Tuesday, December 13, 2011

The "C" word...




Commitment....that's a big word for me.

It has taken me years of soul searching, reading self-help books, attending workshops, and many insightful conversations with those who love me...just to start getting clear on the things that are blocking me from my Self.

One of those "things" is that big C word.

It's not that I have a problem committing to other people....that's actually very easy for me to do. You want me in your life? You need something from me? SURE! I'm there for you, in fact, you can control my life all you want because that not only makes things easier for me....it makes me feel good. This has been my pattern...and it's not serving me at all anymore.

Of course this pattern isn't all bad because it's simply a behavior I needed to develop as a way to protect myself when I was younger. I feel and know in my heart that a lot of our adult "issues" or "blocks" come from our childhood environment....family, friends, school, media, the babysitter, the babysitter's dog.....etc....EVERYTHING affects us ALL the time...like Feng Shui....which is translated into "wind and water"....ever-changing, ever-flowing...and sweetly pervasive aspects of our true and natural composition. I'm basing this on the now-proven fact that everything in existence is energy...that creator and creation are ONE whole - ultimately inter-connected on a subatomic "subtle" level.

Most of us are too busy, distracted, and wrapped up in the clockwork of everyday thoughts and happenings to recognize this. I know....because that was - and in a way, still is - me. Yup, for sure... I'm still partly dwelling in that old way of being. The up-side is that, I see how we have the ability to get through these "issues and blocks" the moment we slow down enough to develop the awareness needed to address them. Sometimes it takes a life-changing event like becoming paralyzed...or maybe it comes from a scene in a movie, a passage in a book, or an emotionally charged fight with a family member to catalyze your "growth" muscles. Whatever the catalyst, and however, whenever it comes for you....it's just the right time, place, and person.

SO back to that "C" word....Commitment.

I've avoided that word in regards to my own self-development. I somehow grew up not knowing how to nurture my body, honor my gifts, budget my finances, stand up for my beliefs or truths, etc...(it's a long list). I was afraid to ask for "me" time. Instead- I would allow the time to pass and the emotions to boil up inside me until like a little 5 year old throwing a fit (or a rebellious teenager), I'd take my time or run away in a desperate search for the "ME" that I was yearning to find, hold and honor. In a way, I'm feeling that I had lost a part of my soul so long ago that I've spent my life feeling lost and alone - lacking clarity, and the strength to ask those around me for help. Instead?? It's so much easier for me to ask those around me how I could serve them...help them...save them from losing themselves in the way that I had. I know that many of you can relate to this in some way. Giving to others feels wonderful! Giving is a beautiful part of relationships...but how can we give when our vessels are empty?? What's left to give?

Slowing down......actually being forced to slow down....has been a gigantic part of my healing. Yes, I'm in a wheelchair and for how long I can not say. Yes, I am currently paralyzed...and again, who knows how long this will last. Every day I record in a log; my pain level, my meals, my challenges and achievements, my therapies, my moods....and it's through this process that I am able to see the slow and steady growth and transformation that is occurring. Key words being SLOW and STEADY. Becoming conscious of your own ability to change creates a practice that I will be working on for the rest of my life. It's the practice of becoming the co-creator of my life. Being active in the process of how my life manifests itself by developing the ability to choose what thoughts and beliefs are serving me. I can either evolve them further or drop them completely....oh boy, what a practice.

Whenever we let go of a deeply ingrained belief system....we put ourselves into the grieving process. Our bodies, minds, and emotions, have been operating with these systems for so long that we are falsely identifying ourselves through them. I'm finding that with every discovery and letting go I am more and more free to express my truth and to share that with others. Of course I have years of protecting layers to sift through....which ones serve me...which ones don't...the process is long and grueling and it's hard work! No wonder I've been avoiding it... I know that I desperately wanted to change...but it was so much easier not to.

I thought I was free.....I thought this because I was single and somehow that meant I was more committed to myself. Now I see that the true freedom comes through being truthful with yourself, and growing the confidence to safely express that truth to everyone. In fact, being in relationships with others has helped me grow more into my truth! I see now that I wasn't free....I was terrified. Terrified of showing others who I really was inside for fear of losing even more of myself or worse...losing them. The fears began to pile up...one fear led to another...an endless chain of paralyzing fears...creating more and more walls between me and everyone that loved me.

I sit here now....with aching, burning, stabbing, tense, and tight sensations running through my lower body. I call this day my "Day 2"....of my 3-day nerve pain/feelings cycle that I have finally tracked down. It's days like this that create feelings of frustration with my beautiful body. My body that is made of the same stuff the earth is made of....the same energy that flowers, bees, trees, and all of my beautiful family and friends are made of. Like I said.....the practice will be a life-long endeavor....towards allowing my emotions to move through me rather than build up and control me....

I suppose that is all for now. Again....this blog is yet another tool and piece of my therapeutic journey. Can we call it Blog Therapy? Cuz it realllly does help. To be able to sit down and channel my own thoughts and feelings for myself....hearing these words for the first time as they are also being shared with those in my support system. Thank you dearly everyone. Thank you Blog Gods.



Namaste and Blessings!
Laurie

Monday, December 5, 2011

Holiday CARDS?!! ~ try Send Out Cards...

Hello all!

I recently became a distributor for "Send Out Cards" which is an online card and gift sending program that enables you to create customized cards for ANYthing. I was first introduced to this program as a way for me to be able to reach out to everyone who has sent me cards and gifts as I recover from my injury. What I found when I started creating cards using this program, was that it is also incredibly convenient for me to connect with others quicker than I ever have before. Because I am an artist...I always tell myself I will make a gift or card for someone's birthday/special occasion...and then I rarely do because of life's busy pace. Thus creating guilt and downing myself for failing to act on my will.

"Send Out Cards" just made my favorites list because I can create personalized pictures and messages, schedule mass mailings to multiple people by importing a mailing list, upload my artwork to promote myself, create printed canvases of my artwork, create business cards, create video cards....and choose from a ton of gifts that can be included with the card. I forgot to mention they have a form for you to fill in your personal handwriting so that when you type on your computer....it can be YOUR handwriting and signature! I mean, come on....that's cool.

Though this is very "businessy"...I still see that just as I am taking time to get strong and independent again through my recovery process....Send Out Cards is going to help me to gain new "muscles" in a different way. I am learning that nothing happens quickly...everything needs to be practiced...and having a postitve attitude during the process is the key to success.

Sooooo.....I decided I will just start small and create a post here on my blog to just let everyone know about this great program. It's FUN, it's CHEAPer than buying cards at the store, and it SAVES you a trip to the post office. Of course for me right now....these things are all huge. If you go to this website....

https://www.sendoutcards.com/137245/

.....you can create a free card to see how easy the program is and make a decision for yourself as to whether you are interested in buying a monthly subscription or simply using the site whenever you think of a card to send.

Here's the differences between those two options...

https://www.sendoutcards.com/start/retail/

Basically, the subscription will offer a few more options and help you keep track of cards you have sent...also the ability to create mailing lists for different purposes (girl scouts, business, family, etc)....plus the points never go away if you want to let them build up throughout the year until the holiday season comes around!! Of course the "Pay as you Go" option is also convenient too and allows you to decide how much you are able to spend in one mailing.

This truly is a different voice for me....but I want everyone to know that I really am enjoying this program...especially because it shows that EVERYONE is creative =)

If you are interested in buying a subscription....then great!!! You will be helping me out by doing so and the money is going towards my new business venture so that I can continue to make money EVEN though I am currently recovering from a spinal cord injury and unable to work outside of my home.

If you own a business or non-profit yourself....or are interested in becoming a distributor yourself.....I highly recommend checking out the opportunity page:

https://www.sendoutcards.com/opportunity/

OK!! I'm still organizing my mail list for my BIG mailing to all you LOVELY people out there who have been so supportive to me. I look forward to learning more about how to grow as an artist and entrepreneur....and how this program can cater to the needs of both!

