Thursday, March 10, 2011

Going deep

It's been 3 straight weeks of niece, nephew, sister, then me....and it has made me slow down more than ever. First off....I want to apologize for my arrogant comments to those of you who ever heard me say..."I don't get sick." Well, I didn't USED to get sick...haha. This never ending chest cold has taught me a thing or two in the last month.

I find it interesting that after 21 days of yoga and meditation, I get a sickness that reminds me of my childhood. I keep feeling like I'm coughing up all of the gunk that's been stuck in my heart (lungs) for years! I've even shed some light on a few very personal issues that were buried deep inside.....

I had an exercise assignment for my "emotional maturity" quest I'm on with my sister. She asked me to write a stream of consciousness on any emotion as if it were coming from my inner 5 year old. What I wrote down on that page turned into a deep and meaningful realization of why I have so many problems expressing my emotions, allowing myself to feel them, and trusting others. When I heard myself admit that I had been holding onto the limiting belief that it is not safe to become close to others because they will not care about my emotions....or they won't believe me....or they will think I am being dramatic....I began to cry. I was admitting out loud that I was afraid to get too close to anyone and that it is actually unsafe for me to do so. I looked deep into my sister's eyes and cried....knowing that I am completely safe now and it is time to let this go.

Situations in my childhood caused me to create these beliefs that my emotions didn't matter because no one cared....that I wasn't telling the truth when I said I was sick or upset....I won't give specifics...but I allowed others to control me from very young age. I played victim when others were mad at me...claiming that it wasn't my fault. I was afraid that if I expressed my "negative" emotions that I would lose a relationship. At first this was my best friends, then it turned into my boyfriends...and now I've been single for almost 3 years.

Just last week, I had to call out sick to work and I kept having this thought that my boss did not believe me. I figured it had to be true because the feeling was so strong in me. Well, now I know that this pattern was so engrained that it is still causing me to feel that my "truths" are not accepted by others. My inner 5 year old is still screaming..."Believe me!" "Hear me!"

So, rather than beginning a new 21 day adventure...I've been sick while caring for my sick niece and nephew....still singing as best I can, reading the same 2 books over and over, enjoying my standing poses because I can't put my head below my knees, and continuing on this journey that is taking me deeper and deeper. I've learned a lesson in humility. And I've only begun to have that much needed heart to heart with my inner 5 year old.

Namaste and blessings to you all. With love.....

No comments:

Post a Comment