Holiday CARDS?!! ~ try Send Out Cards...

Hello all!

I recently became a distributor for "Send Out Cards" which is an online card and gift sending program that enables you to create customized cards for ANYthing. I was first introduced to this program as a way for me to be able to reach out to everyone who has sent me cards and gifts as I recover from my injury. What I found when I started creating cards using this program, was that it is also incredibly convenient for me to connect with others quicker than I ever have before. Because I am an artist...I always tell myself I will make a gift or card for someone's birthday/special occasion...and then I rarely do because of life's busy pace. Thus creating guilt and downing myself for failing to act on my will.

"Send Out Cards" just made my favorites list because I can create personalized pictures and messages, schedule mass mailings to multiple people by importing a mailing list, upload my artwork to promote myself, create printed canvases of my artwork, create business cards, create video cards....and choose from a ton of gifts that can be included with the card. I forgot to mention they have a form for you to fill in your personal handwriting so that when you type on your computer....it can be YOUR handwriting and signature! I mean, come on....that's cool.

Though this is very "businessy"...I still see that just as I am taking time to get strong and independent again through my recovery process....Send Out Cards is going to help me to gain new "muscles" in a different way. I am learning that nothing happens quickly...everything needs to be practiced...and having a postitve attitude during the process is the key to success.

Sooooo.....I decided I will just start small and create a post here on my blog to just let everyone know about this great program. It's FUN, it's CHEAPer than buying cards at the store, and it SAVES you a trip to the post office. Of course for me right now....these things are all huge. If you go to this website....

https://www.sendoutcards.com/137245/

.....you can create a free card to see how easy the program is and make a decision for yourself as to whether you are interested in buying a monthly subscription or simply using the site whenever you think of a card to send.

Here's the differences between those two options...

https://www.sendoutcards.com/start/retail/

Basically, the subscription will offer a few more options and help you keep track of cards you have sent...also the ability to create mailing lists for different purposes (girl scouts, business, family, etc)....plus the points never go away if you want to let them build up throughout the year until the holiday season comes around!! Of course the "Pay as you Go" option is also convenient too and allows you to decide how much you are able to spend in one mailing.

This truly is a different voice for me....but I want everyone to know that I really am enjoying this program...especially because it shows that EVERYONE is creative =)

If you are interested in buying a subscription....then great!!! You will be helping me out by doing so and the money is going towards my new business venture so that I can continue to make money EVEN though I am currently recovering from a spinal cord injury and unable to work outside of my home.

If you own a business or non-profit yourself....or are interested in becoming a distributor yourself.....I highly recommend checking out the opportunity page:

https://www.sendoutcards.com/opportunity/

OK!! I'm still organizing my mail list for my BIG mailing to all you LOVELY people out there who have been so supportive to me. I look forward to learning more about how to grow as an artist and entrepreneur....and how this program can cater to the needs of both!

Take care.....HAPPY HOLIDAYS....and NAMASTE
~Laurie

Stillness

"Seek out a Tree, and let it teach you stillness" - Eckhart Tolle

I have been looking through a beautiful book from an Ekhart Tolle retreat in Findhorn, Scotland and just really absorbing his words into my cells...they feel good inside. I still find myself so mesmerized by the powerful teachings that have surfaced from my fall. I continue to seek those important lessons that come through dramatic changes in our lives. Though I fell from a tree, I still find myself in such a state of nothingness when I gaze at them from my bedroom window...still awestruck by their grace and presence. My fall forced me into a physical state of stillness through becoming paralyzed...creating a shift in the way I do everything....from waking to sleeping...my routines have changed in ways I never ever would have imagined. I am still learning to sit fully in my body and tune in to its painful whisperings...each one yearning for my gentle attention. On my new mat table, I am allowing myself the time for stretching and laying flat in my favorite yoga pose..."Tree." I breath deeply into my aching ribs and back...seeking the space inside and sending it oxygen that is only available to me from our symbiotic relationship to those beautiful trees outside my bedroom window. I imagine my legs to be the roots...digging deeply into the earth below me and requesting her nourishment...feeling the energy spiral up from my toes, through my spine and up towards my pointed hands above me.

