The "Matter"

What really matters?

What a question for my mind and heart.....they both have such different responses!

My mind likes to look at the logistics of survival, the approval of audiences, the millions of problems to solve before I can RELAX. Then my heart jumps in and says only love....love is all that matters...no need to look at the problems....just be love. What an interesting back and forth to feel.....one side of me saying everything is wrong...and the other saying everything is alright. WOw....exhausted anyone?

So what really matters?

First off, perhaps what really matters is that I can be aware enough to notice the difference between living in my head and living in my heart. Before taking Avatar® I felt as though I was operating inside one or the other. In front of some people, I made sure I was being logical...then in front of others, I spilled love all over the place with absolutely no awareness of things that may be dangerous (this is how I ultimately injured myself). What matters to me in this moment is that I do have that awareness to notice...I still feel myself bouncing back and forth sometimes but the balance is so much easier to find and the journey is an enjoyable one.


What is the matter anyway?

The matter I’m speaking of here is the blank canvas of life...it’s something that I create. I can create so quickly that something is “the matter” and just as quickly say that there is no “matter” unless I choose there to be. What a concept! hmm....so for this exploration let’s say that the matter I am speaking of right now is “Life”....so...

What really matters in regards to LIFE?

Well, now that I can use discernment of head and heart becoming an integrated system, I have been able to look at life from angles and perspectives I was unable to access before. I had only read about the concept of a multidimensional universe...or a multi-verse as they say on the NOVA channel. All the fascinations about dimensions, quantum physics...all of that was only something I “knew” about. The beauty I feel now is the experience of LIVING ~ recognizing the many aspects of each unique presence, being, space, moment, energy ~~~ recognizing the radiating life force that we each carry a piece of.


The most amazing experience I have started to have happens when the pieces connect with a reverent and wordless appreciation. I can honestly say that I thought I had to be “all heart” in order to experience love...but this heart centered awareness that I feel now comes from an integrated sense of being. My whole self can be included...I don’t have to leave my mind and body out....I can include all aspects of “me” and radiate this with others. It’s truly a gift to experience. I thank the Avatar tools for helping me create a grounded existence that feels itself as source. Being source while inhabiting a body and using a mind...wow....my old spiritual identity did not believe this could be possible. Perhaps it was too many lives living as a meditating yogi who spent all their time outside of the body....but this concept of living as source while connected to my body feels new to me. It is a true gift.

Before my injury, I visualized being as deeply grounded in the earth as I could be. I would imagine myself to be the energy exchange between the tip of the deepest root of a tree and the soil in which it was supported. I wanted to BE the energy exchange from root tip to soil and as I lay in bed falling asleep, I would pray to be this grounded.


Although this visualization is beautiful, I didn’t have tools to handle what I was really experiencing and feeling. I was feeling completely dis-connected from my body, especially my lower body, and the earth. I felt I was completely “out-there” and knew that if I wanted to stabilize myself, I needed to get “real” somehow. I prayed, I journaled, I did qi gong, yoga, dance, meditation, blogging....I sought out healers to help me heal something I didn’t understand ~ which was that I felt I was missing my own ability to connect with myself.

I am in the healing process now of creating my own root system that no longer exists in my imagination but is within the beauty of my biological being. My body’s healing is a physical expression of the emotions, the beliefs, the fears, and the dreams that I have been wanting to create for a long time....maybe longer that I can truly conceive of with my current mind. The process I am going through consists of exploring my blueprint, digging deep, owning my creations, taking personal responsibility....controlling my attention, increasing my willpower....all with a compassionate heart’s appreciation, a discerning mind, and strong support system. Every step is truly a blessing....

I have attracted high vibes, beautiful healers, amazing stories, incredible role models, and the most amazing tools to help me create my intentions. Now that I am well on my way, I have been able to create the space, time, and energy to spend helping others. With every being I assist in taking control of their own life, I also integrate something in my blueprint...at least this has been my experience. I remember reading about this when I was exploring healers and their work....always they felt that they were receiving with each healing they gave. It’s a win-win. hmm....Maybe.....just maybe we could live in that kind of a world! What would it take? I am willing....I’ll do whatever it takes.



The heart of the matter...


In this moment, we are moving forward...whether we are choosing to be an active part in that process or letting others be the drivers for now...that’s what it feels like. The earth continues to spin, suns rise and set, moons wax and wane, animals hibernate and awaken...as do the plants, trees, and bees. Life grows, recycles, and grows again. It’s beautiful to feel this constant movement of the planet and it’s life and learning how to dance with it is possible. I used to be afraid to “step out” onto the stage we call “life”....but if not Me, then Who? And if not Now, then When?

