Thursday, June 30, 2011
In the last week, I have been through a variety of feelings....
First of all, my legs are feeling dense...extreme pins and needles...electric pulses...and jumpin at their own leisure. It has been interesting trying to figure out how to explain how this experience feeeeels! At first, I had energetic legs...they were there but they felt as though they were stuck in a certain position...which was different from where they actually were. I began feeling the vibrations as music and energy workers were around me. My aura was and still is very much alive in order to compensate for the loss....this is sort of a dream come true for me as I have always wondered what it would be like to be so sensitive to the energetic space that exists around, within, and between all things and beings. People would wiggle their fingers above my legs or wave their hand past my foot and I would feel it like a wave or a tickle passing through me....a very intense sensation. Then the electric pulses started...I could literally see in my minds eye what the nerves would look like inside my legs if I were to shrink down and walk through them....like little root systems lighting and firing in bright neon blue bursts down my leg. I'm now feeling like I said....not only nerves but mass...it's like a density that wasn't there before. I can feel the outline of my calves but I still can't feel the surface skin touch. I'm working from the inside out~
how cool is this? This is by far the hardest and most challenging experience thus far in my life...but it's taking me on a fascinating journey already. Tomorrow I leave for rehabilitation...a transition that I am now feeling ready for.
I've been surrounded by so many that love me...and I've had lots of moments to share with those I have not seen in years. I want everyone to know how grateful I really am for all of this. I had realized only a week or so before this incident, that I had been blocking a great capacity of love into my life...and boy did I cry for at least an hour when I had that breakthrough.....well woah! here I am receiving more love than I could possibly ask for.
But more on feelings....I am for the most part taking this whole thing really well...but I am really challenged as I learn to express myself in all the facets of emotional being. When I need something, I have to advocate and speak up...and sometimes you have to repeat yourself or access your anger so that the doctors will finally hear you or respond to your question. The most apparent though....are my fears and my grief and sadness. When I am pushing myself to sit up in the brace that hurts my back soooo much to be in...looking at the wheelchair...breathing...keeping myself steady...as I look at my feet on the ground...I am holding in the extreme emotion of not being able to feel them there. I am scared when my body leans forward...I feel as though I am going to fall over and I have no control over my lower half yet. The first time I wheeled around in the chair was earlier this week....and I was soooo overcome with joy that I was crying....it really is an overwhelming experience. I wheeled all the way downstairs and out the front door...when the sun hit my face, my whole body said "yes." Then I made it across the street to a picnic area and got right up to a small tree in the center of a gravel circle. This is when I really let go....I was saving it and staying strong so that I could release in a moment of extreme gratitude for such a simple thing as going outside and touching the leaves of a tree again.
The lessons will continue to pour in as I maneuver my way down this path. I will be physically challenged more than I ever have been...and it's time. It's time to go deeper within myself...move forward...and really heal on so many levels.
So let's get to it then.
Much love to you all ~ my website will be up and accepting donations this week...keep checking in. I love you all and many blessings to you. Sat Nam ~ Namaste