Great things take time...gardens need to be nurtured...weeds pulled...soil tilled....and patience and gentle care is a necessity in growth. Sometimes the storm comes and pulls and tugs on you...floods you with emotions....and breaks your weakest points...but nature is infinitely changing and re-adjusting to the flow that just IS. I'm seeking that space. That acceptance of truth within me that just flows with the balance...whether that means sun or storm...they are all a part of that delicate scale back to the divine union of duality.

Thank you all for listening to my channeled ramblings ~ My sincerest gratitude for your unique expression...whether sun...or storm...or just plain clouds....we are an everchanging and formless flow of life together.

Blessings ~ Namaste!

Gratitude

I am presently this moment having such a wonderful feeling of gratitude I absolutely had to begin typing and sharing and expressing. I may explode if I don't!! As I really begin to see and feel my transition period shifting....I am noticing more and more how being supported by family, dear friends, and new friends has a profound effect on my overall well-being. I know that I may not be able to visit or communicate with everyone all the time, but I feel energetically connected and cared for in a very expansive way...like my whole being extends way way out to be nurtured in all that giving of love being sent my way. I mentioned this in the first week after I fell in June....and I am feeling it still to this day....It has not yet been my life experience..to receive such a grand capacity of love and appreciation. Now, I know that this wasn't because I wasn't being given love in my life....of course I was surrounded by all the same beautiful people...only I wasn't present...aware...or even willing to accept and receive this kind of support. For some reason..and I know I'm not alone in this...I really didn't feel I deserved that kind of treatment...that receiving was like being weak...and...I felt guilty! Wow...but I am beginning to shift right now...I am learning to receive...accept...and be present with myself and with others. I know I have more steps on this journey! Being injured has thrown me right into a healing crisis...into critical decisions and life changes...it has been so mind expanding as I curiously wonder and often stare at others....thinking..... how is it that the body works so wonderfully to make movements...I am truly in awe of even the smallest toe twitch as someone is just casually shifting their weight while having a conversation. I notice different shapes...curves...shoe sizes...and hip swinging...longing for the chance to twist my own one day.

I know...like many of my peers...that there is so much hope for the future of spinal cord injury. And to be honest...what excites me even more is the chance to discover what each moment brings...regardless of the labels or predictions or even the horrible nerve pain. If I can live each day knowing simply that "I AM"....well...the silence says it all. There is peace even amidst the rough waves at the surface.

Our world is living in stressful times...our earth is reflective of this and we are all getting pretty P-Oed at the way things are run...and controlled. I take responsibility as being a part of this development...I myself have come from a past of ignorant and mindless behavior...negative beliefs...false statements...tons of fear of the world...unhealthy habits and abuse to my body....trying to control others and situations....oh yea, and being an Over-Giver. There's just no way that I can say I am a victim of the craziness that surrounds me and all of the world when I have blatantly been a contributer. That is why I feel it is soo important that we all find time to stand up for what we think is important..to make changes where we know they need to be made...and to being choosing passion in our lives. Fulfilling our desires for our highest good and the benefit of all beings can only lead to more people Risin Up around us and with us. We are co-creative, strong, capable and absolutely empowered individuals when we stop controlling other people and begin to look within for the true guidance. To Our Heart....make our connections from this space. Here is an excerpt from an article on electromagnetic frequencies...

“The heart’s EMF (electro-magnetic field) is five thousand times more powerful than the electromagnetic field created by the brain and, in addition to its immense power, has subtle, non-local effects that travel within these forms of energy. … the heart generates over fifty thousand femtoteslas (a measure of EMF) compared to less than ten femtoteslas recorded from the brain.” (p. 55) The profound significance of these facts leads … to comment: “The Heart’s Code points the way to a new revolution in our thinking."

So anyways....this was a wonderful way for me to really channel that explosive energy I had going on twenty minutes ago. Glad to be sharing and I AM incredibly grateful for those of you listening without feeling the need to "fix anything." I'm learning that by just listening to someone...you are actually able to help their body relax...their brain releases the hormone oxytocin which relieves stress. The process of being completely vulnerable and open...of sharing with others can biologically balance your being!...haha how about that phrase? As my dad would say..."I'm down with that!" Seriously, let's balance the biology of our world!