What matters to you?


I invite you to take a look today. Put your explorers cap on and enjoy what you discover =)

Namaste, Laurie

At the Avatar Wizards Course, February 2014


Avatar® is a registered trademark of Star's Edge, Inc. All rights reserved.

What I didn't say....

You told them I was song in motion.....I never heard you.

You told me there was nothing I could do to make you stop loving me....I didn’t let it in.

You said you’d always be there for me....I didn’t believe you.

You told me you cared....I took it for granted.

You told me I was beautiful....I scoffed.

You told me I was useful and beneficial.....I denied it.

You told me I could be anything I wanted to be....I challenged you.

You told me I was fine the way I am....I wanted more.

You gave me time, patience, love, and care.....I ignored it, I ran away.

You told me everything was simpler than it seemed.... I made it more complex.

You were honest about your feelings.....I lied about mine.

You called and stayed connected.....I rebelled, shut down, and turned off.

You worried about me.....I made your worry wrong.

You stood by me in my most painful hours.....I still forget to thank you every day for that.

You became my everything..... I punished you for giving it all away.

You gave me advice.....I bashed it.

You told me you were proud of my accomplishments.....I was ungrateful.

You gave to me....I tainted your gift with guilt.

You loved....I made it an expectation with conditions.

You acknowledged my power.....I profaned it....

What I didn’t say.....was how much your love means to me.

What I didn’t tell you....was why I was afraid.

What I didn’t let you know....was that I didn’t know the answers.

What I couldn’t let you see....was how much I needed you.

What I had to keep hidden from you....was that I felt completely inadequate in comparison.

What I didn’t want to reveal....was how badly I wanted to be by your side.

What you couldn’t possibly have understood...was why I wanted to leave.

What I truly felt and couldn’t express....was how much I needed your support.

What I kept secret from you.....was that I was terrified to lose you.

I am sorry.

For my reactions, my behaviors, and most of all my lack of reverence for you as a sacred being, I am deeply and truly sorry. I own my mistakes, my projections, my mis- and non-actions. I fell out of alignment with you but most of all, with myself. I’d like to give you my best self from here on....and with a remorseful heart, I thank you for teaching me so many beautiful lessons that have ultimately led me to hold all life as special and unique. You may feel I am full of it...full of “woo-woo”....or even part of a cult....but this comes from my honest and vulnerable heart. I cry tears of gratitude, remorse, and joy. I am finally feeling life. Every day still seems to keep expanding in ways I never thought that it could...and it all comes from within myself.

I’ve learned how to forgive myself, surrender judgement, and that I cannot make anyone change to my standards..nor can anyone else make me. It’s all up to me. Learning personal responsibility has been one of the most challenging and awesome tasks. But I tell you....I’m up for the challenge...I’m up for it because, for all the times I never said I was sorry, I have paid a price. For all the times I didn’t speak up when I was afraid, I have learned a lesson the hard way. For all the times I forgot to be in a present moment of grace that is shared with another, I abandoned and lost a part of this sweet and sacred connection. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to clean up the messes I left behind me in order to create a clear path full of joy and possibility for the beauty rising on the horizon at this time. I want to be the change...I choose this path.

I ask for us to feel exactly how we feel together...whether it is hurt, sorrow, joy, or bliss. I invite you to feel...feel me as you and you as me. I wish to recognize the light in you that is also in me and keep my attention on that bond between us all. All distance, all time, all identities, all thoughts can fall away as we dance to the beat of our hearts and sway in the ebb and flow of our breath. Feeling together even when we are apart, and remembering that magic within us. We can end the search for miracles now...for we have found them at home in our heart’s connection.

May all beings be happy and well, and may we all find peace and enlightenment.

Love, Laurie

 

Artwork by Laurie Kammer, March 2011

Landing

Greetings!

I haven't written in a while, and I apologize for those who have been wondering what happened. In the past year, I have completely re-started my life! I now live in my own apartment in the beautiful state of Florida where I get to enjoy birds and sunshine on a daily basis...plus sooo much more! It's so awesome and has been one of the MOST empowering moves of my life....

