Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Day 15 ~ My journey to fear
Today I had a conversation which questioned if gratitude can be found in the things in life that are not so positive. Sometimes my boat gets rocked by a really great question. I am beginning to understand how true expression in relationships comes with all the stuff that I previously spoke of as the subconscious mind; the behaviors that others notice about me and yet I never catch on my own. This is the gift of a true relationship! Someone who cares and who will stand by you no matter what you look like, say, or do. I need a mirror every now and then. Someone who is devoted to supporting my growth asked me some wonderful questions today.
I have a very hard time with this. I confess...I really care about what others think about me. I confess....I am terrified of being judged as unkind, stupid, unsuccessful, ugly, as boring or a total drag....I mean...who wants to be labeled with any of that crap? Ohhh the journey of life...
I have always been a girl who can create quickly...I've always been on the move...thinking I knew where I was headed...thinking I had all the answers...thinking I was never going to fall. Little did I know, with all that running around, that I was running away from people I loved and I was running away from myself. I know I would still be running if I hadn't fallen. I have always thought that life would just suddenly get better...my needs would always be met and somehow~someway~my happily ever after would come.
No one in their right mind asks for a traumatic injury like becoming a paraplegic...just like no parent wishes for their child to be born with a disability. We would be crazy to go around asking God for a miserable, painful, and just plain difficult life. But somehow, underneath all the makeup, the cute outfits, the fun parties, and wonderful silverware and leather couches....I feel most people want...and yearn for more.
I am asking God for a journey, not for answers. I have been asking day and night for years to the people around me and to the universe for healing, for purpose, for love, for fulfillment and whatever enlightenment was to come and find me. It is all inside me now...unfolding as it is meant to...and I believe this journey has always been unfolding. Now I feel it is screaming at me..."WAKE UP!"
I have never experienced the kind of pain and suffering I am now experiencing through this spinal cord injury. I honestly thought that I was going to be one of those people who never fell, never messed up. I was going to be the girl who saved the world one day. I was going to be that girl everyone loved.
The truth? ..that girl is afraid...and I am still that girl
Instead of writing 5 things I am grateful for because they have made me a better person and made me stronger, etc...I am going to write 5 FEARS I am grateful for. I can't honestly say that these fears have changed my life...I don't know when or how I will get over these fears. I know that everyday I still see that girl inside me...she's curled up and crying with a stone wall to protect her. She's been living in my heart for a long time...I recently discovered her whimpers. Why am I grateful for her? I am grateful for her because she is a part of me, and this is her honesty.
From the girl inside the stone wall...
1) I fear of pain....behind this wall I can assure that no one will hurt me
2) I fear expressing my anger... I give up speaking my truth...because I don't want to hurt others.
3) I fear imperfection...if I am not perfect I will not succeed
4) I fear judgement....what if others judge me and decide they don't like who I am?
5) I fear falling....if I fall, I fail...and no one likes people who fail
It's hard to read these feelings...and I had to dig to find them. If you're reading my blog, you've witnessed part of my journey, my good times, my struggles, my prayers. This is a place where I share, and behind my sharing, I definitely still have fear. Being honest is still scary...sometimes I need those people in my life that give me a good smack in the butt to push me through or get me to tell the truth.
So today's blog was dedicated to that fear....and I am most grateful for the people in my life who love me enough to call out "bullshit." Those who love me enough to tell me why they disagree. In my Laurie fantasy world I never fail, I never fall, and everyone loves each other. I can't tell you how hard it is to be in my shoes right now...how it feels to sit in a wheelchair with nerve pain all over...afraid of all my imperfections, un-gracefulness, all those flaws that have come to my awareness. To stand for only an hour a day and not know where my feet are below me without looking for them. Because only I can experience my life. Only I can find the answers. I'm glad that I asked though....because I am grateful for the journey.
Today my journey showed me my fears. In both physical therapy and occupational therapy I admitted to my fear of falling and failure...it didn't come from this injury. It was there before and the action required now is to pick it up, own it, and keep going. I dove forward today off the mat table and onto the floor mat...terrified of falling...terrified of hurting myself...terrified of not looking perfect and graceful. I own it. It's there, it's always been there and now I am learning that it is simply a part of my journey.
Maybe it's being grateful for hardship simply because it is what it is...because it is real and it is my experience right now. I will always be good at using my imagination. I am a creative genius and turning things into positive experiences is not something I have to try to do. But learning to give a clear and honest picture of the whole person I am is something I am trying now, and it's hard!
I trust that I can learn to fear dishonesty instead of fearing honesty.
With love and gratitude for all of you who are on this journey with me, Namaste.