Take care.....HAPPY HOLIDAYS....and NAMASTE
~Laurie

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Stillness


"Seek out a Tree, and let it teach you stillness" - Eckhart Tolle

I have been looking through a beautiful book from an Ekhart Tolle retreat in Findhorn, Scotland and just really absorbing his words into my cells...they feel good inside. I still find myself so mesmerized by the powerful teachings that have surfaced from my fall. I continue to seek those important lessons that come through dramatic changes in our lives. Though I fell from a tree, I still find myself in such a state of nothingness when I gaze at them from my bedroom window...still awestruck by their grace and presence. My fall forced me into a physical state of stillness through becoming paralyzed...creating a shift in the way I do everything....from waking to sleeping...my routines have changed in ways I never ever would have imagined. I am still learning to sit fully in my body and tune in to its painful whisperings...each one yearning for my gentle attention. On my new mat table, I am allowing myself the time for stretching and laying flat in my favorite yoga pose..."Tree." I breath deeply into my aching ribs and back...seeking the space inside and sending it oxygen that is only available to me from our symbiotic relationship to those beautiful trees outside my bedroom window. I imagine my legs to be the roots...digging deeply into the earth below me and requesting her nourishment...feeling the energy spiral up from my toes, through my spine and up towards my pointed hands above me.

Great things take time...gardens need to be nurtured...weeds pulled...soil tilled....and patience and gentle care is a necessity in growth. Sometimes the storm comes and pulls and tugs on you...floods you with emotions....and breaks your weakest points...but nature is infinitely changing and re-adjusting to the flow that just IS. I'm seeking that space. That acceptance of truth within me that just flows with the balance...whether that means sun or storm...they are all a part of that delicate scale back to the divine union of duality.

Thank you all for listening to my channeled ramblings ~ My sincerest gratitude for your unique expression...whether sun...or storm...or just plain clouds....we are an everchanging and formless flow of life together.

Blessings ~ Namaste!

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Gratitude







I am presently this moment having such a wonderful feeling of gratitude I absolutely had to begin typing and sharing and expressing. I may explode if I don't!! As I really begin to see and feel my transition period shifting....I am noticing more and more how being supported by family, dear friends, and new friends has a profound effect on my overall well-being. I know that I may not be able to visit or communicate with everyone all the time, but I feel energetically connected and cared for in a very expansive way...like my whole being extends way way out to be nurtured in all that giving of love being sent my way. I mentioned this in the first week after I fell in June....and I am feeling it still to this day....It has not yet been my life experience..to receive such a grand capacity of love and appreciation. Now, I know that this wasn't because I wasn't being given love in my life....of course I was surrounded by all the same beautiful people...only I wasn't present...aware...or even willing to accept and receive this kind of support. For some reason..and I know I'm not alone in this...I really didn't feel I deserved that kind of treatment...that receiving was like being weak...and...I felt guilty! Wow...but I am beginning to shift right now...I am learning to receive...accept...and be present with myself and with others. I know I have more steps on this journey! Being injured has thrown me right into a healing crisis...into critical decisions and life changes...it has been so mind expanding as I curiously wonder and often stare at others....thinking..... how is it that the body works so wonderfully to make movements...I am truly in awe of even the smallest toe twitch as someone is just casually shifting their weight while having a conversation. I notice different shapes...curves...shoe sizes...and hip swinging...longing for the chance to twist my own one day.

I know...like many of my peers...that there is so much hope for the future of spinal cord injury. And to be honest...what excites me even more is the chance to discover what each moment brings...regardless of the labels or predictions or even the horrible nerve pain. If I can live each day knowing simply that "I AM"....well...the silence says it all. There is peace even amidst the rough waves at the surface.

Our world is living in stressful times...our earth is reflective of this and we are all getting pretty P-Oed at the way things are run...and controlled. I take responsibility as being a part of this development...I myself have come from a past of ignorant and mindless behavior...negative beliefs...false statements...tons of fear of the world...unhealthy habits and abuse to my body....trying to control others and situations....oh yea, and being an Over-Giver. There's just no way that I can say I am a victim of the craziness that surrounds me and all of the world when I have blatantly been a contributer. That is why I feel it is soo important that we all find time to stand up for what we think is important..to make changes where we know they need to be made...and to being choosing passion in our lives. Fulfilling our desires for our highest good and the benefit of all beings can only lead to more people Risin Up around us and with us. We are co-creative, strong, capable and absolutely empowered individuals when we stop controlling other people and begin to look within for the true guidance. To Our Heart....make our connections from this space. Here is an excerpt from an article on electromagnetic frequencies...

“The heart’s EMF (electro-magnetic field) is five thousand times more powerful than the electromagnetic field created by the brain and, in addition to its immense power, has subtle, non-local effects that travel within these forms of energy. … the heart generates over fifty thousand femtoteslas (a measure of EMF) compared to less than ten femtoteslas recorded from the brain.” (p. 55) The profound significance of these facts leads … to comment: “The Heart’s Code points the way to a new revolution in our thinking."

So anyways....this was a wonderful way for me to really channel that explosive energy I had going on twenty minutes ago. Glad to be sharing and I AM incredibly grateful for those of you listening without feeling the need to "fix anything." I'm learning that by just listening to someone...you are actually able to help their body relax...their brain releases the hormone oxytocin which relieves stress. The process of being completely vulnerable and open...of sharing with others can biologically balance your being!...haha how about that phrase? As my dad would say..."I'm down with that!" Seriously, let's balance the biology of our world!

From my grateful heart to yours....Namaste and Happy "Fall Back" ~ truly a night of recognizing and feeling the shift ~ or at least we get an extra hour of sleep back!! (huge deal for me!)

Blessings~Love~Peace
Laurie

love her


"in Love it is a Union"

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Standing and Stepping In Possibility



Standing on Day One of the EKSO trial at Kessler


A week ago today, I was already on my way to Kessler's "Stroll n Roll" Fundraiser to raise money for the ongoing research for Spinal Cord Injury. My dad and I were amped because we were going to see the new robotic legs called "EKSO" being used by a 20 year paraplegic and beautiful Australian woman, Amanda (She had just been sent to my email in a video link from the news). I had no idea how important this week was going to be.....

First of all, Amanda was just as sweet and amazing as she seemed in her tv interview. She was strong and spoke with a tangible excitement about walking for the first time in 20 years. Watching her brought up so many emotions for me, feeling grateful that after only 4 months of being injured I was going to be given the gift of walking again. I was introduced to Amanda, telling her about the 4 day research trial being done at Kessler for the Ekso on various levels of spinal cord injury. Her response was a cheerful, "OH, you're one of the lucky 6!" One of the lucky 6! I thought to myself.....woah that's really cool. I had no idea on this day the extent of the privilege I had been given. Next I saw my doctor from Kessler (the one who had also been Christopher Reeve's physician)...he me asked how many days I was participating in the trial. I told him 4...and he responded..."OH, you're one of the multiples!"......What does that mean? I asked, getting the typical jokester reply..."shhhh...It's top secret...!"

Well, now my mind was reeling with anticipation for the week and the new relationship I was about to form with the Kessler research team.....I'm one of 6...and I'm one of the multiples...not everyone gets to do this! Laurie!....I told myself....this is going to be a big deal! So then it was time for Amanda to show us how she uses the Bionics...it was amazing to watch and hear how satisfied she was with the comfort of standing in the legs and their ability to mimic the natural gate of an able-bodied stride. I was introduced to more people (again, at the time I had no clue how important these meetings were) and was interviewed by the New Jersey paper, The Star Ledger. I was told they wanted to track one of the 6 for the whole trial for an article. "Cool" I thought....and what a plus that the reporter was a pleasure to chat with...connecting with everything I was talking about as far as the arts and healing and the overall experience of being paralyzed. My dad and I left there feeling the buzz of the press...the importance of the trial....and the warmth of the sunshine on that beautiful Sunday in Newark, NJ.