The 3 main reasons for moving were
1) Being closer to some amazing teams....The Avatar® Course deliveries, which I have been graced and honored to be a part of and continue to learn so much from... and a refuge for artists living with paralysis, the Rise Up Gallery 
2) Starting to retrain my body at the Project Walk Orlando gym specialized for people living with spinal cord injuries, and I am already making huge moves!
3) The increased sunshine and accessibility...winters in a wheelchair just simply weren't for me...I feel motivated to start driving again in a flatter state....plus I have access to locally grown fruits and vegetables which is optimal for the diet required to re-grow your nerves....YES that's what I'm doing...go vegan if you want to do this...(nothing against happy meat though)

That is the short version. Along with the transition came many difficult decisions, deeply felt emotions, mistakes...or as I like to call them..."learning opportunities"...LOTS of HELP....grace, gratitude, and humility. Through it all, my motto remains. "Just keep going!"

Being in a body that has limitations is a very difficult life indeed. What you can and can't do are much more obvious and flaws aren't as easily hidden. I've had to become more vulnerable than ever...I've had to ask for help...I've had to dig deep for motivation and willingness...and I've had to face fears and emotions that were buried for years. Some days I wonder how I could have been so numb to what was going on...even when I could "FEEL"....I wasn't actually feeling! Even when I could "MOVE"....I wasn't going anywhere in my life. As I have faced all of these challenges and decided to move through and feel them...I continue to grow and evolve. This path was always waiting for me...I woke up to it the second I hit the ground....it accelerated with the intention to keep going...and when Avatar entered my life..it leapt to light speed! I truly feel so graced to have the support I now have at this time. Every step that led me here was bigger than it seemed at the time...and I am sorry for every moment and person I have taken for granted. It's all been a blessing. =)

Now for a story that happened at the gym this week....a really interesting perspective on how my sub-conscious mind has affected and still affects my reality!

So.....my trainer puts me on a machine called the "total gym" which is used for spinal cord injury clients to start retraining their knees to lock and unlock and gain strength in their legs...I think it's pretty much to help create any movement that will help the person to stand on their own again. So I'm laying on the sliding pad, my feet on on the foot plate, and my trainer is sitting above my feet on the foot plate facing towards me to assist if my knees aren't moving.

 On this day I figured out that if I flap my arms around then it was soo much easier! So I'm there flapping my arms and enjoying watching my knees unlocking, locking, unlocking, etc...laughing at the silliness of the movements and explaining that life in a wheelchair is so "still and confined" that it feels very strange to be moving my body and arms so much. I feel grateful that I am in a place where I am encouraged to move in any way I can ~ as long as I MOVE.

Next, my trainer lifts my feet in his hands and slides me up the machine, then slides me back so that my feet land on the foot plate. He explains that they used to do this so that when the feet hit the foot plate, the client would feel the vibration of it as though they were landing on the ground from a jump. Well, the interesting part of this was that when my feet hit the foot plate I felt the vibration and instantly took notice that an internal alarm went off in my mind. I was like, "wow! That's interesting....I really didn't like that."

I instantly remembered that on more than one occasion in my life I stayed hanging above the ground, hovering on a rock, or dangling on the monkey bars being terrified of my feet hitting the ground. I am pretty sure I am not the only one who has experienced the shock and pain from landing on your feet wrong....ouch!! Flash-backs of fear-filled moments flooded my memory mode...times when I stayed paralyzed and afraid of my feet hitting the ground were shown to me in this moment on the total gym. It was such an insight to me of how this fear was running in the background the night I fell. I know this might be weird to say...but to me it kind of makes sense that I didn't land on my feet....I didn't WANT to!!

 

 The other interesting part of this piece of the story is that landing on my feet was something I was consciously trying to overcome in the months leading up to my injury. I used to have the privilege of nannying my niece and nephew. I had been taking my niece to the playground as the spring weather was warming up and as she went down the slide, I would deliberately jump from the top of the play-scape and attempt to bend my knees as much as possible upon landing in the rubbery chips below. Everytime - no matter what I did - the landing was scary and painful...but I continued to practice...apparently I just hadn't acquired the right tools to overcome this repeated experience!

So back to the moment of realization on the total gym. I immediately told my trainer what I was seeing and feeling. How amazing the sub-conscious mind is...I was also shown how powerful our fears can be that are transparently running while we try new things or just go about our day. I am so grateful to have the awareness I have now to catch these moments, to be able to take an observer's viewpoint. Instead of being a victim to the feelings and memories, my trainer helped me to start "landing." He lifted me up again by my feet so that I could hold onto the handle bars above my head. Even though the sliding pad of the total gym was pratically parallel to the ground and not vertical...this gave my mind the simulated impression that I was holding onto monkey bars and dangling my feet above the "ground" (or footplate).

