Thursday, April 14, 2011

Subject to Change

I've been feeling this undercurrent of unease for about 2 months in regards to my plans for the upcoming year. I'm in my third and last online psychology pre-req. class for an art therapy program at a grad school across the country of which I'm halfway through the application....and yet I've been unmotivated to complete it. When I found the school last year, I had so many reasons why it was perfect for me. ~I will be with like minded people... the location and program is special and geared towards spirituality and evolving consciousness... I will finally separate myself from everything I knew or was comfortable with...forcing me to be "grow up" and be independent. I yearned for a place where I could find out who I truly am, have access to great healers, amazing nature, and continue to build on top of my sculpture and visual arts bachelors degree....create create create. I thought I had found it...but while I'm still feeling grad school...I'm not feeling the same impulse to be across the country. I'm also not feeling that visual arts therapy is the ONLY program....instead, that I'm too multi-faceted to settle for one modality. WOw, my ego was fighting this for a while... saying things like "this is the school you chose, now you have to go" "you already visited, they love you, you are practically in" ~ blah blah

Here's what I'm feeling now..... I've spent a considerable amount of time getting to know my self, and well, that journey never ever ends! I'm already surrounded by healers, and now most of them are my friends. I've created the boundaries I was trying to create without having to move far away. I am living with like minded people and they happen to be my family and my best friends~While I'm sure they are delighted that I would like to stay with them, they are also the MOST supportive of making sure I am doing whatever is right for me, even if it means moving to another country. As for amazing's everywhere....and I REAAlllly want to travel, so why not save my money and go on some of the trips I've been dreaming of?

Yes I am an artist, I create with whatever is around me...but when it comes to healing, I'm not sure art is the only way to go. I pull spontaneously from so many...whether its music, tap dance, yoga, hula hoops, or puppets....I feel like having access to all the possibilities is more my style. Yes there is an expressive arts therapy program that I may apply to, but ultimately, I'm not sure a specialized program is the right way to go. ~ I can say that I feel so much better knowing that all things are always subject to change, that options come and go, and everything happens in divine right time. I'm glad to know there was a reason I was feeling unease...and to finally accept it and move forward feels so good. I'm not even concerned with how long it will take to actually get a degree, as long as I'm following my gut instead of my ego.

So the new plan? My new choice? Stick around, and apply for a part time masters program in mental health counseling at some kick ass schools. I've finally moved on from feeling too stupid to get into one of those big time schools like NYU. I know that as I go through the process of therapy myself, I will naturally figure out how I am going to do this work.....THEN I can go get specialized in the areas I want. ~ I'm pretty surprised overall at how I'm taking this...but it feels right and I'm confident that the right place, right people, and the right school will all show up at exactly the right time (as long as I apply myself!)

My dreams have been telling me for a while....I better start trusting myself more =) And as my dance teacher used to say when choreographing a routine....."This is Subject to Change." Yaaa.....everything is....and that's a beautiful thing. ~ Sat Nam

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