Day 1 ~ Monday.

I arrive in normal Physical and Occupational therapy from 10-12 that morning...noticing that I'm not as nervous as I had expected for my first day with the Berkley Bionics team for Ekso. I then arrived upstairs to the oh so familiar 2nd floor in-patient therapy gym. I see all of my old therapists and some of my fellow friends who are still there as in-patients. The Ekso trial was blocked off in the middle by rolling white curtains, but with plenty of gaps for the curious to peek in. I was met by the reporter, more cameras and questions, and a new team of therapists. We went through the procedures of testing my strength, sensory, and motor abilities before transferring into the chair where my new opportunity, the Ekso, was lounging. Once I was strapped in and ready to go....they talked me through the "Stand".....counted 3..2..1..."standing"....and up I went with my two hands clutching the walker in front of me.

Wow....I looked out around me, feeling the elevation but also feeling the complete support of the entire room. My arms and shoulders were unnecessarily working to keep me up until the therapists instructed me to relax and find my balance point. Being a dancer, I have been able to keep some semblance of my body awareness despite not being able to feel my butt on the seat or my feet on the ground. Within minutes, they were letting go for quick spurts as I held myself balanced on my own feet using as little "arm" as possible. Next came the first steps.... My job, they tell me, is purely to stay at "home base" which is my balance point... and to weight shift right and forward, then left and forward. The "walking" is done by my Bionic legs and the epic push of the "Step" button (which in this model, is controlled by the therapists.) So there I was, about to take my first step....with a straight face and a calm heart...focused and determined to get the hang of this new thing. With each step, I was amazed by the movement....trying to process the multi-level experience of the moment. Yes of course it was awkward....yes of course it was nothing like feeling your own feet and muscled propelling you forward....but there I was walking toward my father and the many on-lookers in front of me...showing the world that nothing is impossible.

Before I continue on about the rest of the week....I want to mention this word..."impossible" because it has come up for me many times through my journey of recovery. I have come to realize that everything new can be felt as scary, exciting, or impossible. I recall laying in my bed at the Morristown hospital, being asked to sit up from being flat on my back....lifting my chin to sit.... and not going anywhere. "This is impossible" I thought to myself then....I remember also being asked to use a wooden board to transfer myself from my bed into a chair...."this is impossible" I thought once more. Then again...on my first day at Kessler, being asked to sit up on the mat with my feet on the floor while lifting both hands into the air in front of me...I just stared at my therapist with bug eyes and a big question mark for a brain as I thought to myself...."Could this really be possible!?" Well....so far, I have shown myself that Yes Laurie.... change and newness are scary and exciting....but Nothing is impossible..... =)

AND so....the saga continued...

Day 2 ~ Tuesday.
So they told me to wear leggings...and even though I am sitting in a chair....I wouldn't really just wear leggings if I were standing without a little skirt to cover up...so that's what I'm wearing today! The therapists chuckled telling me I am the first skirt to walk in the Ekso. =) They also inform me they were taking away the walker and giving me the arm crutches. Wow! Already? Ok....here we go... So, my first stand was with the walker as well as my first lap around before my arms slipped into the poles which extend my arms to root me down. I realized this immediately...even though I can't feel my feet rooted...these crutches are acting in the same way...I can feel the floor with some part of my body now. Finding my balance point with the crutches was even easier and I felt even more liberated just standing there. I'm noticing, however, every time that I stand how foreign I feel being at my standing height. Everyone feels too close to my personal space...and I feel like a giant! It took me time to realize how being in a wheelchair for just 4 months has created such a gap between me and everyone and everything around me. Things are hard to reach now....and carrying things requires a fine balancing act on my lap as I wheel myself around.....counters are too high....bending over hurts...and hugs are just not that satisfying unless you straddle me and sit on my lap! I miss those heart to heart squeezes!

Day 3 ~ Wednesday.

I had PT and OT again this morning and multiple breakthroughs before going upstairs to my third session with the Bionic team. In physical therapy, my legs and feet were bound with ace bandages to wooden boards placed as supports under my legs. With legs resting on a wheeling stool, I rolled over to the parallel bars and stood up on my own using my arm strength. As I stood there, I asked again..."Is this my normal height?"....Of course it is...but wow I am still in awe of how foreign I feel to be floating this high. The therapist working with me had me hop by lifting myself with the use of the bars to twist my feet side to side and then to move forward in the bars. With little to no assistance, I hopped back and forth the length of the bars 4 times...each hop getting smoother and more confident. This was the beginning of getting me into leg braces which may not be so high tech as those robotic legs, but they will get me up on my feet and using a walker to eventually propel myself on my own. Next, in Occupational therapy, I was on my third day of trying to hold myself in a wheelie for more than 10 seconds. Today was the day. I not only held the wheelie in a huge loaner chair for a minute, I was able to roll forward and turn myself around in quarter and half turns in a wheelie as well! Boy was I ready for day three....

Again, I wore my leggings and lil skirt outfit...gosh was I starting to feel like myself...back in some Laurie flair and up on my feet in the Ekso...my imagination running wild...eager to get my toes back in rhythm with the beats that are always running in my mind. Today they were ready to stand me up using the crutches...we were moving forward faster than I could have imagined. I was grateful that neither I nor the therapists had set a previous expectation for the trial...as far as I was concerned...every moment was creating magic and POSSIBILITY! Standing with the crutches was again, easier and more natural than I could have imagined for such a young version of the sleeker, even more graceful models to come. The triumphs of the morning gave me confidence and hope that again, I was only moving forward in my recovery and healing....one baby step at a time. On this day I called my own steps...something they hadn't done yet with the others in the trial...I was connecting my rhythms and intuiting when to step...all I had to do was speak with strength in my tone.....owning and controlling my walk. super cool.

Day 4 ~ Thursday.

Bright and early, my dad and I arrived at Kessler at 7:30 am...I was transferring out of the car and into my chair just as the sun was rising over those familiar trees that used to call to me from my room as an in-patient. I took a breath and soaked in the sun...feeling good to be early and further along in my journey since those days that prepared for for this moment. We started walking at 8:30 and I called my own steps again....finally feeling a smoothness and flow to the Bionic Robot. My body started to leave the hands of the therapist's guidance, meaning I was showing signs of becoming independent with the Ekso. At around 9 am we took a break for lunch and I had an uplifting conversation with a fellow paraplegic who was also participating as a "multiple" in the trial. He was telling me that after 2 years, he had never been told about a gym close by to our area where walking therapy is readily available. I am on my way this thursday to check the gym out myself....he was telling me how this has helped him to come out of the lowest depression he has ever experienced....how wonderful it is for me to have these things immediately after "going home."

On this day, things were really sinking in for me...I went to that same space I was in the night I fell and was lying there in the dirt in awe of those around me. I saw how every single person around me was an integral part of a bigger purpose...we all had something to offer to the other...some lesson..some thought...some _?__ that affects everyone else in a deep and profound way. It was a feeling of pure joy and love for the knowing of order that exist behind the scenes...that mystery that brings us to just the right place at the right time with the right people.

