Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Struggles, Cravings, and Premature Grievances

Today I had a rough day. I woke up after the strangest most vivid dream that weirded me out all morning....that ever happen to you? Yea...I bet it has.

Anyways. In occupational therapy today I transferred onto a mat on the floor and tried to bump myself up the stairs there. I can do this at my home..but in the therapy gym, it was so difficult. Then I couldn't get myself back into my chair from the floor (like I can at home). I was soooo exhausted and found that when I got in the car I just wanted to sleep or cry....both ended up happening.

It's been a while since I felt like I needed to hop back into my bed immediately after therapy. I noticed how much time I spend on "doing this and that" rather than respecting the calls of my body. After resting a bit and eating lunch in bed (thanks dad!), I found myself craving a mocha espresso....arrgg I wanted it so bad. Well, instead I started writing and drank Kombucha. Then I realized oh. I'm finally cycling again. After months and months of my body being out of whack hormonally, I hadn't experienced what some call PMS! Lol....being the "doll" I "am"...I spent many years telling others that I simply didn't get like that...No way No sir No mam...not me! "I don't get bitchy or cramps or tired." Well...laurie the times have changed. I now confess that maybe I just wasn't noticing my own behaviors....maybe it's that whole sub-conscious mind thing that I blogged about during my gratitudes...we simply don't recognize those sub conscious behaviors and patterns. We need mirrors.

So then I began journaling....I realized today that I am one of those people-and perhaps you can relate to this-who likes to create little outings and dates and experiences for my future. I choose the friends and family who I want to experience something with and then I imagine that we are my mind we're there at the pool or the park or doing partner yoga together. So yea..I am really good at this and also really good at holding on to this imagined future reality with the hopes that it will manifest. But then life comes knocking on my door with the real OH that day won't work or that person won't be here... I realized that in my attachment to the future I am setting myself up for consistent and imminent loss. I begin grieving the experiences that have never manifested...that are a figment of my own imagination. How can I grieve something that doesn't even exist yet? I do this a lot. It sucks. ouch. Can you relate? I can't be alone in this...ughhh and doesn't it suck to be let down by your own expectations?

One of my roommates at Kessler came with both liver cancer and paralysis from her hips down which resulted from loss of blood to the spinal cord during a surgery for her cancer. (That surgery was actually the same day as my birthday...which I found interesting cuz I'm like that). She was and is an amazingly strong woman. A mother of three and just so alive and spirited and determined. She was thrilled to be my roommate because I was young unlike most of the other women...and she could tell I was an artist.

During our many weeks sharing the room, we laughed and helped each other learn to cry. We stayed up late drinking Cacao, dipping crackers and telling stories we would never tell our mothers....drawing late into the night in our beds with the curtains drawn, giggling because we couldn't wait to share them with one another in the morning. We grew to find more love in our lives and to be grateful for our meeting...for our stories that seemed so laughable now that our lives were full of hospitals, catheters, suppositories, nurses, aids, pills, more pills, therapy, wheelchairs, loud beeps, shots, yelling, and icky food. We read prayers and enjoyed the days when we could roll outside onto the patio for some fresh air. We even dreamt about one day visiting her beautiful country of Columbia where we would wear high heels and ride donkeys up the mountain to a village where beautiful purses were made.

She filled me with determination to move. There I was in sporty chair...barely able to bend over...unable to dress myself...transfer into my bed alone, catheter myself....let's face it..I was pretty needy at the time. I often stayed in bed for long periods of time. But then came Gloria. She had a giant chair with big foot rests, clunky handles, and big wheels. She charged around with power and did everything herself...she sponge bathed every morning and made herself look beautiful every day. She took me in like her best friend, like her daughter....she waxed my legs, painted my toes and fingers, and dressed me in her expensive designer clothes. She showed me that I had all of that too...I could still be sexy and be in a wheelchair. She wished for me to have a be romanced...and giggled with me about boys. We had FUN in spite of our depressing situation. I started to try things that the nurses didn't want me to do on my own yet...and I DID. I DID start dressing myself...transferring into my bed alone. And by the time she was ready to go home..I was even showering in a shower chair instead of a stretcher. She was a model for me. I changed myself because she showed me strength. She didn't make me change....she simply showed me what was possible.

The point of this story is that recently, my beautiful roommate Gloria from Columbia has been told that her cancer is spreading to her lungs and body...that there is nothing more she can do. Told 2 years ago that she had 6 months to live...she has been a true fighter through it all. Her strength is unimaginable. When she told me that she felt her body weakening and how much she loved me after only knowing me a short time, I lost myself. I lost all of my dreams and I lost her before actually losing her. I grieved before the loss because so many of my hopes and dreams were destroyed in that moment. I thought about this today...It makes me feel so torn...dazed...and confused.

So what I am getting out of this?....that dreaming and imagination are there for me to play use as tools to be and do and heal and transform.... But not for becoming attached to. Finding peace and happiness because I am attached to a belief that they are real or will become real is not true happiness. Like making a decision to walk and feeling like it's in my future...only to wake up every morning with the same nerve pain and paralysis. Being attached to what you want to happen creates an immediate let're setting yourself up to lose. At least that's what I'm feeling right now today.

It's kind of like the controlling thing I was talking about....trying to change someone. In my mind I can create a beautiful picture of someone's potential...I can see this person being so much more than I see them being in reality~ so I start to love them because of my imagined perspective....not because of who they really are. Sure my perspective of their potential may be possible but if they are not living that expectation then how am I truly appreciating who they are? Yes. I'm admitting to this! It's prevented me from being authentic in relationships with family, friends, boyfriends....I want to make everyone their best self and yea that's "great" and all but it's not possible. We can't control other people. I can't get exactly what I want all the time ~ that's just not how life works. I must detach, let go, release!

So this is a big shift for me. Yes~ I love lifting others up to higher realities and to higher possibilities...Rise Up is a way of life for me right now....but it's MY life...not anyone else's. I can only control one thing....and that is my actions. I am only going to lift others as I continue to lift myself. OH How much this hurts my "gotta help gotta give" self....the one who finds compassion for everyone by lifting them to their highest in my mind rather than accepting what's being offered. hmm....


Ok well last point is that I am recognizing the need to "know" pattern that I have always had. When did I step out of the creative energy of life? When did I step away from the pure joy of following sychronicity and signs? I am a channel for pure creative energy and I am able to allow myself to be guided as I become more conscious of these blocks and fears and obstacles that often bring me face to face with myself. It's time to get out of my own way. I've learned many things from Eastern philosophies in the past...about suffering and detachment...but sometimes the gifts are received from your own struggle. For that struggle I am grateful...back to the mountain....back to the essence to meditate.....

I miss nature....I really reallllllly do. I just want to walk in the grass...I actually want to be buried in the earth with my face sticking out haha...I want so badly to be back in the woods stumble upon the beauty of a random feather or acorn or snake skin or bear scratching mark on a tree trunk...I want to sit by water and write songs and cry to the trees and hug them as I used see the tail of a get down real close to a little hold a flower and admire every little detail. It's been a long season for winter has been happening since June when, at first, just 3 weeks inside seemed like my months have turned to eons of waiting and longing and missing.

I am grateful for the many gifts I am receiving. This journey is full of if I can only detach from thinking I can "know" them all.

I let it be so ~ and so it is

Namaste and many many prayers for everyone to be free from fear ~ to have mental and physical happiness...and ease of well being.


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