospital, I am still ever so in love with the warm and nurturing staff. I am receiving Holistic recovery including acupuncture, bodywork, crystal and energy medicine, and most important to my legs, music and vibrational therapy. Some of these healing modalities come from the hospital and some come through those amazing family and friends I have. When I leave the hospital and enter into rehabilitation, I will begin to face many new challenges. The rest of this story is unknown…How long will I be there? In what state will I leave there? One thing I do know is the financial burden I am currently dealing with is one that I cannot face alone. My support group is doing all they can to raise awareness as they begin to collaborate and create fundraising events. In my honor, these events will include the things I am most passionate about…art, dance, music, community, and healing through LOVE. I thank you all in advance for the donations and creative collaborations that mean so much to me. I hear and feel your prayers. I accept this challenge as I plant a new seed within me to find strength in my own inner tree. With so much love and a great big smile, Thank You and Namaste!
-Laurie Kammer- June 23, 2011