Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Day 21 ~ release, reclaim, discover

"Jungle Soul" by Laurie Kammer November 2011

21 days of Gratitude. Well, no joke, no lies, that was for SURE a commitment that both challenged and opened my beliefs, my choices, my intentions, my behaviors, my relationships and much more than I could possibly express in words. What a ride. I've enjoyed the process of recounting my days and sharing those moments here. Blogging is a funny thing..for me it is a practice in sharing and trusting and letting go of whether what I say is the right or wrong or good or bad. I admit it is a beautiful thing to feel I have connected or inspired or related in some way to another human. I feel strongly that it's really about trusting my self...because someone, somewhere is listening and actually needs to hear the words I am sharing.

so. here's my 5 for today.

1) I am grateful for self discovery. I am in my eleventh week of "The Artists Way"...I have had about 4 months of Art Therapy at home....and I am STILL feeling the ongoing resistance to seeing my own reflections. Discovering who you are means finding out things you often pass off as other peoples shit...or "they do that, not me?!"....or "I'm this way because of this person or that situation.....how can I possibly change that if I can't change them? If I can't change what happened?" ARghhh the strenuous work of self discovery....literally~ back-breaking work. But self discovery is an ongoing path...and I am now allowing myself to see the creative side to things. Today, my art therapist talked with me about seeing an opportunity to create rather than seeing in terms of good or bad. It's a difficult thing to shift from black or white thinking when that's the program you've been running for most of your life. Time for a new upload...download...upgrade....whatever ya want to call it. My self discovery is becoming a self blossoming...and ever unfolding journey for which I am grateful.

2) I am grateful for release. In my process today I went back to some very tough days when I was younger. I was able to release my grip on the baggage it carried by creating an art piece which showed me the gifts and the hurts. Once I was able to get a clear understanding of my past and how it is affecting my present...my therapist asked me to go over it in any way I wanted to release it. With release comes a feeling of weightlessness...and with that letting go I am transformed into movement. There are many ways to release...releasing the scar tissue in my back when my brother does his myofascial bodywork...releasing the tears and grief in my body when I am held by my sister...releasing a good belly laugh when my dad swears...(it cracks me up)...what's the use of holding on? Release and free myself...I can do this for me.

3) I am grateful for reclaiming. I have been focusing on those things (people, situations, etc) in which I need to release for a long time. I am now in the process of self discovery as I said above...really though when are we not discovering new things about ourselves?....anyway ~ As I connect with the power I have lost or given away, I am able to set a new intention to reclaim or begin fresh with what I wish to have, be, or do instead. Reclaiming makes my life more empowered and self driven. I admit that there are women I wish I could be rather than the woman I am. I admit that I have put myself last just to make other friends or family or boyfriends feel better about themselves. I admit to giving away my power on purpose because being powerless gave me access to attention that I wanted. Reclaiming is a scary process when it means now owning your power. Reclaiming is my gift to myself.

4) I am grateful for the gift of one single seed. Most of my artwork has revolved around growth...often looking like trees and flowers and plant life. I am amazed at how such huge beautiful beings can be created from one tiny little seed that is given water, sun, and dirt. My next venture is to begin planting my own seeds and turning it into a therapy for myself. I desire to feel the grass under my feet again...the sand between my toes...the waves washing up against my legs. Seeds are little miracles. We all began as a seed....in fact something I learned this morning is that the same cells that created our skin, also create our brains. The skin is our contact with the world and what we do to it sends information to our brains. This is why essential oils have such an affect on our bodies through the topical use, the smell, and even the ingestion of some. To me seeds are this mixture of complexity and simpleness...they make me feel connected to nature.

5) I am grateful for the unknown. Like I have said before...I just love "knowing"...I love planning something so that I KNOW what to expect. Life has given me a situation FULL of unknowns. I couldn't possibly tell you what I am going to be doing tomorrow....I can only guess. If I can continue to remind myself that even when I have a good idea of what is next to come...my experience can always change. Maybe I know I am going to have the same ginger tea tomorrow morning...I can expect it to taste the same way it did today....but perhaps I'll take the time to smell it before each sip ~ or press the warm cup into my heart ~ or spill it alllll over the place! Life brings us exactly what we bring to life. The unknown awakens me to be more conscious or else fall victim to my reactions...to my control dramas. So...here's to stepping boldly into my self. Who knows what is waiting for me...I'm ready to roll.

Here's tonights vegan vegetable quiche (alright i did put a little vegan and non-vegan cheese on at the end) made by Me! I actually had fun, and it tasted good too.

This night's blog was a hard one....I could feel the pressure to deliver some special speech or some awesome insight....but at the end of the day I am really more concerned about getting myself out of my chair and into my bed. And being honest! I have so loved being back on the bloggggg....but I'm taking a break! 21 days to create a new habit... What is next? who KNOWs... we'll see.

Keep on Risin Up every day. Stay Tuned ~ I'll be back.

Lots of love ~ Namaste

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