Standing and Stepping In Possibility

Standing on Day One of the EKSO trial at Kessler

A week ago today, I was already on my way to Kessler's "Stroll n Roll" Fundraiser to raise money for the ongoing research for Spinal Cord Injury. My dad and I were amped because we were going to see the new robotic legs called "EKSO" being used by a 20 year paraplegic and beautiful Australian woman, Amanda (She had just been sent to my email in a video link from the news). I had no idea how important this week was going to be.....

First of all, Amanda was just as sweet and amazing as she seemed in her tv interview. She was strong and spoke with a tangible excitement about walking for the first time in 20 years. Watching her brought up so many emotions for me, feeling grateful that after only 4 months of being injured I was going to be given the gift of walking again. I was introduced to Amanda, telling her about the 4 day research trial being done at Kessler for the Ekso on various levels of spinal cord injury. Her response was a cheerful, "OH, you're one of the lucky 6!" One of the lucky 6! I thought to myself.....woah that's really cool. I had no idea on this day the extent of the privilege I had been given. Next I saw my doctor from Kessler (the one who had also been Christopher Reeve's physician)...he me asked how many days I was participating in the trial. I told him 4...and he responded..."OH, you're one of the multiples!"......What does that mean? I asked, getting the typical jokester reply..."shhhh...It's top secret...!"

Well, now my mind was reeling with anticipation for the week and the new relationship I was about to form with the Kessler research team.....I'm one of 6...and I'm one of the multiples...not everyone gets to do this! Laurie!....I told myself....this is going to be a big deal! So then it was time for Amanda to show us how she uses the Bionics...it was amazing to watch and hear how satisfied she was with the comfort of standing in the legs and their ability to mimic the natural gate of an able-bodied stride. I was introduced to more people (again, at the time I had no clue how important these meetings were) and was interviewed by the New Jersey paper, The Star Ledger. I was told they wanted to track one of the 6 for the whole trial for an article. "Cool" I thought....and what a plus that the reporter was a pleasure to chat with...connecting with everything I was talking about as far as the arts and healing and the overall experience of being paralyzed. My dad and I left there feeling the buzz of the press...the importance of the trial....and the warmth of the sunshine on that beautiful Sunday in Newark, NJ.

Day 1 ~ Monday.

I arrive in normal Physical and Occupational therapy from 10-12 that morning...noticing that I'm not as nervous as I had expected for my first day with the Berkley Bionics team for Ekso. I then arrived upstairs to the oh so familiar 2nd floor in-patient therapy gym. I see all of my old therapists and some of my fellow friends who are still there as in-patients. The Ekso trial was blocked off in the middle by rolling white curtains, but with plenty of gaps for the curious to peek in. I was met by the reporter, more cameras and questions, and a new team of therapists. We went through the procedures of testing my strength, sensory, and motor abilities before transferring into the chair where my new opportunity, the Ekso, was lounging. Once I was strapped in and ready to go....they talked me through the "Stand".....counted 3..2..1..."standing"....and up I went with my two hands clutching the walker in front of me.

Wow....I looked out around me, feeling the elevation but also feeling the complete support of the entire room. My arms and shoulders were unnecessarily working to keep me up until the therapists instructed me to relax and find my balance point. Being a dancer, I have been able to keep some semblance of my body awareness despite not being able to feel my butt on the seat or my feet on the ground. Within minutes, they were letting go for quick spurts as I held myself balanced on my own feet using as little "arm" as possible. Next came the first steps.... My job, they tell me, is purely to stay at "home base" which is my balance point... and to weight shift right and forward, then left and forward. The "walking" is done by my Bionic legs and the epic push of the "Step" button (which in this model, is controlled by the therapists.) So there I was, about to take my first step....with a straight face and a calm heart...focused and determined to get the hang of this new thing. With each step, I was amazed by the movement....trying to process the multi-level experience of the moment. Yes of course it was awkward....yes of course it was nothing like feeling your own feet and muscled propelling you forward....but there I was walking toward my father and the many on-lookers in front of me...showing the world that nothing is impossible.