From my grateful heart to yours....Namaste and Happy "Fall Back" ~ truly a night of recognizing and feeling the shift ~ or at least we get an extra hour of sleep back!! (huge deal for me!)

Blessings~Love~Peace
Laurie

love her

"in Love it is a Union"

Standing and Stepping In Possibility

Standing on Day One of the EKSO trial at Kessler

A week ago today, I was already on my way to Kessler's "Stroll n Roll" Fundraiser to raise money for the ongoing research for Spinal Cord Injury. My dad and I were amped because we were going to see the new robotic legs called "EKSO" being used by a 20 year paraplegic and beautiful Australian woman, Amanda (She had just been sent to my email in a video link from the news). I had no idea how important this week was going to be.....

First of all, Amanda was just as sweet and amazing as she seemed in her tv interview. She was strong and spoke with a tangible excitement about walking for the first time in 20 years. Watching her brought up so many emotions for me, feeling grateful that after only 4 months of being injured I was going to be given the gift of walking again. I was introduced to Amanda, telling her about the 4 day research trial being done at Kessler for the Ekso on various levels of spinal cord injury. Her response was a cheerful, "OH, you're one of the lucky 6!" One of the lucky 6! I thought to myself.....woah that's really cool. I had no idea on this day the extent of the privilege I had been given. Next I saw my doctor from Kessler (the one who had also been Christopher Reeve's physician)...he me asked how many days I was participating in the trial. I told him 4...and he responded..."OH, you're one of the multiples!"......What does that mean? I asked, getting the typical jokester reply..."shhhh...It's top secret...!"

Well, now my mind was reeling with anticipation for the week and the new relationship I was about to form with the Kessler research team.....I'm one of 6...and I'm one of the multiples...not everyone gets to do this! Laurie!....I told myself....this is going to be a big deal! So then it was time for Amanda to show us how she uses the Bionics...it was amazing to watch and hear how satisfied she was with the comfort of standing in the legs and their ability to mimic the natural gate of an able-bodied stride. I was introduced to more people (again, at the time I had no clue how important these meetings were) and was interviewed by the New Jersey paper, The Star Ledger. I was told they wanted to track one of the 6 for the whole trial for an article. "Cool" I thought....and what a plus that the reporter was a pleasure to chat with...connecting with everything I was talking about as far as the arts and healing and the overall experience of being paralyzed. My dad and I left there feeling the buzz of the press...the importance of the trial....and the warmth of the sunshine on that beautiful Sunday in Newark, NJ.

Day 1 ~ Monday.

I arrive in normal Physical and Occupational therapy from 10-12 that morning...noticing that I'm not as nervous as I had expected for my first day with the Berkley Bionics team for Ekso. I then arrived upstairs to the oh so familiar 2nd floor in-patient therapy gym. I see all of my old therapists and some of my fellow friends who are still there as in-patients. The Ekso trial was blocked off in the middle by rolling white curtains, but with plenty of gaps for the curious to peek in. I was met by the reporter, more cameras and questions, and a new team of therapists. We went through the procedures of testing my strength, sensory, and motor abilities before transferring into the chair where my new opportunity, the Ekso, was lounging. Once I was strapped in and ready to go....they talked me through the "Stand".....counted 3..2..1..."standing"....and up I went with my two hands clutching the walker in front of me.

Wow....I looked out around me, feeling the elevation but also feeling the complete support of the entire room. My arms and shoulders were unnecessarily working to keep me up until the therapists instructed me to relax and find my balance point. Being a dancer, I have been able to keep some semblance of my body awareness despite not being able to feel my butt on the seat or my feet on the ground. Within minutes, they were letting go for quick spurts as I held myself balanced on my own feet using as little "arm" as possible. Next came the first steps.... My job, they tell me, is purely to stay at "home base" which is my balance point... and to weight shift right and forward, then left and forward. The "walking" is done by my Bionic legs and the epic push of the "Step" button (which in this model, is controlled by the therapists.) So there I was, about to take my first step....with a straight face and a calm heart...focused and determined to get the hang of this new thing. With each step, I was amazed by the movement....trying to process the multi-level experience of the moment. Yes of course it was awkward....yes of course it was nothing like feeling your own feet and muscled propelling you forward....but there I was walking toward my father and the many on-lookers in front of me...showing the world that nothing is impossible.