By 11:30 I was getting all wired up to be the first person in the Ekso to collect data for research. This was the first trial as Ekso will be traveling to other rehab centers and doing more collecting through December. I had sensors all over my legs to detect muscle activation...I had a pulse reader on my finger to determine changes in heart rate...I had camera markers that are normally used in film making to create a digitally animated movement from a real "live" movement, I had a video camera for the press strapped to my chest...and a room full of researchers, press, doctors, therapists, and my own father. We got up on the runway and I went through the tests which eventually recorded every step as I walked up and down. Each step was making history, I thought....and then one of the therapists asked me in a whisper..."Would you like me to get the full length mirror for you to see yourself?" I knew instantly how I would react to seeing myself...and said YES. I felt myself jump for joy and weep in amazement at the sight of myself all wired up in a robot...but still seeing through it all to my body standing up tall and just as perfect as could be. I walked the length of the runway to myself...feeling the tears well up in my eyes as I got closer and closer to my own reflection. The engineer stood next me in front of the mirror and said..."This is the most emotional I have seen you..." "Well," I said, "Its a different experience to seeing yourself in a mirror as opposed to a video."

And that was that. Soon I was back down in my chair wheeling towards my last video interview for the press feeling truly and utterly blessed to be me. I knew I would only continue to be asked about these kinds of trials...that this is technology that is going to change the word "Disabled."

I'll never say never. Instead, I'm keeping this memo posted in my head....

"Laurie...no matter how scary or impossible things may seem...you are safe...and you are allowed to stand up and step steadily along the path of limitless Possibility.

With Love and Gratitude....and more to come soon. My blessings to you all! Namaste~Laurie




Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Winds of Change


It's been months since I have brought myself to this blog. Partly because I was barely using my computer to type but mostly because I had no desire to write anything. I've been writing here and there in my journal, drawing, sculpting, playing music, and sharing with some during visits...but there isn't any other way to express the need for silence than to be silent....

So now I'm back here...allowing whatever comes to mind to pour out of my fingers to you. Here's whats on my mind...

Life has changed. I'm home now...adjusting to a whole world of "new" things. Of course there are the obvious changes resulting from my injury...but I am also living in a space that I have never lived in before. My family and I were planning on moving together....and I was not around for the transition. The "Jersey 5" (brother, sister, niece, nephew, and I) is now the Jersey 6 with my dad taking on a whole lot of NEW himself. There are days when I sit in silent awe of my family and how much they sacrifice...their ability to rise to any challenge. It would be complete lie for me to say that things are "All Good"....I have been experiencing daily challenges with my body mechanics, nerve pain, emotions, thoughts.....and creating my healing space. I am always always reminding myself to be patient with the timing of which things unfold. I honestly didn't think back in June that I would still be in a wheelchair come october...but then again, I had NO clue what it meant to have a spinal cord injury....I am and will continue to learn. On the flip of course....I have come an incredibly long way since the first time I sat up in bed over in the ICU....I no longer flop all over the place....though leaning forward is still scary....and I am doing more things on my own. All in all.....this is just the beginning of my healing journey.

I welcome change. Yes....change can be scary, upsetting, uncomfortable, painful even...but change is what evolves us. I cant imagine anyone ever deciding to transform via traumatic injury, divorce, bankruptcy, etc.....but when life creates emergency, it forces us to access our deeper intentions, desires, and creativity. Through this experience, I have received so much knowledge and perspective on living with disability. I am amazed by how bodies move with such grace and ease....and how un-easy and un-graceful I feel these days! I can barely sit up straight in my bed...I grunt and roll and fight with my legs just to turn over onto my sides throughout the night because if I don't, my skin could break down and develop a sore that takes months to heal. Yes. I still welcome change....and I am hoping that through sharing my journey and perspective, that I can prevent at least some of the pain and suffering of others. Life is boring when it is stagnant....it's unhealthy when your emotions bottle up...there's no romance when someone only loves you in one way....and when we resist change or try to control our lives and our environment...we end up getting slammed by tornados and tsunamis. So....only nature can tell us when....

I've changed. I've become silent to some....more open to others....outgoing and active in planning my fundraiser....yet silent and reclusive as I sit for hours creating art or meditating in my room. It has been a life challenge for me as I have always tried to live a life that leads others to believe that everything can be good, happy, flowery....etc....you all know what I mean here....but I feel it is important for everyone to know that no matter what...we are allowed to show our darker sides. I may not have chosen to show it completely, but my way of expression is not just through writing blogs. I am deciding to explore my gifts of creative expression so that I may come face to face with the shadows that teach us how to rise above...the shadows that inspire activism and passion. My dreams and success are hidden somewhere inside those shadows. I don't know many leaders in this world who have had a life of complete ease....many of us know what these shadows are and yet we avoid avoid Avoid! My wish is that we work on ourselves before we fall from grace....that we listen when our inner voice is yelling at us to turn the car around....that we learn to pause in the middle of reacting and take a deep breath....because breaking your ribs is a hard way to learn how to appreciate that divine gift that keeps us alive. Please my dearest human family....take the time to work on yourselves. We will never ever be happy just working on other peoples problems....your unhappiness and pain are no one else's fault ~ no one else can feel them except for you. It is our responsibility to create a healthy boundary for our self work....so please please please take the time to work with me....by finding everyday a time for yourself...to appreciate small blessings like showers, being able to pick up your child, cutting vegetables at the kitchen counter, having sore legs from Walking! These are all blessings...and there are infinite amounts surrounding you all the time when you awaken your awareness to them.

Yes....my changes have brought me into a sacred space. I honor this space and I am finding ways to bring myself into a new alignment with my higher purpose.

I have big dreams and I intend on fulfilling them....but I am learning to detach myself from the HOW's and simply trusting and asking that my commitment, actions, and consistent application to them will manifest the right people, places, and timing.

This I know......I am rising everyday....my body knows how to heal....(nerves/axons do re-grow no matter what the doctors say....but they take as long as hair...so I'm not cutting my hair for a while! =)).....I am healing and I am willing and open to sharing this journey with the world.

May we all find the truth....and fall like a leaf...with grace, acceptance....and the excitement of being recycled and re-birthed anew.

and finally.......

A Gigantic THANK YOU to everyone out there who has sent me mail, visited me, sent me silent prayers....etc! I have not been able to go through all of the envelopes but believe me I remember you all and continue to feel the blessing of finally seeing the potential healing power of community. The internet and facebook have been huge...I'll never knock the network again haha....we truly are an interconnected nervous system and our technology is only getting better. Just think.....next week....I'll be walking in robotic legs for 4 days during an "E-Legs" trial....they aren't even out on the market yet. What a privilege to be a part of history in the making.

My biggest and warmest wishes for a beautiful fall season...a time to recognize what we need to change in our lives...and take our leap of faith into the unknown mystery of transformation.

Fly with Freedom to Express Your Unique Self in Your Own Way......and know that Love flows with you no matter how hard the wind is blowing.

I love this world....hahhhhhhhhhhhhh ~ sigh ~........

Namaste~

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Here I Am




July 23, 2011

Here I am, end of week 3 in Rehabilitation. I am transferring everyday from wheelchair to bed, wheelchair to mats…stretching my legs, lifting weights, standing in a frame that holds me up, biking in a machine that stimulates my legs muscles to move, painting with an art therapist, talking with my fellow rehabilitators, laughing with the nurses, loving the therapists, and consistently working on Rising Up Laurie. “Laurie Lifting” as someone called it yesterday. =) There are many lessons to be learned through this experience….I’ve only touched upon the strength I am going to need to move through it all. Everyday I am shown hints into the extreme self work that is required in this moment of my life. Today, I will share a few…

  1. Most important right now…is my yearning for independence. This has been my challenge, my struggle, my complaint, my “blame game” on others…..the Fight for my independence. I realized in this past week that I always thought of independence as something that you accomplish with OUT the help of others. I believed that to be independent meant being alone, and getting there had to be a lonely journey. Well…being here in this situation…I am seeing very very clearly that in order to become independent again, I actually REQUIRE the help of a whole team of people…my family, friends, therapists, doctors…..and also paint, ukulele, pens and drawing pads….there are so many people and things around me to HELP me through this journey. I don’t HAVE to be alone…or achieve independence through a silent suffering. Yes, your life is your own…and Yes, every step is your step….but what about CO-Creating with my support ~ with my SELF!? I feel that everything and everyone in our surroundings is in some way a reflection of our consciousness and if I could just see and recognize that every person, place, or thing can be a tool or a lesson, then the flow of consciousness would be just that….a Flow…an ever-changing flow~ transformation.