Before I continue on about the rest of the week....I want to mention this word..."impossible" because it has come up for me many times through my journey of recovery. I have come to realize that everything new can be felt as scary, exciting, or impossible. I recall laying in my bed at the Morristown hospital, being asked to sit up from being flat on my back....lifting my chin to sit.... and not going anywhere. "This is impossible" I thought to myself then....I remember also being asked to use a wooden board to transfer myself from my bed into a chair...."this is impossible" I thought once more. Then again...on my first day at Kessler, being asked to sit up on the mat with my feet on the floor while lifting both hands into the air in front of me...I just stared at my therapist with bug eyes and a big question mark for a brain as I thought to myself...."Could this really be possible!?" Well....so far, I have shown myself that Yes Laurie.... change and newness are scary and exciting....but Nothing is impossible..... =)

AND so....the saga continued...

Day 2 ~ Tuesday.
So they told me to wear leggings...and even though I am sitting in a chair....I wouldn't really just wear leggings if I were standing without a little skirt to cover up...so that's what I'm wearing today! The therapists chuckled telling me I am the first skirt to walk in the Ekso. =) They also inform me they were taking away the walker and giving me the arm crutches. Wow! Already? Ok....here we go... So, my first stand was with the walker as well as my first lap around before my arms slipped into the poles which extend my arms to root me down. I realized this immediately...even though I can't feel my feet rooted...these crutches are acting in the same way...I can feel the floor with some part of my body now. Finding my balance point with the crutches was even easier and I felt even more liberated just standing there. I'm noticing, however, every time that I stand how foreign I feel being at my standing height. Everyone feels too close to my personal space...and I feel like a giant! It took me time to realize how being in a wheelchair for just 4 months has created such a gap between me and everyone and everything around me. Things are hard to reach now....and carrying things requires a fine balancing act on my lap as I wheel myself around.....counters are too high....bending over hurts...and hugs are just not that satisfying unless you straddle me and sit on my lap! I miss those heart to heart squeezes!

Day 3 ~ Wednesday.

I had PT and OT again this morning and multiple breakthroughs before going upstairs to my third session with the Bionic team. In physical therapy, my legs and feet were bound with ace bandages to wooden boards placed as supports under my legs. With legs resting on a wheeling stool, I rolled over to the parallel bars and stood up on my own using my arm strength. As I stood there, I asked again..."Is this my normal height?"....Of course it is...but wow I am still in awe of how foreign I feel to be floating this high. The therapist working with me had me hop by lifting myself with the use of the bars to twist my feet side to side and then to move forward in the bars. With little to no assistance, I hopped back and forth the length of the bars 4 times...each hop getting smoother and more confident. This was the beginning of getting me into leg braces which may not be so high tech as those robotic legs, but they will get me up on my feet and using a walker to eventually propel myself on my own. Next, in Occupational therapy, I was on my third day of trying to hold myself in a wheelie for more than 10 seconds. Today was the day. I not only held the wheelie in a huge loaner chair for a minute, I was able to roll forward and turn myself around in quarter and half turns in a wheelie as well! Boy was I ready for day three....

Again, I wore my leggings and lil skirt outfit...gosh was I starting to feel like myself...back in some Laurie flair and up on my feet in the Ekso...my imagination running wild...eager to get my toes back in rhythm with the beats that are always running in my mind. Today they were ready to stand me up using the crutches...we were moving forward faster than I could have imagined. I was grateful that neither I nor the therapists had set a previous expectation for the trial...as far as I was concerned...every moment was creating magic and POSSIBILITY! Standing with the crutches was again, easier and more natural than I could have imagined for such a young version of the sleeker, even more graceful models to come. The triumphs of the morning gave me confidence and hope that again, I was only moving forward in my recovery and healing....one baby step at a time. On this day I called my own steps...something they hadn't done yet with the others in the trial...I was connecting my rhythms and intuiting when to step...all I had to do was speak with strength in my tone.....owning and controlling my walk. super cool.

Day 4 ~ Thursday.

Bright and early, my dad and I arrived at Kessler at 7:30 am...I was transferring out of the car and into my chair just as the sun was rising over those familiar trees that used to call to me from my room as an in-patient. I took a breath and soaked in the sun...feeling good to be early and further along in my journey since those days that prepared for for this moment. We started walking at 8:30 and I called my own steps again....finally feeling a smoothness and flow to the Bionic Robot. My body started to leave the hands of the therapist's guidance, meaning I was showing signs of becoming independent with the Ekso. At around 9 am we took a break for lunch and I had an uplifting conversation with a fellow paraplegic who was also participating as a "multiple" in the trial. He was telling me that after 2 years, he had never been told about a gym close by to our area where walking therapy is readily available. I am on my way this thursday to check the gym out myself....he was telling me how this has helped him to come out of the lowest depression he has ever experienced....how wonderful it is for me to have these things immediately after "going home."