Before I continue on about the rest of the week....I want to mention this word..."impossible" because it has come up for me many times through my journey of recovery. I have come to realize that everything new can be felt as scary, exciting, or impossible. I recall laying in my bed at the Morristown hospital, being asked to sit up from being flat on my back....lifting my chin to sit.... and not going anywhere. "This is impossible" I thought to myself then....I remember also being asked to use a wooden board to transfer myself from my bed into a chair...."this is impossible" I thought once more. Then again...on my first day at Kessler, being asked to sit up on the mat with my feet on the floor while lifting both hands into the air in front of me...I just stared at my therapist with bug eyes and a big question mark for a brain as I thought to myself...."Could this really be possible!?" Well....so far, I have shown myself that Yes Laurie.... change and newness are scary and exciting....but Nothing is impossible..... =)

AND so....the saga continued...

Day 2 ~ Tuesday.
So they told me to wear leggings...and even though I am sitting in a chair....I wouldn't really just wear leggings if I were standing without a little skirt to cover up...so that's what I'm wearing today! The therapists chuckled telling me I am the first skirt to walk in the Ekso. =) They also inform me they were taking away the walker and giving me the arm crutches. Wow! Already? Ok....here we go... So, my first stand was with the walker as well as my first lap around before my arms slipped into the poles which extend my arms to root me down. I realized this immediately...even though I can't feel my feet rooted...these crutches are acting in the same way...I can feel the floor with some part of my body now. Finding my balance point with the crutches was even easier and I felt even more liberated just standing there. I'm noticing, however, every time that I stand how foreign I feel being at my standing height. Everyone feels too close to my personal space...and I feel like a giant! It took me time to realize how being in a wheelchair for just 4 months has created such a gap between me and everyone and everything around me. Things are hard to reach now....and carrying things requires a fine balancing act on my lap as I wheel myself around.....counters are too high....bending over hurts...and hugs are just not that satisfying unless you straddle me and sit on my lap! I miss those heart to heart squeezes!

Day 3 ~ Wednesday.

I had PT and OT again this morning and multiple breakthroughs before going upstairs to my third session with the Bionic team. In physical therapy, my legs and feet were bound with ace bandages to wooden boards placed as supports under my legs. With legs resting on a wheeling stool, I rolled over to the parallel bars and stood up on my own using my arm strength. As I stood there, I asked again..."Is this my normal height?"....Of course it is...but wow I am still in awe of how foreign I feel to be floating this high. The therapist working with me had me hop by lifting myself with the use of the bars to twist my feet side to side and then to move forward in the bars. With little to no assistance, I hopped back and forth the length of the bars 4 times...each hop getting smoother and more confident. This was the beginning of getting me into leg braces which may not be so high tech as those robotic legs, but they will get me up on my feet and using a walker to eventually propel myself on my own. Next, in Occupational therapy, I was on my third day of trying to hold myself in a wheelie for more than 10 seconds. Today was the day. I not only held the wheelie in a huge loaner chair for a minute, I was able to roll forward and turn myself around in quarter and half turns in a wheelie as well! Boy was I ready for day three....

Again, I wore my leggings and lil skirt outfit...gosh was I starting to feel like myself...back in some Laurie flair and up on my feet in the Ekso...my imagination running wild...eager to get my toes back in rhythm with the beats that are always running in my mind. Today they were ready to stand me up using the crutches...we were moving forward faster than I could have imagined. I was grateful that neither I nor the therapists had set a previous expectation for the trial...as far as I was concerned...every moment was creating magic and POSSIBILITY! Standing with the crutches was again, easier and more natural than I could have imagined for such a young version of the sleeker, even more graceful models to come. The triumphs of the morning gave me confidence and hope that again, I was only moving forward in my recovery and healing....one baby step at a time. On this day I called my own steps...something they hadn't done yet with the others in the trial...I was connecting my rhythms and intuiting when to step...all I had to do was speak with strength in my tone.....owning and controlling my walk. super cool.

Day 4 ~ Thursday.