  1. My transformation ~ Rebirth ~ This is a time when I am seeing myself in a whole new way…I can choose to feel incomplete and broken, or I can choose to see my whole self as perfect and complete~ as Puranpreet~ my spirit. Everyday I make strides in connecting back to my legs and my body. Everyday I struggle with the nerve pain, the discomfort in the spine, the temperature changes, the bathroom struggles and more. Yet all that is happening is putting me more in the moment than ever. The pain is a wake up call…it’s the call that cannot be ignored anymore. Complaints of discomfort and complaints of skin troubles…things that have been a vicious cycle for me since I was young. Now everything is amplified and I am finally ready for my whole and complete healing. I feel and know in my heart that this is a deep deep healing for me. Maybe it’s deep because these pains and beliefs are rooted in my early developmental years…or perhaps these are pains that I have carried for lifetimes. Either way, I am ready. God am I ready.

  1. I am an artist. I am a creator. I have been a fighter for my independence, my transformation and healing….but also for my passions in the arts. As an artist, I have always judged myself and convinced myself that those who love me don’t believe that I can make a living through my passions. I have held onto this kind of attitude….which sounds like this…. “I’ll show YOU, that I can be an artist, musician, dancer, vendor, hooper…etc…and still make enough money to make a living…I’ll even become rich!” This statement is coming from a very selfish and childish part of me that doesn’t feel good enough, smart enough, mature enough, FILL IN THE BLANK~ ENOUGH! Why? Well, because this is another core and deep belief I have acquired from my social environment and my own ways of protecting myself. “What are you protecting yourself from?” you may ask….Well…..My whole life I have held myself back from being the best…all the while believing that “I am the best at everything!” (another viscous cycle). It sort of goes like this in my head……If I don’t succeed, I might not be good enough, If I am not good enough, then others will not love me, and if others do not love me, then they are going to leave me, when they leave me, I will be alone, and if I am alone, I will be……well alone. Huh…wow. When I got there to the end of the sentence I had this moment of peace. You know why? Because I actually Love to be alone. =) hahahhahha It is when I am alone that I am most creative and connected to my spirit. It is when I am alone that I feel free and allowing of any emotion to surface and release. It is when I am alone that I take care of myself, cleanse myself, and affirm myself. When I am alone I dance my true dance, sing my heart out, and give myself the time to create whatever it is that is in my imagination. I love my imagination. I love my spirit. ALL I really want right now is my spirit to manifest in my physical body. I want to really live the life of spirit manifest here on earth. I know…I already am. But why do I feel this split so heavy!? I hear my inner voice loud and clear and I hear my mind and ego even louder sometimes! My challenge in this moment is to find that divine balance between the glory of collaboration with others and the glory of the self….it ends up being a dance. A tango. A divine partnering of yin and yang that ebs and flows and never stays in one place. Thereeee yaaaa gooooo. For me, it’s about allowing in “Divine Partnership.” This can be manifest in a Lot of ways…relationships with friends, family, and men…relationship with my self and my own masculine and feminine energies….relationship with nature and relationship with the world. Again…I see the image of a tree in my mind right now. Trees KNOW the balance. They live rooted in the earth and in the sky. They are strong and steady because of the challenge of the wind and rain. They are diverse and beautiful, in all different shapes and sizes and colors. They may seem like they aren’t doing much, but if you take the time to observe the same tree everyday….you will see magnificent changes, strength, and the divine balance of life, death, and rebirth. So so wise we could all be if we just respect the knowing of the tree! Ahhhhhh…….

Well……that’s why I am here. I am here to live through the biggest, hardest, and most beautiful transformation of my SELF. To bring my spirit down and through my body…into my legs and into the earth. MY mama earth…my dear dear dear mama earth whom I miss soo much right now. I yearn to be in her waters, her sands and dirt, hugging her branches, smelling her fragrance, listening to her creatures and songs on the wind. Wow, how incredibly special it is to be amongst the powerful goddess mother earth. How often I have taken it for granted and how often I have enjoyed her presence when I am Alone…awake and listening. It is here where I find my peace. Alone, in nature there is spirit. The divine partnership is “As above, so below.”

Here I am. Now I have found my peace in the “Here I am.”

I am

I am

I am. Sat Nam † Truth is my identity †




Saturday, July 9, 2011

Finding Strength


It's been one week since I moved in here to the Rehabilitation Center....one of the best in the country. I also have one of the top doctors specializing in spinal cord injury... he was Christopher Reeves' physician...woah! Every day since last saturday I have had 3 hours total of occupational therapy and physical therapy...in one i do things like balance in the sitting position or practice dressing, moving my legs, putting on shoes....thats the occupational stuff. Then I spend time strengthening my arms and abs....the abs don't even need any exercises..they are clinging together just trying to help me sit up. Every night and every morning I ache but every day I get stronger. Before this happened, I used my legs and feet sooo much...and the most arm workout I got was from lifting children =). Now is my time to strengthen my weakest points...the back muscles that have always been a complaint in my life...it's time to leave all that complaining behind and empower my body to finally grow and learn to lift me up! It's amazing the little things that we take for granted....I never knew how heavy my little legs were...or how special it is to be able to rub your feet and love them. I finally touched my foot for the first time 2 days ago.

This week has been so amazing. They started me right away doing things I really did not expect that I could do this soon. I was cranked up into a standing brace 3 times this week....a contraption that locks your knees and holds your butt in so that you are standing up! woooooaaaahhhhhh was that cool. First day I tried it I lasted 30 minutes without my blood pressure dropping, 2nd time i was in for 20 minutes...and yesterday!? I was in it for almost an hour PLUS the head of the recreation dept set me up to paint while I was up there....the room of therapists were amazed with my painting. haha....I was just being me though! ANd boy did that feel good! Every day I am closer to human again...you know those little things....like brushing my teeth next to the sink or putting my hair in pig tails...or decorating my room as I wheel around in the new chair. Oh yea...wheel chair class! the obstacles....the ramps, the doors, even the elevator...everything is now a new perspective.

I will never be the same Laurie I was....I am seeing strength building inside of me that never would have surfaced without this challenge. I cry at the little things and I am moved by beauty and strength and all of the love and support I am receiving. I still cannot thank everyone enough for the prayers and continuous thoughts and donations. My room is sooo beautiful with all of the gifts and colorful things. =) So Laurie.....

Just as I watch the trees hold strong and become stronger as the wind rustles their branches and leaves....so will I take on the challenge of the wind and rain to strengthen my core, my branches, my spirit and soul.

Rise up to the occasion! I invite you all to face something that you complain about or something that you know you should do but find every excuse in the world why you dont have to. Either way...the universe will always bring you where you need to be.

I am here! I am now...and I am finding my strength every day.

Strong, bold and brave....I AM I AM

LOOOOOVE to you all ! =) Sat Nam

Thursday, June 30, 2011

I feel...feelings...


In the last week, I have been through a variety of feelings....

