Tuesday, April 28, 2015

The Journey continues

What if we erased all of our thoughts about the world....what if we absolutely cleaned the slate of our past....our story....what if we pressed the restart button.....what would be the first thing we decided to plant into that vast space?

This topic intrigues me. I used to think I had the perfect way to be.....I was doing the vegetarian thing....eating right, no more drinking, thinking positive thoughts, and reading all the best books. There have been many times in my life where I thought I had the answers....I thought I was aware. But maybe the real perceptions were being blocked out because I was just hanging out in my head all that time....thinking about how good I was doing according to the latest research or trends in the hippie/activist/artist (don't know exactly what to call it) culture.

It's been one hell of a journey....and I'm seeing the dots connect....I'm feeling more compassion for those steps that were taken from that place of showing off and being special and needing attention. I'm noticing where all these steps eventually have taken me....and although it was a very bumpy road....I've noticed I'm finally landing in my heart. I didn't realize that being grounded could feel so loving. I used to think that grounding myself meant I had to be more logical and sensical about things....like I needed to be really good with numbers and stop being such an artist all the time. It's so interesting that this new feeling of groundedness has been a heart awakening....and that I've taken all of the attention off of it being so serious. Who knew that you could be totally expanded and also grounded!?

I see that my journey is about learning to use discernment....to speak up....to stand up!.....to be me.....to listen more.....to laugh more.....to cry more.....to feel.....to steer my own ship....and do it deliberately.....this journey leads me beyond the limitations of my disability....through the challenges....which still come my way!!!.....and into a loving path of consciousness work.

I see that this is really what I wanted for so long....and most of the reason I felt so lost in life while growing up. There is this part of us that somehow knows that we are bigger or maybe just a part of something bigger than what we can perceive. That is what lights me up inside. That there is purpose for life... for my life....and for that beautiful connection that comes when we interact as "me" and as "you" ~ minus those labels.

I've also noticed that the world is ready for more of this. I feel as I speak with people throughout my days that just sharing a connection is more valuable than anything....we all want to be able to care for others and feel cared for. In fact, just yesterday I was rolling toward a door to a restaurant...and right as I was swinging it open a young man was coming toward me to get it but quickly saw that I had it just fine....he was sort of shy about telling me he wanted to get the door because I could feel he didn't want me to take it in a wrong way. He said "of course you had it...." and we shared this very sweet moment of gratitude as I thanked him for the kindness and said to him how I have learned to really start appreciating help as it comes.

While I was in the bathroom after that moment (the best place for personal realizations hahah) I realized that my experience of being in a wheelchair has brought sooooo many moments like this one. I have gotten to see the kindness in people more than usual....I see how much people care about you even if it is only in the way they look at you. Perhaps in the beginning I was so self conscious about being in a chair that I took it as sympathy or fear in their eyes.....but now I can see the genuine love and care that humans share for other humans. We see ourselves in each other.....we learn more about ourselves as we let in moments like these. Humans get a bad rap sometimes...but we aren't that bad are we? ...... it really does depend on how you look at it I suppose.

For me....it's been a journey....one of care and kindness and compassion. I've seen through a lot of the mind stuff and I've continued to explore the creations of my life from this space of curiosity. Always feeling excited about not really knowing.... yet having the amazing power as a creator to be able to DECIDE what I wish to tell myself about the story of my life.....what I wish to believe about the direction my life is headed....and how I feel at any given moment.

Like I said, a journey....and I'm so grateful for the Avatar tools to be able to speed up the process of integration so that I can be more available to others. The more I integrate in my space...the more wide open space for others to step into and explore their own lives.....and the more compassion and forgiveness I feel about myself....the more I can understand and be present with others who are struggling to forgive themselves. Gifts of integration.

What a life.

Is it possible to feel so grateful you could explode? I think so.....

Namaste my loved ones.  Love Laurie ~ More pictures below of me and my sweet Zephyr kitty

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