On this day, things were really sinking in for me...I went to that same space I was in the night I fell and was lying there in the dirt in awe of those around me. I saw how every single person around me was an integral part of a bigger purpose...we all had something to offer to the other...some lesson..some thought...some _?__ that affects everyone else in a deep and profound way. It was a feeling of pure joy and love for the knowing of order that exist behind the scenes...that mystery that brings us to just the right place at the right time with the right people.

By 11:30 I was getting all wired up to be the first person in the Ekso to collect data for research. This was the first trial as Ekso will be traveling to other rehab centers and doing more collecting through December. I had sensors all over my legs to detect muscle activation...I had a pulse reader on my finger to determine changes in heart rate...I had camera markers that are normally used in film making to create a digitally animated movement from a real "live" movement, I had a video camera for the press strapped to my chest...and a room full of researchers, press, doctors, therapists, and my own father. We got up on the runway and I went through the tests which eventually recorded every step as I walked up and down. Each step was making history, I thought....and then one of the therapists asked me in a whisper..."Would you like me to get the full length mirror for you to see yourself?" I knew instantly how I would react to seeing myself...and said YES. I felt myself jump for joy and weep in amazement at the sight of myself all wired up in a robot...but still seeing through it all to my body standing up tall and just as perfect as could be. I walked the length of the runway to myself...feeling the tears well up in my eyes as I got closer and closer to my own reflection. The engineer stood next me in front of the mirror and said..."This is the most emotional I have seen you..." "Well," I said, "Its a different experience to seeing yourself in a mirror as opposed to a video."

And that was that. Soon I was back down in my chair wheeling towards my last video interview for the press feeling truly and utterly blessed to be me. I knew I would only continue to be asked about these kinds of trials...that this is technology that is going to change the word "Disabled."

I'll never say never. Instead, I'm keeping this memo posted in my head....

"Laurie...no matter how scary or impossible things may seem...you are safe...and you are allowed to stand up and step steadily along the path of limitless Possibility.

With Love and Gratitude....and more to come soon. My blessings to you all! Namaste~Laurie

Winds of Change

It's been months since I have brought myself to this blog. Partly because I was barely using my computer to type but mostly because I had no desire to write anything. I've been writing here and there in my journal, drawing, sculpting, playing music, and sharing with some during visits...but there isn't any other way to express the need for silence than to be silent....

So now I'm back here...allowing whatever comes to mind to pour out of my fingers to you. Here's whats on my mind...

Life has changed. I'm home now...adjusting to a whole world of "new" things. Of course there are the obvious changes resulting from my injury...but I am also living in a space that I have never lived in before. My family and I were planning on moving together....and I was not around for the transition. The "Jersey 5" (brother, sister, niece, nephew, and I) is now the Jersey 6 with my dad taking on a whole lot of NEW himself. There are days when I sit in silent awe of my family and how much they sacrifice...their ability to rise to any challenge. It would be complete lie for me to say that things are "All Good"....I have been experiencing daily challenges with my body mechanics, nerve pain, emotions, thoughts.....and creating my healing space. I am always always reminding myself to be patient with the timing of which things unfold. I honestly didn't think back in June that I would still be in a wheelchair come october...but then again, I had NO clue what it meant to have a spinal cord injury....I am and will continue to learn. On the flip of course....I have come an incredibly long way since the first time I sat up in bed over in the ICU....I no longer flop all over the place....though leaning forward is still scary....and I am doing more things on my own. All in all.....this is just the beginning of my healing journey.