Bright and early, my dad and I arrived at Kessler at 7:30 am...I was transferring out of the car and into my chair just as the sun was rising over those familiar trees that used to call to me from my room as an in-patient. I took a breath and soaked in the sun...feeling good to be early and further along in my journey since those days that prepared for for this moment. We started walking at 8:30 and I called my own steps again....finally feeling a smoothness and flow to the Bionic Robot. My body started to leave the hands of the therapist's guidance, meaning I was showing signs of becoming independent with the Ekso. At around 9 am we took a break for lunch and I had an uplifting conversation with a fellow paraplegic who was also participating as a "multiple" in the trial. He was telling me that after 2 years, he had never been told about a gym close by to our area where walking therapy is readily available. I am on my way this thursday to check the gym out myself....he was telling me how this has helped him to come out of the lowest depression he has ever experienced....how wonderful it is for me to have these things immediately after "going home."

On this day, things were really sinking in for me...I went to that same space I was in the night I fell and was lying there in the dirt in awe of those around me. I saw how every single person around me was an integral part of a bigger purpose...we all had something to offer to the other...some lesson..some thought...some _?__ that affects everyone else in a deep and profound way. It was a feeling of pure joy and love for the knowing of order that exist behind the scenes...that mystery that brings us to just the right place at the right time with the right people.

By 11:30 I was getting all wired up to be the first person in the Ekso to collect data for research. This was the first trial as Ekso will be traveling to other rehab centers and doing more collecting through December. I had sensors all over my legs to detect muscle activation...I had a pulse reader on my finger to determine changes in heart rate...I had camera markers that are normally used in film making to create a digitally animated movement from a real "live" movement, I had a video camera for the press strapped to my chest...and a room full of researchers, press, doctors, therapists, and my own father. We got up on the runway and I went through the tests which eventually recorded every step as I walked up and down. Each step was making history, I thought....and then one of the therapists asked me in a whisper..."Would you like me to get the full length mirror for you to see yourself?" I knew instantly how I would react to seeing myself...and said YES. I felt myself jump for joy and weep in amazement at the sight of myself all wired up in a robot...but still seeing through it all to my body standing up tall and just as perfect as could be. I walked the length of the runway to myself...feeling the tears well up in my eyes as I got closer and closer to my own reflection. The engineer stood next me in front of the mirror and said..."This is the most emotional I have seen you..." "Well," I said, "Its a different experience to seeing yourself in a mirror as opposed to a video."

And that was that. Soon I was back down in my chair wheeling towards my last video interview for the press feeling truly and utterly blessed to be me. I knew I would only continue to be asked about these kinds of trials...that this is technology that is going to change the word "Disabled."

I'll never say never. Instead, I'm keeping this memo posted in my head....

"Laurie...no matter how scary or impossible things may seem...you are safe...and you are allowed to stand up and step steadily along the path of limitless Possibility.

With Love and Gratitude....and more to come soon. My blessings to you all! Namaste~Laurie

Winds of Change

It's been months since I have brought myself to this blog. Partly because I was barely using my computer to type but mostly because I had no desire to write anything. I've been writing here and there in my journal, drawing, sculpting, playing music, and sharing with some during visits...but there isn't any other way to express the need for silence than to be silent....

So now I'm back here...allowing whatever comes to mind to pour out of my fingers to you. Here's whats on my mind...

Life has changed. I'm home now...adjusting to a whole world of "new" things. Of course there are the obvious changes resulting from my injury...but I am also living in a space that I have never lived in before. My family and I were planning on moving together....and I was not around for the transition. The "Jersey 5" (brother, sister, niece, nephew, and I) is now the Jersey 6 with my dad taking on a whole lot of NEW himself. There are days when I sit in silent awe of my family and how much they sacrifice...their ability to rise to any challenge. It would be complete lie for me to say that things are "All Good"....I have been experiencing daily challenges with my body mechanics, nerve pain, emotions, thoughts.....and creating my healing space. I am always always reminding myself to be patient with the timing of which things unfold. I honestly didn't think back in June that I would still be in a wheelchair come october...but then again, I had NO clue what it meant to have a spinal cord injury....I am and will continue to learn. On the flip of course....I have come an incredibly long way since the first time I sat up in bed over in the ICU....I no longer flop all over the place....though leaning forward is still scary....and I am doing more things on my own. All in all.....this is just the beginning of my healing journey.

