You told me there was nothing I could do to make you stop loving me....I didn’t let it in.
You said you’d always be there for me....I didn’t believe you.
You told me you cared....I took it for granted.
You told me I was beautiful....I scoffed.
You told me I was useful and beneficial.....I denied it.
You told me I could be anything I wanted to be....I challenged you.
You told me I was fine the way I am....I wanted more.
You gave me time, patience, love, and care.....I ignored it, I ran away.
You told me everything was simpler than it seemed.... I made it more complex.
You were honest about your feelings.....I lied about mine.
You called and stayed connected.....I rebelled, shut down, and turned off.
You worried about me.....I made your worry wrong.
You stood by me in my most painful hours.....I still forget to thank you every day for that.
You became my everything..... I punished you for giving it all away.
You gave me advice.....I bashed it.
You told me you were proud of my accomplishments.....I was ungrateful.
You gave to me....I tainted your gift with guilt.
You loved....I made it an expectation with conditions.
You acknowledged my power.....I profaned it....
What I didn’t say.....was how much your love means to me.
What I didn’t tell you....was why I was afraid.
What I didn’t let you know....was that I didn’t know the answers.
What I couldn’t let you see....was how much I needed you.
What I had to keep hidden from you....was that I felt completely inadequate in comparison.
What I didn’t want to reveal....was how badly I wanted to be by your side.
What you couldn’t possibly have understood...was why I wanted to leave.
What I truly felt and couldn’t express....was how much I needed your support.
What I kept secret from you.....was that I was terrified to lose you.
I am sorry.
For my reactions, my behaviors, and most of all my lack of reverence for you as a sacred being, I am deeply and truly sorry. I own my mistakes, my projections, my mis- and non-actions. I fell out of alignment with you but most of all, with myself. I’d like to give you my best self from here on....and with a remorseful heart, I thank you for teaching me so many beautiful lessons that have ultimately led me to hold all life as special and unique. You may feel I am full of it...full of “woo-woo”....or even part of a cult....but this comes from my honest and vulnerable heart. I cry tears of gratitude, remorse, and joy. I am finally feeling life. Every day still seems to keep expanding in ways I never thought that it could...and it all comes from within myself.
I’ve learned how to forgive myself, surrender judgement, and that I cannot make anyone change to my standards..nor can anyone else make me. It’s all up to me. Learning personal responsibility has been one of the most challenging and awesome tasks. But I tell you....I’m up for the challenge...I’m up for it because, for all the times I never said I was sorry, I have paid a price. For all the times I didn’t speak up when I was afraid, I have learned a lesson the hard way. For all the times I forgot to be in a present moment of grace that is shared with another, I abandoned and lost a part of this sweet and sacred connection. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to clean up the messes I left behind me in order to create a clear path full of joy and possibility for the beauty rising on the horizon at this time. I want to be the change...I choose this path.
I ask for us to feel exactly how we feel together...whether it is hurt, sorrow, joy, or bliss. I invite you to feel...feel me as you and you as me. I wish to recognize the light in you that is also in me and keep my attention on that bond between us all. All distance, all time, all identities, all thoughts can fall away as we dance to the beat of our hearts and sway in the ebb and flow of our breath. Feeling together even when we are apart, and remembering that magic within us. We can end the search for miracles now...for we have found them at home in our heart’s connection.
May all beings be happy and well, and may we all find peace and enlightenment.
Artwork by Laurie Kammer, March 2011