I welcome change. Yes....change can be scary, upsetting, uncomfortable, painful even...but change is what evolves us. I cant imagine anyone ever deciding to transform via traumatic injury, divorce, bankruptcy, etc.....but when life creates emergency, it forces us to access our deeper intentions, desires, and creativity. Through this experience, I have received so much knowledge and perspective on living with disability. I am amazed by how bodies move with such grace and ease....and how un-easy and un-graceful I feel these days! I can barely sit up straight in my bed...I grunt and roll and fight with my legs just to turn over onto my sides throughout the night because if I don't, my skin could break down and develop a sore that takes months to heal. Yes. I still welcome change....and I am hoping that through sharing my journey and perspective, that I can prevent at least some of the pain and suffering of others. Life is boring when it is stagnant....it's unhealthy when your emotions bottle up...there's no romance when someone only loves you in one way....and when we resist change or try to control our lives and our environment...we end up getting slammed by tornados and tsunamis. So....only nature can tell us when....

I've changed. I've become silent to some....more open to others....outgoing and active in planning my fundraiser....yet silent and reclusive as I sit for hours creating art or meditating in my room. It has been a life challenge for me as I have always tried to live a life that leads others to believe that everything can be good, happy, flowery....etc....you all know what I mean here....but I feel it is important for everyone to know that no matter what...we are allowed to show our darker sides. I may not have chosen to show it completely, but my way of expression is not just through writing blogs. I am deciding to explore my gifts of creative expression so that I may come face to face with the shadows that teach us how to rise above...the shadows that inspire activism and passion. My dreams and success are hidden somewhere inside those shadows. I don't know many leaders in this world who have had a life of complete ease....many of us know what these shadows are and yet we avoid avoid Avoid! My wish is that we work on ourselves before we fall from grace....that we listen when our inner voice is yelling at us to turn the car around....that we learn to pause in the middle of reacting and take a deep breath....because breaking your ribs is a hard way to learn how to appreciate that divine gift that keeps us alive. Please my dearest human family....take the time to work on yourselves. We will never ever be happy just working on other peoples problems....your unhappiness and pain are no one else's fault ~ no one else can feel them except for you. It is our responsibility to create a healthy boundary for our self work....so please please please take the time to work with me....by finding everyday a time for yourself...to appreciate small blessings like showers, being able to pick up your child, cutting vegetables at the kitchen counter, having sore legs from Walking! These are all blessings...and there are infinite amounts surrounding you all the time when you awaken your awareness to them.

Yes....my changes have brought me into a sacred space. I honor this space and I am finding ways to bring myself into a new alignment with my higher purpose.

I have big dreams and I intend on fulfilling them....but I am learning to detach myself from the HOW's and simply trusting and asking that my commitment, actions, and consistent application to them will manifest the right people, places, and timing.

This I know......I am rising everyday....my body knows how to heal....(nerves/axons do re-grow no matter what the doctors say....but they take as long as hair...so I'm not cutting my hair for a while! =)).....I am healing and I am willing and open to sharing this journey with the world.

May we all find the truth....and fall like a leaf...with grace, acceptance....and the excitement of being recycled and re-birthed anew.

and finally.......

A Gigantic THANK YOU to everyone out there who has sent me mail, visited me, sent me silent prayers....etc! I have not been able to go through all of the envelopes but believe me I remember you all and continue to feel the blessing of finally seeing the potential healing power of community. The internet and facebook have been huge...I'll never knock the network again haha....we truly are an interconnected nervous system and our technology is only getting better. Just think.....next week....I'll be walking in robotic legs for 4 days during an "E-Legs" trial....they aren't even out on the market yet. What a privilege to be a part of history in the making.

My biggest and warmest wishes for a beautiful fall season...a time to recognize what we need to change in our lives...and take our leap of faith into the unknown mystery of transformation.

Fly with Freedom to Express Your Unique Self in Your Own Way......and know that Love flows with you no matter how hard the wind is blowing.

I love this world....hahhhhhhhhhhhhh ~ sigh ~........