First of all, my legs are feeling dense...extreme pins and needles...electric pulses...and jumpin at their own leisure. It has been interesting trying to figure out how to explain how this experience feeeeels! At first, I had energetic legs...they were there but they felt as though they were stuck in a certain position...which was different from where they actually were. I began feeling the vibrations as music and energy workers were around me. My aura was and still is very much alive in order to compensate for the loss....this is sort of a dream come true for me as I have always wondered what it would be like to be so sensitive to the energetic space that exists around, within, and between all things and beings. People would wiggle their fingers above my legs or wave their hand past my foot and I would feel it like a wave or a tickle passing through me....a very intense sensation. Then the electric pulses started...I could literally see in my minds eye what the nerves would look like inside my legs if I were to shrink down and walk through them....like little root systems lighting and firing in bright neon blue bursts down my leg. I'm now feeling like I said....not only nerves but mass...it's like a density that wasn't there before. I can feel the outline of my calves but I still can't feel the surface skin touch. I'm working from the inside out~

how cool is this? This is by far the hardest and most challenging experience thus far in my life...but it's taking me on a fascinating journey already. Tomorrow I leave for rehabilitation...a transition that I am now feeling ready for.

I've been surrounded by so many that love me...and I've had lots of moments to share with those I have not seen in years. I want everyone to know how grateful I really am for all of this. I had realized only a week or so before this incident, that I had been blocking a great capacity of love into my life...and boy did I cry for at least an hour when I had that breakthrough.....well woah! here I am receiving more love than I could possibly ask for.

But more on feelings....I am for the most part taking this whole thing really well...but I am really challenged as I learn to express myself in all the facets of emotional being. When I need something, I have to advocate and speak up...and sometimes you have to repeat yourself or access your anger so that the doctors will finally hear you or respond to your question. The most apparent though....are my fears and my grief and sadness. When I am pushing myself to sit up in the brace that hurts my back soooo much to be in...looking at the wheelchair...breathing...keeping myself steady...as I look at my feet on the ground...I am holding in the extreme emotion of not being able to feel them there. I am scared when my body leans forward...I feel as though I am going to fall over and I have no control over my lower half yet. The first time I wheeled around in the chair was earlier this week....and I was soooo overcome with joy that I was crying....it really is an overwhelming experience. I wheeled all the way downstairs and out the front door...when the sun hit my face, my whole body said "yes." Then I made it across the street to a picnic area and got right up to a small tree in the center of a gravel circle. This is when I really let go....I was saving it and staying strong so that I could release in a moment of extreme gratitude for such a simple thing as going outside and touching the leaves of a tree again.

The lessons will continue to pour in as I maneuver my way down this path. I will be physically challenged more than I ever have been...and it's time. It's time to go deeper within myself...move forward...and really heal on so many levels.

So let's get to it then.

Much love to you all ~ my website will be up and accepting donations this week...keep checking in. I love you all and many blessings to you. Sat Nam ~ Namaste

www.Riseuplaurie.com

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Let the Vibe Resonate






Every morning a nurse wakes me up at around 6 or 6 30 for vital check....that's where they take my blood pressure, temp, and blood oxygen level....and then again around 7 30 to talk to some surgeons or doctors. I'm sort of amazed at how much I chat after being in a deep sleep. I take this time in the morning to connect with the doctors and nurses...I explain as much as I can about the many different sensations I feel throughout the day, exactly where the pain is, and how I have used vibrations to help me monitor or experiment with both. So far, I can feel that I have really turned some heads in this hospital. The comment when they enter my room...."wow this is not like the rest of the hospital".....I have not yet had any kind of negative response...whoo hoo.

What's sort of funny is that before this occurred, I had some trouble advocating for myself, or a topic I felt passionate about, in a way that was rooted in truth and confidence. Now, whenever a nurse or doctor enters the room...I can't shut up about the amazing results I am getting from the various therapies I am receiving....mainly with vibrations and music. My vocabulary, my voice, my tone....everything has changed since I entered the Morristown hospital. I am confident, willing, and excited to learn more about myself, the body, and how to heal on multiple levels. My room surrounds me with beautiful objects...crystals, paintings, sacred geometry designs, star gazer lilies, a live plant, a pineapple, and lots of love from the many visitors and healers that have entered. I'm eating raw, organic and live foods, and spending quality time with my people who I have very deep love for. It really feels just like my own room would. I give so much thanks for the people who have done that for me. I honestly am not sure how high my spirit would be without all of the support. Thank you.

Soooo.....my lower half!! It's still there and I'm connected with it, I just can't get it to move yet. Through this loss....I have gained a new muscle...which is being EXtremely sensitive to energy. I can feel inside my legs and hips....electrical impulses, swirling sensations...hot, cold, numb, sharp...all different reactions to how I am sitting, who is near me, what is happening around me, what crystal is on me, what vibration is occurring, what am I looking at! Like I mentioned, music and vibrations have been detrimental....I cannot go a day without something vibrational. So far, I have felt my legs become lighter, very warm, and sometimes like little fingers are tickling me on the inside. I have a drum from Mexico, a Tibetan singing bowl, my ukulele, and my dear dear friend who plays guitar and mandolin, who visits almost daily...and when my dad brings his guitar, the JAM is ON. I've been blessed to be able to jam on my uke with my friend who plays the bodhran and drums, and to also have an old school keyboard at my feet being played by my first serious boyfriend. It is AMAZING to me to feel music/vibration in this way. A completely different way of perceiving has been given to me as I have temporarily lost the ability to move with the music. The drum warms my whole body, the uke sends signals from my heart down my legs, the mandolin tickles me inside.....and more....wow.

I feel there are so many things I am learning and will take with me when I enter into the Kessler rehabilitation center next Friday. The fact that 2 doctors now come to my room specifically to absorb more info and experience with the singing bowl and crystals is a huge success. The staff here truly is wonderful and open...I am so grateful to be here now. I am stronger every day and have not stopped accepting what is present for me. My yoga practice kicked in immediately when I fell...I lay there in the dirt pretty scared and upset about dancing =)....and yet I was able to work through this swiftly by breathing deeply and saying...OK I accept. Let's do this. My ride in the helicopter was interesting...I lay there breathing, closing my eyes, and without even trying, just watching myself dance....I breathed in and out and repeated to myself, "I will feel, I will feel...I feel I feeel!" Breathing, affirming, and accepting....beautiful lessons and practices to have with you before something like this.....and sometimes you have to fall hard to be put into a place where you will evolve even more. I'm feeling the rise....I am on the rise and I have an amazing team of interconnected loved ones who I feel are on the rise with me now. Soo in love with this feeling....Community can form in one moment through a crisis. This is a world-wide lesson we are receiving right now through these harsh times....but the crisis is what precedes transformation and creates a priority to ACT Now. sighhhh. Big stuff going on within me....but also within the world. For now, I am able to experiment and experience all of the many things I have been studying and practicing in order to really heal myself. I have talked a lot in this blog about my yearning to heal and heal others.....always knowing that in order to reach out, you must first reach inside and become whole and healed yourself.

I am Happy. I am Healed. I am Whole. I am.


Namaste everyone. Keep that love coming. Intention and prayers are what matter the most and what will ultimately create the rise we are all looking for inside ourselves. Riiiiiiise up. Resonate~Blessssings. So many blessings. Love.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Rise Up Rainbow Roots



Rise Up

Blessings! My name is Laurie Kammer and I am currently recovering from a fall out of a tree that has left me paralyzed from my belly button down. Every day has brought both challenges and opportunities my way as I learn how to adapt to this state of being. I have received so much support already from friends and family and for this I am overwhelmingly grateful. When I fell I was completely conscious …the slow motion, the thoughts, the purple pop of light when I hit and broke my spine, and the instant realization that I will not be able to dance if I cannot move my legs. As help came, I fell deeply in love with everyone around me and was in a state of awe as I observed my rescuers being of service to me…something I had never really experienced before…I even smiled as I was lifted into the helicopter. In the hospital, I am still ever so in love with the warm and nurturing staff. I am receiving Holistic recovery including acupuncture, bodywork, crystal and energy medicine, and most important to my legs, music and vibrational therapy. Some of these healing modalities come from the hospital and some come through those amazing family and friends I have. When I leave the hospital and enter into rehabilitation, I will begin to face many new challenges. The rest of this story is unknown…How long will I be there? In what state will I leave there? One thing I do know is the financial burden I am currently dealing with is one that I cannot face alone. My support group is doing all they can to raise awareness as they begin to collaborate and create fundraising events. In my honor, these events will include the things I am most passionate about…art, dance, music, community, and healing through LOVE. I thank you all in advance for the donations and creative collaborations that mean so much to me. I hear and feel your prayers. I accept this challenge as I plant a new seed within me to find strength in my own inner tree. With so much love and a great big smile, Thank You and Namaste!