I welcome change. Yes....change can be scary, upsetting, uncomfortable, painful even...but change is what evolves us. I cant imagine anyone ever deciding to transform via traumatic injury, divorce, bankruptcy, etc.....but when life creates emergency, it forces us to access our deeper intentions, desires, and creativity. Through this experience, I have received so much knowledge and perspective on living with disability. I am amazed by how bodies move with such grace and ease....and how un-easy and un-graceful I feel these days! I can barely sit up straight in my bed...I grunt and roll and fight with my legs just to turn over onto my sides throughout the night because if I don't, my skin could break down and develop a sore that takes months to heal. Yes. I still welcome change....and I am hoping that through sharing my journey and perspective, that I can prevent at least some of the pain and suffering of others. Life is boring when it is stagnant....it's unhealthy when your emotions bottle up...there's no romance when someone only loves you in one way....and when we resist change or try to control our lives and our environment...we end up getting slammed by tornados and tsunamis. So....only nature can tell us when....

I've changed. I've become silent to some....more open to others....outgoing and active in planning my fundraiser....yet silent and reclusive as I sit for hours creating art or meditating in my room. It has been a life challenge for me as I have always tried to live a life that leads others to believe that everything can be good, happy, flowery....etc....you all know what I mean here....but I feel it is important for everyone to know that no matter what...we are allowed to show our darker sides. I may not have chosen to show it completely, but my way of expression is not just through writing blogs. I am deciding to explore my gifts of creative expression so that I may come face to face with the shadows that teach us how to rise above...the shadows that inspire activism and passion. My dreams and success are hidden somewhere inside those shadows. I don't know many leaders in this world who have had a life of complete ease....many of us know what these shadows are and yet we avoid avoid Avoid! My wish is that we work on ourselves before we fall from grace....that we listen when our inner voice is yelling at us to turn the car around....that we learn to pause in the middle of reacting and take a deep breath....because breaking your ribs is a hard way to learn how to appreciate that divine gift that keeps us alive. Please my dearest human family....take the time to work on yourselves. We will never ever be happy just working on other peoples problems....your unhappiness and pain are no one else's fault ~ no one else can feel them except for you. It is our responsibility to create a healthy boundary for our self work....so please please please take the time to work with me....by finding everyday a time for yourself...to appreciate small blessings like showers, being able to pick up your child, cutting vegetables at the kitchen counter, having sore legs from Walking! These are all blessings...and there are infinite amounts surrounding you all the time when you awaken your awareness to them.

Yes....my changes have brought me into a sacred space. I honor this space and I am finding ways to bring myself into a new alignment with my higher purpose.

I have big dreams and I intend on fulfilling them....but I am learning to detach myself from the HOW's and simply trusting and asking that my commitment, actions, and consistent application to them will manifest the right people, places, and timing.

This I know......I am rising everyday....my body knows how to heal....(nerves/axons do re-grow no matter what the doctors say....but they take as long as hair...so I'm not cutting my hair for a while! =)).....I am healing and I am willing and open to sharing this journey with the world.

May we all find the truth....and fall like a leaf...with grace, acceptance....and the excitement of being recycled and re-birthed anew.

and finally.......

A Gigantic THANK YOU to everyone out there who has sent me mail, visited me, sent me silent prayers....etc! I have not been able to go through all of the envelopes but believe me I remember you all and continue to feel the blessing of finally seeing the potential healing power of community. The internet and facebook have been huge...I'll never knock the network again haha....we truly are an interconnected nervous system and our technology is only getting better. Just think.....next week....I'll be walking in robotic legs for 4 days during an "E-Legs" trial....they aren't even out on the market yet. What a privilege to be a part of history in the making.

My biggest and warmest wishes for a beautiful fall season...a time to recognize what we need to change in our lives...and take our leap of faith into the unknown mystery of transformation.

Fly with Freedom to Express Your Unique Self in Your Own Way......and know that Love flows with you no matter how hard the wind is blowing.

I love this world....hahhhhhhhhhhhhh ~ sigh ~........