Namaste~

Here I Am

July 23, 2011

Here I am, end of week 3 in Rehabilitation. I am transferring everyday from wheelchair to bed, wheelchair to mats…stretching my legs, lifting weights, standing in a frame that holds me up, biking in a machine that stimulates my legs muscles to move, painting with an art therapist, talking with my fellow rehabilitators, laughing with the nurses, loving the therapists, and consistently working on Rising Up Laurie. “Laurie Lifting” as someone called it yesterday. =) There are many lessons to be learned through this experience….I’ve only touched upon the strength I am going to need to move through it all. Everyday I am shown hints into the extreme self work that is required in this moment of my life. Today, I will share a few…

1. Most important right now…is my yearning for independence. This has been my challenge, my struggle, my complaint, my “blame game” on others…..the Fight for my independence. I realized in this past week that I always thought of independence as something that you accomplish with OUT the help of others. I believed that to be independent meant being alone, and getting there had to be a lonely journey. Well…being here in this situation…I am seeing very very clearly that in order to become independent again, I actually REQUIRE the help of a whole team of people…my family, friends, therapists, doctors…..and also paint, ukulele, pens and drawing pads….there are so many people and things around me to HELP me through this journey. I don’t HAVE to be alone…or achieve independence through a silent suffering. Yes, your life is your own…and Yes, every step is your step….but what about CO-Creating with my support ~ with my SELF!? I feel that everything and everyone in our surroundings is in some way a reflection of our consciousness and if I could just see and recognize that every person, place, or thing can be a tool or a lesson, then the flow of consciousness would be just that….a Flow…an ever-changing flow~ transformation.

2. My transformation ~ Rebirth ~ This is a time when I am seeing myself in a whole new way…I can choose to feel incomplete and broken, or I can choose to see my whole self as perfect and complete~ as Puranpreet~ my spirit. Everyday I make strides in connecting back to my legs and my body. Everyday I struggle with the nerve pain, the discomfort in the spine, the temperature changes, the bathroom struggles and more. Yet all that is happening is putting me more in the moment than ever. The pain is a wake up call…it’s the call that cannot be ignored anymore. Complaints of discomfort and complaints of skin troubles…things that have been a vicious cycle for me since I was young. Now everything is amplified and I am finally ready for my whole and complete healing. I feel and know in my heart that this is a deep deep healing for me. Maybe it’s deep because these pains and beliefs are rooted in my early developmental years…or perhaps these are pains that I have carried for lifetimes. Either way, I am ready. God am I ready.

3. I am an artist. I am a creator. I have been a fighter for my independence, my transformation and healing….but also for my passions in the arts. As an artist, I have always judged myself and convinced myself that those who love me don’t believe that I can make a living through my passions. I have held onto this kind of attitude….which sounds like this…. “I’ll show YOU, that I can be an artist, musician, dancer, vendor, hooper…etc…and still make enough money to make a living…I’ll even become rich!” This statement is coming from a very selfish and childish part of me that doesn’t feel good enough, smart enough, mature enough, FILL IN THE BLANK~ ENOUGH! Why? Well, because this is another core and deep belief I have acquired from my social environment and my own ways of protecting myself. “What are you protecting yourself from?” you may ask….Well…..My whole life I have held myself back from being the best…all the while believing that “I am the best at everything!” (another viscous cycle). It sort of goes like this in my head……If I don’t succeed, I might not be good enough, If I am not good enough, then others will not love me, and if others do not love me, then they are going to leave me, when they leave me, I will be alone, and if I am alone, I will be……well alone. Huh…wow. When I got there to the end of the sentence I had this moment of peace. You know why? Because I actually Love to be alone. =) hahahhahha It is when I am alone that I am most creative and connected to my spirit. It is when I am alone that I feel free and allowing of any emotion to surface and release. It is when I am alone that I take care of myself, cleanse myself, and affirm myself. When I am alone I dance my true dance, sing my heart out, and give myself the time to create whatever it is that is in my imagination. I love my imagination. I love my spirit. ALL I really want right now is my spirit to manifest in my physical body. I want to really live the life of spirit manifest here on earth. I know…I already am. But why do I feel this split so heavy!? I hear my inner voice loud and clear and I hear my mind and ego even louder sometimes! My challenge in this moment is to find that divine balance between the glory of collaboration with others and the glory of the self….it ends up being a dance. A tango. A divine partnering of yin and yang that ebs and flows and never stays in one place. Thereeee yaaaa gooooo. For me, it’s about allowing in “Divine Partnership.” This can be manifest in a Lot of ways…relationships with friends, family, and men…relationship with my self and my own masculine and feminine energies….relationship with nature and relationship with the world. Again…I see the image of a tree in my mind right now. Trees KNOW the balance. They live rooted in the earth and in the sky. They are strong and steady because of the challenge of the wind and rain. They are diverse and beautiful, in all different shapes and sizes and colors. They may seem like they aren’t doing much, but if you take the time to observe the same tree everyday….you will see magnificent changes, strength, and the divine balance of life, death, and rebirth. So so wise we could all be if we just respect the knowing of the tree! Ahhhhhh…….