So then it was up to me to decide when I let go. As my feet approached the footplate, my trainer would slow them just enough so that I landed and didn't slam too hard for my body to handle. I laughed every time at how challenging this was for my mind to accept. I was re-structuring my brain with a new pattern....to deliberately land on my feet! This is just the beginning of some of the amazing insights that have been occurring when I get out of my chair and back into moving my body.

I'm dealing with old patterns that are bumping up against the new patterns I am offering my mind and body. Now I believe all of this is possible if you have a strong enough intention and will. I also believe that the increase in awareness to simply take a "widened-back" perspective and notice what is happening in the moment has helped me tremendously. My years of doing yoga, being in tune through dance and music, taking classes in qi gong and energy, and really exploring the many ways in which we can create and experience have all led to the continuous work I now do with the Avatar tools. It just keeps getting better...

I love the life I am living...I can appreciate the pain, the mistakes, the untold secrets, the protected identities, the fears, the traumas....even the anger! I can be found to take myself too seriously...and sometimes I can be found to take those things that people do or don't do too personally. I've pointed fingers, I've played the victim, and I've made excuses or played stupid. Maybe 2 1/2 years after my injury I am still in a wheelchair...maybe I am still experiencing the same exact pains and challenges...but I have learned to appreciate and keep going when I am discouraged, and I can still be of service by deciding to show up for myself and most importantly for others. I am practicing every day to use my will and place my attention on the things that really matter to me. I can still make goals and achieve them and I can still make a big change on the planet while I keep doing everything I can to re-activate, re-generate, and re-birth myself into an integrated and whole person again. I can "be the change I wish to see in the world" as Gandhi says =)

For now, I'm enjoying the flight of an explorer...and I am starting to enjoy the landings too =)

May we find peace and enlightenment in all of our experiences....and may we all rise up a wiser and more compassionate being because of them. I am truly blessed and graced to be able to share this journey with such loving people and I thank you ALL for taking the time to ride the waves with me.

Namaste ~ Love, Laurie

Avatar® is a registered trademark of Star's Edge, Inc. All rights reserved.

Fuschia Flys Free... and fully feels it all

 Tomorrow I fly to Florida. I've been flying about a year now back and forth and yet this flight feels different somehow....I am feeling ready for a very big move to happen in my life. The emotions that have been coming up with this transition have been pretty intense and I have to keep reminding myself to use the tools I have been given, to allow myself to fully feel, and to also recognize where I am resisting feeling.

I was always the one sort of watching my and others' emotions like a person in the bleachers watching a soccer game. It was easy for me to recognize they were there but I was a detached observer rather than an active participant. It might seem like a nice way to live...detached from feeling any of those uncomfortable emotions like anger and hate, but it also kept me from feeling the joy and gratitude and even pride for being me. I didn't realize how numb I was until others started making comments about it. I was completely clueless to my own inability to feel my emotions.

Something that The Avatar Course has given me in the last year of attending courses is a new ability to feel on a deeper level. Once I started feeling instead of thinking about emotions and observing them....I cried....tears of sadness, tears of rage, tears of guilt, tears of gratitude, tears of love, and tears of joy. Isn't it amazing how many different types of tears there are? I never knew! Now I embrace the moments of crying....I'm learning to recognize that it really is ok to feel and I'm excited to learn more about this new ability and how much it can offer to my life.

So with the big move to Florida....and this next Avatar course starting in 2 days...I am going to let myself dive deep into feeling it all and allowing things to integrate rather than be pushed aside or watched like a TV show with a blank stare across my face. Haha....I know I'm in trouble when I am in the "blank stare." It's really great to know I have triggers and signs that tell me when it's time to feel!

For those of you who don't know, my wheelchair is called "Fuschia" and we've been together almost 2 years. This chair gets me where I need to be and where I want to be. It's amazing the adventures we have been on and now we are about to embark on yet another. Who knows what will come, but I am so grateful to have these wheels that help me fly free in this new world I am creating in every moment.

What a rainbow we truly are...full of these different emotions and abilities. With every day I find I am able to awaken to yet an even deeper level of being whole and honest with myself. I find that the hardest thing sometimes is letting myself be exactly as I am...and forgiving myself for the times in my life where I numbed myself to being present with my own feelings and the feelings of others. The only place to start over from is NOW....Here and now. Onward! There are better things ahead.

May we all be free to fly into the unknown territories that have our essence and dreams written into them. AHO ~ Namaste.