Namaste~

Here I Am

July 23, 2011

Here I am, end of week 3 in Rehabilitation. I am transferring everyday from wheelchair to bed, wheelchair to mats…stretching my legs, lifting weights, standing in a frame that holds me up, biking in a machine that stimulates my legs muscles to move, painting with an art therapist, talking with my fellow rehabilitators, laughing with the nurses, loving the therapists, and consistently working on Rising Up Laurie. “Laurie Lifting” as someone called it yesterday. =) There are many lessons to be learned through this experience….I’ve only touched upon the strength I am going to need to move through it all. Everyday I am shown hints into the extreme self work that is required in this moment of my life. Today, I will share a few…

1. Most important right now…is my yearning for independence. This has been my challenge, my struggle, my complaint, my “blame game” on others…..the Fight for my independence. I realized in this past week that I always thought of independence as something that you accomplish with OUT the help of others. I believed that to be independent meant being alone, and getting there had to be a lonely journey. Well…being here in this situation…I am seeing very very clearly that in order to become independent again, I actually REQUIRE the help of a whole team of people…my family, friends, therapists, doctors…..and also paint, ukulele, pens and drawing pads….there are so many people and things around me to HELP me through this journey. I don’t HAVE to be alone…or achieve independence through a silent suffering. Yes, your life is your own…and Yes, every step is your step….but what about CO-Creating with my support ~ with my SELF!? I feel that everything and everyone in our surroundings is in some way a reflection of our consciousness and if I could just see and recognize that every person, place, or thing can be a tool or a lesson, then the flow of consciousness would be just that….a Flow…an ever-changing flow~ transformation.

2. My transformation ~ Rebirth ~ This is a time when I am seeing myself in a whole new way…I can choose to feel incomplete and broken, or I can choose to see my whole self as perfect and complete~ as Puranpreet~ my spirit. Everyday I make strides in connecting back to my legs and my body. Everyday I struggle with the nerve pain, the discomfort in the spine, the temperature changes, the bathroom struggles and more. Yet all that is happening is putting me more in the moment than ever. The pain is a wake up call…it’s the call that cannot be ignored anymore. Complaints of discomfort and complaints of skin troubles…things that have been a vicious cycle for me since I was young. Now everything is amplified and I am finally ready for my whole and complete healing. I feel and know in my heart that this is a deep deep healing for me. Maybe it’s deep because these pains and beliefs are rooted in my early developmental years…or perhaps these are pains that I have carried for lifetimes. Either way, I am ready. God am I ready.

3. I am an artist. I am a creator. I have been a fighter for my independence, my transformation and healing….but also for my passions in the arts. As an artist, I have always judged myself and convinced myself that those who love me don’t believe that I can make a living through my passions. I have held onto this kind of attitude….which sounds like this…. “I’ll show YOU, that I can be an artist, musician, dancer, vendor, hooper…etc…and still make enough money to make a living…I’ll even become rich!” This statement is coming from a very selfish and childish part of me that doesn’t feel good enough, smart enough, mature enough, FILL IN THE BLANK~ ENOUGH! Why? Well, because this is another core and deep belief I have acquired from my social environment and my own ways of protecting myself. “What are you protecting yourself from?” you may ask….Well…..My whole life I have held myself back from being the best…all the while believing that “I am the best at everything!” (another viscous cycle). It sort of goes like this in my head……If I don’t succeed, I might not be good enough, If I am not good enough, then others will not love me, and if others do not love me, then they are going to leave me, when they leave me, I will be alone, and if I am alone, I will be……well alone. Huh…wow. When I got there to the end of the sentence I had this moment of peace. You know why? Because I actually Love to be alone. =) hahahhahha It is when I am alone that I am most creative and connected to my spirit. It is when I am alone that I feel free and allowing of any emotion to surface and release. It is when I am alone that I take care of myself, cleanse myself, and affirm myself. When I am alone I dance my true dance, sing my heart out, and give myself the time to create whatever it is that is in my imagination. I love my imagination. I love my spirit. ALL I really want right now is my spirit to manifest in my physical body. I want to really live the life of spirit manifest here on earth. I know…I already am. But why do I feel this split so heavy!? I hear my inner voice loud and clear and I hear my mind and ego even louder sometimes! My challenge in this moment is to find that divine balance between the glory of collaboration with others and the glory of the self….it ends up being a dance. A tango. A divine partnering of yin and yang that ebs and flows and never stays in one place. Thereeee yaaaa gooooo. For me, it’s about allowing in “Divine Partnership.” This can be manifest in a Lot of ways…relationships with friends, family, and men…relationship with my self and my own masculine and feminine energies….relationship with nature and relationship with the world. Again…I see the image of a tree in my mind right now. Trees KNOW the balance. They live rooted in the earth and in the sky. They are strong and steady because of the challenge of the wind and rain. They are diverse and beautiful, in all different shapes and sizes and colors. They may seem like they aren’t doing much, but if you take the time to observe the same tree everyday….you will see magnificent changes, strength, and the divine balance of life, death, and rebirth. So so wise we could all be if we just respect the knowing of the tree! Ahhhhhh…….