Well……that’s why I am here. I am here to live through the biggest, hardest, and most beautiful transformation of my SELF. To bring my spirit down and through my body…into my legs and into the earth. MY mama earth…my dear dear dear mama earth whom I miss soo much right now. I yearn to be in her waters, her sands and dirt, hugging her branches, smelling her fragrance, listening to her creatures and songs on the wind. Wow, how incredibly special it is to be amongst the powerful goddess mother earth. How often I have taken it for granted and how often I have enjoyed her presence when I am Alone…awake and listening. It is here where I find my peace. Alone, in nature there is spirit. The divine partnership is “As above, so below.”

Here I am. Now I have found my peace in the “Here I am.”

I am

I am

I am. Sat Nam † Truth is my identity †

Finding Strength

It's been one week since I moved in here to the Rehabilitation Center....one of the best in the country. I also have one of the top doctors specializing in spinal cord injury... he was Christopher Reeves' physician...woah! Every day since last saturday I have had 3 hours total of occupational therapy and physical therapy...in one i do things like balance in the sitting position or practice dressing, moving my legs, putting on shoes....thats the occupational stuff. Then I spend time strengthening my arms and abs....the abs don't even need any exercises..they are clinging together just trying to help me sit up. Every night and every morning I ache but every day I get stronger. Before this happened, I used my legs and feet sooo much...and the most arm workout I got was from lifting children =). Now is my time to strengthen my weakest points...the back muscles that have always been a complaint in my life...it's time to leave all that complaining behind and empower my body to finally grow and learn to lift me up! It's amazing the little things that we take for granted....I never knew how heavy my little legs were...or how special it is to be able to rub your feet and love them. I finally touched my foot for the first time 2 days ago.

This week has been so amazing. They started me right away doing things I really did not expect that I could do this soon. I was cranked up into a standing brace 3 times this week....a contraption that locks your knees and holds your butt in so that you are standing up! woooooaaaahhhhhh was that cool. First day I tried it I lasted 30 minutes without my blood pressure dropping, 2nd time i was in for 20 minutes...and yesterday!? I was in it for almost an hour PLUS the head of the recreation dept set me up to paint while I was up there....the room of therapists were amazed with my painting. haha....I was just being me though! ANd boy did that feel good! Every day I am closer to human again...you know those little things....like brushing my teeth next to the sink or putting my hair in pig tails...or decorating my room as I wheel around in the new chair. Oh yea...wheel chair class! the obstacles....the ramps, the doors, even the elevator...everything is now a new perspective.

I will never be the same Laurie I was....I am seeing strength building inside of me that never would have surfaced without this challenge. I cry at the little things and I am moved by beauty and strength and all of the love and support I am receiving. I still cannot thank everyone enough for the prayers and continuous thoughts and donations. My room is sooo beautiful with all of the gifts and colorful things. =) So Laurie.....

Just as I watch the trees hold strong and become stronger as the wind rustles their branches and leaves....so will I take on the challenge of the wind and rain to strengthen my core, my branches, my spirit and soul.

Rise up to the occasion! I invite you all to face something that you complain about or something that you know you should do but find every excuse in the world why you dont have to. Either way...the universe will always bring you where you need to be.

I am here! I am now...and I am finding my strength every day.

Strong, bold and brave....I AM I AM

LOOOOOVE to you all ! =) Sat Nam

I feel...feelings...

In the last week, I have been through a variety of feelings....