-Laurie Kammer- June 23, 2011

Monday, May 23, 2011

release release release

These last few months have been full of intensity....on all levels of self. I've experienced the worst pain, extreme fear, mental fog, and neglected my priorities....while also experiencing new friends, new ideas, powerful healing sessions, incredible breakthroughs in conversations, new opportunities, and new love. Life is so full of change right now....it literally feels like the tornadoes and thunderstorms are a reflection of this consciousness. Today I received a wonderful healing treatment with a cranio and myofascial body worker who also does reiki/energy work. She was able to help me work through the parts of my body that hold onto fear from my past that is still being triggered and worries that don't belong to me. Rather than lying there and just receiving, I felt I was an active part in my own healing which is something I have been waiting for. Our bodies hold emotions in every cell....they don't forget...they don't understand that we've grown up and no longer require them. What I cleared out of my stomach today had more to do with my 5 year old self....but recent situations were triggering these old fears. I am so grateful for these healers that have been a part of my life in this last year. It is so so so rewarding to finally feel free to express myself and to be heard from a deeper place. I am working so hard to move forward for myself, my family, and the world. Now is such a crucial moment in our evolution!

I embrace the seeds of change coming into my life right now....it's time to move ~ to create space for new beginnings ~ to release my fear and worry ~ and to truly step into action as I live from my authentic truth. Truth is my identity~ Sat Nam

I am grateful to my body for protecting me and for being to my vessel to align with my higher self. As I stood in tree pose today, I thought about rooting UP as well as down....and I felt my whole nervous system tingle just like the fine root systems that they are. We are all avatars !

Here is a blessing I was given today....I am glad to share this part with you.

So, In this time of great change, the knowing is replacing the emotional worry.....I have a great life. I live, I love, I enjoy. I am blessed.

Blessings to you all. Love and light ~ Loooooooooooooove is here

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Create Yourself


Today I began an 8 week course called "Create Yourself" from the lovely Laura Hollick (my new hero)....the intent of the program is to create a union between the inner and outer worlds. First thing was her definition of the soul's purpose: to be the full embodied expression of your spirit on earth. very simple. We then went through some "soul art" exercises to find our inner essence, life's challenge, and our Iconic Trait. This process was so insightful for me and although it may sound simple or woo wooooooo....I'm all over it and very excited to have new clarity in my self from just one class. Laura is a leader in showing others how to live authentic, abundant lives...and is one of many who are advocates for the new paradigm of life on earth. I feel we are moving into a time where we have to express our soul purpose more than ever...rather than attaching to our job label or marital status...we need to show up to what we are really here to do. I loved being able to get to the foundation of my energy today....and to step into a new and powerful piece of my self. Through this course I'll be going deep into my creative expression and connecting that to my outer world...shifting my passion into my life's work and creating abundance from that. whoo hooo ~ excitement~

This is what I learned about myself today....

My inner essence: creative, radiant, joyful, universal love ~ symbolized by a spiral-sun like design
+
My life challenge: fear of expressing my truth, feelings, knowledge... ~ symbolized by a jagged zig-zaggy line in a box
+
My ability to move through my life's challenge with my inner essence: TRUSTing my self and my truth
=
My Iconic Trait: An advocate of creative self-expression

Really, in the last few months I have become much more open in expressing the things I am so passionate about...starting with this blog. THe 21 day challenge of yoga, meditation and blogging brought my inner world to the outer...I had to balance my (inner) search with (outer) sharing. I've also been more confident in myself as I sing my songs, write little poems, or lead music together classes with the little ones. This creative journey is also fulfilling the art therapy I was craving...I'm sure all the boxes of feathers, markers, and paints will be returning to my life soon.

My intention for this course....
I trust in my creative self and I am fully expressing my truth

Namaste and blessings everyone. Love love love love love

Monday, April 25, 2011

2011: Year of Illumination



My brother shared this video with me....and I invite you to please take 14 minutes of your time to watch....

I sat for the first 5 minutes with chills all over my body, mesmerized by the affirming words that spoke directly to my spirit. I've written in previous blogs about the importance of listening to the voice within...and allowing that self to show up and live authentically in purpose. I've received so much information that has often made me feel like an outcast....talking about conscious evolution, co-creation, and the shift we are experiencing energetically as a whole....and yet there are always moments to shine light on my truth. Thank you!

It's time to wake up and I'm open to all of the love and abundance the universe has to offer.

Love, light and blessings to you all. oh shanti shanti shanti <3 Namaste


and PS ~ those three months of big change? March, August, and November(?)....they're all the MERCURY RETROGRADES.....go figure.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

mercury finally goes direct....


For the last month, I haven't shut up about the planet Mercury being retrograde......and although many people say it's silly to believe that the planets' placement in the sky could affect life on earth...I'm a believer that they do indeeed. I've heard from various people and places about what Mercury retrograde means energetically...things like traffic jams, car troubles, technical difficulties, never to start anything new or buy anything that has to do with communication....don't travel...blah blah. So....I was kinda skeptical until this last month when Mercury was retrograde from March 30th - Today April 23rd, when so many things that had to do with these very things were happening to my family, friends, and myself. Last night I decided to look it up and found some even more fascinating information about the energies that have been affecting us, specifically in this past month.
Here's some of what I found...

** The purpose of Mercury retrograde is to review and revise our life and our connection with reality.

**The situations of trading places and experiencing major transitions occur and become a major course correction beginning with the Mercury Retrograde on March 30th and continue through April 23, 2011.

**When Mercury retrogrades, we find that many parts of our life are being revised. Often these revisions can be a surprise or throw us back a step. However, these revisions which occur during a Mercury retrograde, are a "course correction" and provide a stop gap measure until we can review situations. We are changing and adjusting our thinking and thought process regarding the activities that we are involved in.

**This Mercury retrograde provides the opportunity to adjust our thoughts, attitudes and communications about our direction. We will move our true self into the directions that are the appropriate reflection of the true self.

What really got me was the fact that during this past month, I completely revised my plan for the coming year...without knowing any of this info. I finally accepted things that I was feeling. I felt a huge sigh of relief as I let go of my ego and saw myself with more clarity of purpose. I love how sometimes I doubt my intuition...my choices...but the universe never fails to either affirm me or put me back on my path. I also love that last line which speaks to the "true self." The last month has thrown some really cool opportunities my way...reconnecting me with a bunch of people I love...and experiencing life with new sense of fullness. I'm done complaining about Mercury Retrograde...instead I am grateful for it...because I feel that the shifts occurring in my life are definitely moving me towards my truth. All I can say is I am open and ready...