Well……that’s why I am here. I am here to live through the biggest, hardest, and most beautiful transformation of my SELF. To bring my spirit down and through my body…into my legs and into the earth. MY mama earth…my dear dear dear mama earth whom I miss soo much right now. I yearn to be in her waters, her sands and dirt, hugging her branches, smelling her fragrance, listening to her creatures and songs on the wind. Wow, how incredibly special it is to be amongst the powerful goddess mother earth. How often I have taken it for granted and how often I have enjoyed her presence when I am Alone…awake and listening. It is here where I find my peace. Alone, in nature there is spirit. The divine partnership is “As above, so below.”

Here I am. Now I have found my peace in the “Here I am.”

I am

I am

I am. Sat Nam † Truth is my identity †

Finding Strength

It's been one week since I moved in here to the Rehabilitation Center....one of the best in the country. I also have one of the top doctors specializing in spinal cord injury... he was Christopher Reeves' physician...woah! Every day since last saturday I have had 3 hours total of occupational therapy and physical therapy...in one i do things like balance in the sitting position or practice dressing, moving my legs, putting on shoes....thats the occupational stuff. Then I spend time strengthening my arms and abs....the abs don't even need any exercises..they are clinging together just trying to help me sit up. Every night and every morning I ache but every day I get stronger. Before this happened, I used my legs and feet sooo much...and the most arm workout I got was from lifting children =). Now is my time to strengthen my weakest points...the back muscles that have always been a complaint in my life...it's time to leave all that complaining behind and empower my body to finally grow and learn to lift me up! It's amazing the little things that we take for granted....I never knew how heavy my little legs were...or how special it is to be able to rub your feet and love them. I finally touched my foot for the first time 2 days ago.

This week has been so amazing. They started me right away doing things I really did not expect that I could do this soon. I was cranked up into a standing brace 3 times this week....a contraption that locks your knees and holds your butt in so that you are standing up! woooooaaaahhhhhh was that cool. First day I tried it I lasted 30 minutes without my blood pressure dropping, 2nd time i was in for 20 minutes...and yesterday!? I was in it for almost an hour PLUS the head of the recreation dept set me up to paint while I was up there....the room of therapists were amazed with my painting. haha....I was just being me though! ANd boy did that feel good! Every day I am closer to human again...you know those little things....like brushing my teeth next to the sink or putting my hair in pig tails...or decorating my room as I wheel around in the new chair. Oh yea...wheel chair class! the obstacles....the ramps, the doors, even the elevator...everything is now a new perspective.

I will never be the same Laurie I was....I am seeing strength building inside of me that never would have surfaced without this challenge. I cry at the little things and I am moved by beauty and strength and all of the love and support I am receiving. I still cannot thank everyone enough for the prayers and continuous thoughts and donations. My room is sooo beautiful with all of the gifts and colorful things. =) So Laurie.....

Just as I watch the trees hold strong and become stronger as the wind rustles their branches and leaves....so will I take on the challenge of the wind and rain to strengthen my core, my branches, my spirit and soul.

Rise up to the occasion! I invite you all to face something that you complain about or something that you know you should do but find every excuse in the world why you dont have to. Either way...the universe will always bring you where you need to be.

I am here! I am now...and I am finding my strength every day.

Strong, bold and brave....I AM I AM

LOOOOOVE to you all ! =) Sat Nam