First of all, my legs are feeling dense...extreme pins and needles...electric pulses...and jumpin at their own leisure. It has been interesting trying to figure out how to explain how this experience feeeeels! At first, I had energetic legs...they were there but they felt as though they were stuck in a certain position...which was different from where they actually were. I began feeling the vibrations as music and energy workers were around me. My aura was and still is very much alive in order to compensate for the loss....this is sort of a dream come true for me as I have always wondered what it would be like to be so sensitive to the energetic space that exists around, within, and between all things and beings. People would wiggle their fingers above my legs or wave their hand past my foot and I would feel it like a wave or a tickle passing through me....a very intense sensation. Then the electric pulses started...I could literally see in my minds eye what the nerves would look like inside my legs if I were to shrink down and walk through them....like little root systems lighting and firing in bright neon blue bursts down my leg. I'm now feeling like I said....not only nerves but mass...it's like a density that wasn't there before. I can feel the outline of my calves but I still can't feel the surface skin touch. I'm working from the inside out~

how cool is this? This is by far the hardest and most challenging experience thus far in my life...but it's taking me on a fascinating journey already. Tomorrow I leave for rehabilitation...a transition that I am now feeling ready for.

I've been surrounded by so many that love me...and I've had lots of moments to share with those I have not seen in years. I want everyone to know how grateful I really am for all of this. I had realized only a week or so before this incident, that I had been blocking a great capacity of love into my life...and boy did I cry for at least an hour when I had that breakthrough.....well woah! here I am receiving more love than I could possibly ask for.

But more on feelings....I am for the most part taking this whole thing really well...but I am really challenged as I learn to express myself in all the facets of emotional being. When I need something, I have to advocate and speak up...and sometimes you have to repeat yourself or access your anger so that the doctors will finally hear you or respond to your question. The most apparent though....are my fears and my grief and sadness. When I am pushing myself to sit up in the brace that hurts my back soooo much to be in...looking at the wheelchair...breathing...keeping myself steady...as I look at my feet on the ground...I am holding in the extreme emotion of not being able to feel them there. I am scared when my body leans forward...I feel as though I am going to fall over and I have no control over my lower half yet. The first time I wheeled around in the chair was earlier this week....and I was soooo overcome with joy that I was crying....it really is an overwhelming experience. I wheeled all the way downstairs and out the front door...when the sun hit my face, my whole body said "yes." Then I made it across the street to a picnic area and got right up to a small tree in the center of a gravel circle. This is when I really let go....I was saving it and staying strong so that I could release in a moment of extreme gratitude for such a simple thing as going outside and touching the leaves of a tree again.

The lessons will continue to pour in as I maneuver my way down this path. I will be physically challenged more than I ever have been...and it's time. It's time to go deeper within myself...move forward...and really heal on so many levels.

So let's get to it then.

Much love to you all ~ my website will be up and accepting donations this week...keep checking in. I love you all and many blessings to you. Sat Nam ~ Namaste

www.Riseuplaurie.com

Let the Vibe Resonate

Every morning a nurse wakes me up at around 6 or 6 30 for vital check....that's where they take my blood pressure, temp, and blood oxygen level....and then again around 7 30 to talk to some surgeons or doctors. I'm sort of amazed at how much I chat after being in a deep sleep. I take this time in the morning to connect with the doctors and nurses...I explain as much as I can about the many different sensations I feel throughout the day, exactly where the pain is, and how I have used vibrations to help me monitor or experiment with both. So far, I can feel that I have really turned some heads in this hospital. The comment when they enter my room...."wow this is not like the rest of the hospital".....I have not yet had any kind of negative response...whoo hoo.

What's sort of funny is that before this occurred, I had some trouble advocating for myself, or a topic I felt passionate about, in a way that was rooted in truth and confidence. Now, whenever a nurse or doctor enters the room...I can't shut up about the amazing results I am getting from the various therapies I am receiving....mainly with vibrations and music. My vocabulary, my voice, my tone....everything has changed since I entered the Morristown hospital. I am confident, willing, and excited to learn more about myself, the body, and how to heal on multiple levels. My room surrounds me with beautiful objects...crystals, paintings, sacred geometry designs, star gazer lilies, a live plant, a pineapple, and lots of love from the many visitors and healers that have entered. I'm eating raw, organic and live foods, and spending quality time with my people who I have very deep love for. It really feels just like my own room would. I give so much thanks for the people who have done that for me. I honestly am not sure how high my spirit would be without all of the support. Thank you.

