Tuesday, December 13, 2011
The "C" word...
Commitment....that's a big word for me.
It has taken me years of soul searching, reading self-help books, attending workshops, and many insightful conversations with those who love me...just to start getting clear on the things that are blocking me from my Self.
One of those "things" is that big C word.
It's not that I have a problem committing to other people....that's actually very easy for me to do. You want me in your life? You need something from me? SURE! I'm there for you, in fact, you can control my life all you want because that not only makes things easier for me....it makes me feel good. This has been my pattern...and it's not serving me at all anymore.
Of course this pattern isn't all bad because it's simply a behavior I needed to develop as a way to protect myself when I was younger. I feel and know in my heart that a lot of our adult "issues" or "blocks" come from our childhood environment....family, friends, school, media, the babysitter, the babysitter's dog.....etc....EVERYTHING affects us ALL the time...like Feng Shui....which is translated into "wind and water"....ever-changing, ever-flowing...and sweetly pervasive aspects of our true and natural composition. I'm basing this on the now-proven fact that everything in existence is energy...that creator and creation are ONE whole - ultimately inter-connected on a subatomic "subtle" level.
Most of us are too busy, distracted, and wrapped up in the clockwork of everyday thoughts and happenings to recognize this. I know....because that was - and in a way, still is - me. Yup, for sure... I'm still partly dwelling in that old way of being. The up-side is that, I see how we have the ability to get through these "issues and blocks" the moment we slow down enough to develop the awareness needed to address them. Sometimes it takes a life-changing event like becoming paralyzed...or maybe it comes from a scene in a movie, a passage in a book, or an emotionally charged fight with a family member to catalyze your "growth" muscles. Whatever the catalyst, and however, whenever it comes for you....it's just the right time, place, and person.
SO back to that "C" word....Commitment.
I've avoided that word in regards to my own self-development. I somehow grew up not knowing how to nurture my body, honor my gifts, budget my finances, stand up for my beliefs or truths, etc...(it's a long list). I was afraid to ask for "me" time. Instead- I would allow the time to pass and the emotions to boil up inside me until like a little 5 year old throwing a fit (or a rebellious teenager), I'd take my time or run away in a desperate search for the "ME" that I was yearning to find, hold and honor. In a way, I'm feeling that I had lost a part of my soul so long ago that I've spent my life feeling lost and alone - lacking clarity, and the strength to ask those around me for help. Instead?? It's so much easier for me to ask those around me how I could serve them...help them...save them from losing themselves in the way that I had. I know that many of you can relate to this in some way. Giving to others feels wonderful! Giving is a beautiful part of relationships...but how can we give when our vessels are empty?? What's left to give?
Slowing down......actually being forced to slow down....has been a gigantic part of my healing. Yes, I'm in a wheelchair and for how long I can not say. Yes, I am currently paralyzed...and again, who knows how long this will last. Every day I record in a log; my pain level, my meals, my challenges and achievements, my therapies, my moods....and it's through this process that I am able to see the slow and steady growth and transformation that is occurring. Key words being SLOW and STEADY. Becoming conscious of your own ability to change creates a practice that I will be working on for the rest of my life. It's the practice of becoming the co-creator of my life. Being active in the process of how my life manifests itself by developing the ability to choose what thoughts and beliefs are serving me. I can either evolve them further or drop them completely....oh boy, what a practice.
Whenever we let go of a deeply ingrained belief system....we put ourselves into the grieving process. Our bodies, minds, and emotions, have been operating with these systems for so long that we are falsely identifying ourselves through them. I'm finding that with every discovery and letting go I am more and more free to express my truth and to share that with others. Of course I have years of protecting layers to sift through....which ones serve me...which ones don't...the process is long and grueling and it's hard work! No wonder I've been avoiding it... I know that I desperately wanted to change...but it was so much easier not to.
I thought I was free.....I thought this because I was single and somehow that meant I was more committed to myself. Now I see that the true freedom comes through being truthful with yourself, and growing the confidence to safely express that truth to everyone. In fact, being in relationships with others has helped me grow more into my truth! I see now that I wasn't free....I was terrified. Terrified of showing others who I really was inside for fear of losing even more of myself or worse...losing them. The fears began to pile up...one fear led to another...an endless chain of paralyzing fears...creating more and more walls between me and everyone that loved me.
I sit here now....with aching, burning, stabbing, tense, and tight sensations running through my lower body. I call this day my "Day 2"....of my 3-day nerve pain/feelings cycle that I have finally tracked down. It's days like this that create feelings of frustration with my beautiful body. My body that is made of the same stuff the earth is made of....the same energy that flowers, bees, trees, and all of my beautiful family and friends are made of. Like I said.....the practice will be a life-long endeavor....towards allowing my emotions to move through me rather than build up and control me....
I suppose that is all for now. Again....this blog is yet another tool and piece of my therapeutic journey. Can we call it Blog Therapy? Cuz it realllly does help. To be able to sit down and channel my own thoughts and feelings for myself....hearing these words for the first time as they are also being shared with those in my support system. Thank you dearly everyone. Thank you Blog Gods.
Namaste and Blessings!