Love, Laurie

"World Bird" by Laurie Kammer - Winter 2011

Orchids and Fireworks

I had a dream last spring about being in Florida with a good friend who had recently moved there. At the time of having this dream I was living in New Jersey and the idea of traveling in a wheelchair to FL was pretty far fetched. In the dream I saw really artistic apartments and met new friends. Then while I was in one of the apartments, my friends and I saw a glowing green spider on the wall. It came towards us and though I think we were bitten and we thought we were doomed, nothing ended up happening. Later in the dream, I was able to walk with the assistance of my friend who is also paralyzed in "real life"...yet in the dream we were both up and walking as though we were one person... with our legs connected. Then we were sitting in a courtyard...it was definitely in FL with palm trees and a very nice outdoor setting. I was telling him that all I wanted was "Orchids and Fireworks"....I was saying it in a very passionate voice with a lot of feeling...

Now, a year and a half later I am about to move to Florida...the land of orchids and close by the Orlando where many fireworks are going off. I am connecting with artists and musicians...but more significantly, I have been able to step into this move through the empowerment of doing The Avatar Course...and what's really funny about that...is that at every course, there are beautiful orchid plants everywhere set up as displays and the main song to celebrate each person who becomes an Avatar is Katy Perry's "Fireworks" song. I am tickled by how many of my dreams have created my reality in this way.

So yes, it is finally a big time for this transition...for more orchids and more fireworks....more empowerment...and to feel what it feels like to live on my own for the first time in my whole life. You can imagine that the last few weeks have successfully shown the full spectrum of human emotions and of every doubt possible but thanks to many friends, family, and fellow Avatar Masters, I have been able to continue moving forward rather than backing out like I have done on many occasions previously. In a way, I see this move as a part of my medicine for being paralyzed. How many times have I stopped myself from moving forward before? I was paralyzing myself before becoming paralyzed....I know...it's an interesting viewpoint but it's really how I feel. This movement forward towards a life I have been afraid of stepping into is shaping a new me...this is an unknown territory that I was completely procrastinating my self from experiencing....my life was already on hold...it was already paralyzed.

Here I go folks....onward towards a new adventure and now I'm doing it with even more challenges in my way. I'm ready, finally. I am feeling, finally. I am deciding, finally! Thank you to everyone for supporting me because without the help from everyone I would have continued fearing the unknown and believing that in order to move forward, I had to do it all alone. That has been far from true in my experience...and boy am I humbled to ask for help now when I need it..and lots of it at times.

For the next 29 days, I'll be blogging about the journey and transition forward under a new blog title "Orchids and Fireworks." Stay tuned for some stories, insights, and updates. I am grateful to share and excited to hear from anyone who feels like sharing in return.

I am graced and blessed tonight and always, much love,
Laurie

July 23 ~ New Me Day ~

Today marks a new day in my life. Yesterday I was contemplating why we feel it necessary to celebrate or commemorate certain days in our lives....and I am really feeling it right now. What an honor to create a special day in giving my body back to it's natural state. I no longer have a bunch of foreign objects along my spine! Wow. Just wow. I feel as though I am creating a new body. It's a deliberate re-birth, re-generation, and re-claiming of my self.

So what's next? I have a few things I am in the midst of creating....and I'll keep you posted as I move along. It's so amazing to see how much has happened in the short time of 2 years and I really would not have been able to do it without the help of my family in NJ, CT, many old and new friends, and all the unseen spirit around me. I've never experienced so much love in my life and I continue to learn about how to let it all in....to really feel that it is ok to recieve!

SO much love and light to you all! May we all continue to rise up through the challenges we face and Believe that we can have the realities that we prefer! THANK YOU!

LOVE, PEACE, COMPASSION, and GRATITUDE

Love, Laurie

"Anything Is Possible" ~ a look back...

I turned on the radio and heard the song "Anything Is Possible" by Jen Hannah....it was serendipitous.

...and as I listened to her message, I began reflecting on how far I have come since that Thursday night on June the 9th, 2011.... when I lay on the earth below a tree, instantly paralyzed from my waist down.

I remember it so vividly, the thoughts and emotions and mostly the intensity of both my love of life and my fear of the painful, unknown future.

As I move forward on this journey, I choose to continue growing and learning from this new path. I believe in myself like never before... I feel so driven to live a healthy, vibrant, and balanced life. I want to find harmony in all relationships and most importantly, I want to surrender to each moment's gift.

I hope whomever is reading this blog can learn to embrace themselves as I am now learning...but without having to endure such a traumatic experience. I see how pain and fear can lead us to our awakening...but my wish for you is that however life leads you...it cradles you gently.

I hope that this short video will connect with your heart- as it has been that kind of journey....

With love and gratitude,

Laurie Elizabeth