Soooo.....my lower half!! It's still there and I'm connected with it, I just can't get it to move yet. Through this loss....I have gained a new muscle...which is being EXtremely sensitive to energy. I can feel inside my legs and hips....electrical impulses, swirling sensations...hot, cold, numb, sharp...all different reactions to how I am sitting, who is near me, what is happening around me, what crystal is on me, what vibration is occurring, what am I looking at! Like I mentioned, music and vibrations have been detrimental....I cannot go a day without something vibrational. So far, I have felt my legs become lighter, very warm, and sometimes like little fingers are tickling me on the inside. I have a drum from Mexico, a Tibetan singing bowl, my ukulele, and my dear dear friend who plays guitar and mandolin, who visits almost daily...and when my dad brings his guitar, the JAM is ON. I've been blessed to be able to jam on my uke with my friend who plays the bodhran and drums, and to also have an old school keyboard at my feet being played by my first serious boyfriend. It is AMAZING to me to feel music/vibration in this way. A completely different way of perceiving has been given to me as I have temporarily lost the ability to move with the music. The drum warms my whole body, the uke sends signals from my heart down my legs, the mandolin tickles me inside.....and more....wow.

I feel there are so many things I am learning and will take with me when I enter into the Kessler rehabilitation center next Friday. The fact that 2 doctors now come to my room specifically to absorb more info and experience with the singing bowl and crystals is a huge success. The staff here truly is wonderful and open...I am so grateful to be here now. I am stronger every day and have not stopped accepting what is present for me. My yoga practice kicked in immediately when I fell...I lay there in the dirt pretty scared and upset about dancing =)....and yet I was able to work through this swiftly by breathing deeply and saying...OK I accept. Let's do this. My ride in the helicopter was interesting...I lay there breathing, closing my eyes, and without even trying, just watching myself dance....I breathed in and out and repeated to myself, "I will feel, I will feel...I feel I feeel!" Breathing, affirming, and accepting....beautiful lessons and practices to have with you before something like this.....and sometimes you have to fall hard to be put into a place where you will evolve even more. I'm feeling the rise....I am on the rise and I have an amazing team of interconnected loved ones who I feel are on the rise with me now. Soo in love with this feeling....Community can form in one moment through a crisis. This is a world-wide lesson we are receiving right now through these harsh times....but the crisis is what precedes transformation and creates a priority to ACT Now. sighhhh. Big stuff going on within me....but also within the world. For now, I am able to experiment and experience all of the many things I have been studying and practicing in order to really heal myself. I have talked a lot in this blog about my yearning to heal and heal others.....always knowing that in order to reach out, you must first reach inside and become whole and healed yourself.

I am Happy. I am Healed. I am Whole. I am.

Namaste everyone. Keep that love coming. Intention and prayers are what matter the most and what will ultimately create the rise we are all looking for inside ourselves. Riiiiiiise up. Resonate~Blessssings. So many blessings. Love.

Rise Up Rainbow Roots

Rise Up

Blessings! My name is Laurie Kammer and I am currently recovering from a fall out of a tree that has left me paralyzed from my belly button down. Every day has brought both challenges and opportunities my way as I learn how to adapt to this state of being. I have received so much support already from friends and family and for this I am overwhelmingly grateful. When I fell I was completely conscious …the slow motion, the thoughts, the purple pop of light when I hit and broke my spine, and the instant realization that I will not be able to dance if I cannot move my legs. As help came, I fell deeply in love with everyone around me and was in a state of awe as I observed my rescuers being of service to me…something I had never really experienced before…I even smiled as I was lifted into the helicopter. In the hospital, I am still ever so in love with the warm and nurturing staff. I am receiving Holistic recovery including acupuncture, bodywork, crystal and energy medicine, and most important to my legs, music and vibrational therapy. Some of these healing modalities come from the hospital and some come through those amazing family and friends I have. When I leave the hospital and enter into rehabilitation, I will begin to face many new challenges. The rest of this story is unknown…How long will I be there? In what state will I leave there? One thing I do know is the financial burden I am currently dealing with is one that I cannot face alone. My support group is doing all they can to raise awareness as they begin to collaborate and create fundraising events. In my honor, these events will include the things I am most passionate about…art, dance, music, community, and healing through LOVE. I thank you all in advance for the donations and creative collaborations that mean so much to me. I hear and feel your prayers. I accept this challenge as I plant a new seed within me to find strength in my own inner tree. With so much love and a great big smile, Thank You and Namaste!

-Laurie Kammer- June 23, 2011