Happy Mercury goes Direct day everyone...now that we've gone through this period of reflection, we can move forward with the right actions for our highest self and purpose. Namaste. Love ~

Friday, April 22, 2011

love her



I yearn to see more of the world I live in. I am inspired by the mystery of the earth and her creatures. I am curious of what lies down deeep in the earth's oceans...and what lies beyond the stars in the sky. I love lying face down in the grass...I love hugging trees...I love singing to turtles....I love playing with sand crabs at the beach...I love the multi-sensory experience of flowers...I love feathers...I love kale and kittens, and I looooove honey. Our earth is golden, just like honey. She's sensual, nurturing, and powerful. She knows how to heal herself. She breaths, she cries, she gets angry, she smiles, she laughs, she shivers, she even sneezes. =)

Today when I did a 30 minute hatha yoga class online, I held a visualization of the earth within my heart, with a golden glow around her. I felt that with every breath and every pose I was helping the earth to glow. I visualized myself at the ocean shore...my hands reaching into the water, sending light out to flow and cleanse and purify. And I felt that even with all of the change and shifts going on...I cannot help but feel a strong sense of hope for our planet. Maybe I'm just super optimistic...but I believe in our evolution and it drives me to find more consciousness in myself. I may not be living all of what I preach, but I'm committed to helping our earth find it's balance....baby steps. I agree with conscious evolutionary Barbara Marx Hubbard that we are on the brink of a new birth as a planet...and we are about to open our eyes for the first time, just like a pure and beautiful newborn. The best I can do now is preach and pray....=) and if you read my blog, you know by now that I'm quite the ramblin blabber....but preacher feels better to say!

The songs I write are my drive and my commitment to myself and my earth...

Let's ecolutionize the world with our eco-seeing eyes....cuz we are all a cycle, spinning spinning spinning round... love the earth like she's our mother. you gotta love her love her love her

LOOOOOOOVVVVVEEEEE ya's ~ SAT NAMmmmmmmmmmm

Friday, April 15, 2011

Bridges to Dreams


I'm a full on dreamer...especially as the moon becomes full, my night is also full of dreams. This morning I woke up quite unsure of what was real....and sometimes I'm convinced it's the dream world =) (you know like in the movie, Avatar?...I've totally had those experiences...) ANyways.. last night I dreamt about bridges. In one dream, I was crossing a very long, solid, wooden bridge at night in a city with my girl friends from high school and childhood. In the next dream I was following a friend of mine who was playing guitar...he led me down a cliff and onto a bridge of rocks over water...I was shocked that he didn't fall...and I walked on with steady feet. The scene around me was vibrant...sooo green....you know how right after it rains and it's all misty, and the colors are just popping out? Yea. Then we got to another bridge...it dipped down in the center and a crowd of people were there watching others go out onto it. I walked across and then watched as a guy in a bicycling outfit hopped onto the bridge and proceeded to jump up and down, showing off that he was not going to fall in. Hmmmmmm.....I knew bridges in dreams would represent transitions...and this is what the "dream dictionary" said about some of the details....

Bridge
To dream that you are crossing a bridge, signifies an important decision or a critical junction in your life. This decision will prove to be a positive change filled with prosperity and wealth in the horizon. Bridges represent a transitional period in your life where you will be moving on to a new stage. If the bridge is over water, then it suggests that your transition will be an emotional one. If you fall off the bridge and into the water, then the dream indicates that you are letting your emotions hold you back and prevent you from moving forward. Alternatively, the bridge may indicate that you are trying to "bridge" or connect two things together.
Cliff
To dream that you are standing at the edge of a cliff, indicates that you have reached an increased level of understanding, new awareness, and a fresh point of view. You have reached a critical point in your life and cannot risk losing control. Alternatively, it suggests that you are pondering a life-altering decision.

Rocks
To see a rock in your dream, symbolizes strength, permanence, stability and integrity, as conveyed in the common phrase "as solid as a rock". The dream may also indicate that you are making a commitment to a relationship or that you are contemplating some changes in your life that will lay the groundwork for a more solid foundation.
To dream that you are climbing a rock, signifies your determination, ambition and struggle.
Night
To have a dream that takes place at night, represents some major setbacks and obstacles in achieving your goals. You are being faced with an issue that is not so clear cut. Perhaps, you should put the issues aside so you can clear your head and come back to it later. Alternatively, night may be synonymous with death, rebirth, reflection, and new beginnings.
City
To see a city in your dream, signifies your social environment and sense of community. If you dream of a big city, then it suggests that you need to develop closer ties and relationships. You are feeling alienated and alone.
Green
Green signifies a positive change, good health, growth, fertility, healing, hope, vigor, vitality, peace, and serenity. The appearance of the color may also be a way of telling you to "go ahead". Alternatively, green is a metaphor for a lack of experience in some task

Nature
To dream of nature, denotes freedom, tranquility, restoration, and renewal. You are utilizing your instinctual nature.


Ok, so all of these have to do with the fact that my life is going through some crazy transformations right now...I've had to face setbacks in school plans, I've decided to reach out to more of my friends and in fact just had a wonderful and long conversation with one of my best.... and I feel that ultimately- my decisions will lead me to a more peaceful place as long as I continue to follow my heart. Alllright!

Goooood night...blessings ~ Sat Nam!


Thursday, April 14, 2011

Subject to Change



I've been feeling this undercurrent of unease for about 2 months in regards to my plans for the upcoming year. I'm in my third and last online psychology pre-req. class for an art therapy program at a grad school across the country of which I'm halfway through the application....and yet I've been unmotivated to complete it. When I found the school last year, I had so many reasons why it was perfect for me. ~I will be with like minded people... the location and program is special and geared towards spirituality and evolving consciousness... I will finally separate myself from everything I knew or was comfortable with...forcing me to be "grow up" and be independent. I yearned for a place where I could find out who I truly am, have access to great healers, amazing nature, and continue to build on top of my sculpture and visual arts bachelors degree....create create create. I thought I had found it...but while I'm still feeling grad school...I'm not feeling the same impulse to be across the country. I'm also not feeling that visual arts therapy is the ONLY program....instead, that I'm too multi-faceted to settle for one modality. WOw, my ego was fighting this for a while... saying things like "this is the school you chose, now you have to go" "you already visited, they love you, you are practically in" ~ blah blah

Here's what I'm feeling now..... I've spent a considerable amount of time getting to know my self, and well, that journey never ever ends! I'm already surrounded by healers, and now most of them are my friends. I've created the boundaries I was trying to create without having to move far away. I am living with like minded people and they happen to be my family and my best friends~While I'm sure they are delighted that I would like to stay with them, they are also the MOST supportive of making sure I am doing whatever is right for me, even if it means moving to another country. As for amazing nature...it's everywhere....and I REAAlllly want to travel, so why not save my money and go on some of the trips I've been dreaming of?

Yes I am an artist, I create with whatever is around me...but when it comes to healing, I'm not sure art is the only way to go. I pull spontaneously from so many...whether its music, tap dance, yoga, hula hoops, or puppets....I feel like having access to all the possibilities is more my style. Yes there is an expressive arts therapy program that I may apply to, but ultimately, I'm not sure a specialized program is the right way to go. ~ I can say that I feel so much better knowing that all things are always subject to change, that options come and go, and everything happens in divine right time. I'm glad to know there was a reason I was feeling unease...and to finally accept it and move forward feels so good. I'm not even concerned with how long it will take to actually get a degree, as long as I'm following my gut instead of my ego.

So the new plan? My new choice? Stick around, and apply for a part time masters program in mental health counseling at some kick ass schools. I've finally moved on from feeling too stupid to get into one of those big time schools like NYU. I know that as I go through the process of therapy myself, I will naturally figure out how I am going to do this work.....THEN I can go get specialized in the areas I want. ~ I'm pretty surprised overall at how I'm taking this...but it feels right and I'm confident that the right place, right people, and the right school will all show up at exactly the right time (as long as I apply myself!)

My dreams have been telling me for a while....I better start trusting myself more =) And as my dance teacher used to say when choreographing a routine....."This is Subject to Change." Yaaa.....everything is....and that's a beautiful thing. ~ Sat Nam